yOur Love prOfile Your positive traits: Your lively, outgoing attitude attracts people to you everywhere you go. You can talk your way into - and out of - any situation you desire. You're adaptable enough to flirt with anyone - and people tend to fight over you. Your negative traits: You get easily bored in relationships, and tend to jump from person to person. You tend to be a bit of a player - and have a high tolerance for drama in relationships. Not the most emphathetic person, you tend to tell lovers to "get over" their problems. Your ideal partner: Is intelligent and quick witted enough to keep you interested. Is a bit of a shape shifter, providing you with the variety you crave. An open minded person, who's willling to have a non-traditional relationship. Your dating style: Exciting. If your date shows you a new experience (like Egyptian food or scuba diving), you're very happy. Your seduction style: Experimental: it's rare that you try the same thing twice. Ultra kinky - you do stuff that's not even in books yet. Hot and cold... sometimes you're just not into the whole sex thing. Tips for the future: Settle down a little. Sometimes good things come with time - so don't let people go so fast. Acknowledge that you're a player and flirt. If your mate can't live with this, find someone who can. Give your partner a little more attention. You don't have to be a social butterfly all the time. Best color to attract mate: Sunny yellow Best day for a date: Wednesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

*grins* i'm really bored to be completing the not so accurate and dumb quizzes. well, at least they're keeping me entertained in the midst of a boring lab. everyone else in the lab except me seems to be busy and i wonder why.

it's hard to deny that age is catching up on me. played inter-house netball on friday and realised that i don't have stamina nor agility anymore. *sobs* how am i gonna run marathon? seriously, i'm contemplating to give up the idea already. should i or should i not? it's my dream to complete the full marathon. *shrug* will i have a dream come true? it was a happy evening though. 1stly, no quarrels over the game. that's a record ya. 2ndly... shall keep it a secret. *bleah* left right after the game to meet up with the mambo chummies. of course i did showered 1st before heading down to bishan, ziwei's place. what else can we be up to? it has to be mahjong! played with ziwei, huiqing and mitchelle at the beginning, while danny and zhikai kept themselves entertained. when ken arrived after work, another table was set up with ken, mitchelle and zhikai playing "san jiao" and danny joined the original table. played 3 rounds and guess what? i finally won ziwei at mahjong! *grins* he claims to have been distracted by his infected eyes and could only see half of the tiles. a win is a win. no issue about it. *bleah* left the place at 7 plus and everyone (minus ziwei who had to rest his eyes for an important date later in the day) went to a nearby coffeshop for breakfast. after which was home.

gracie picked me up for lunch at 3 plus on saturday afternoon. settled for sushi tei at serangoon gardens. in order to fully utilise her card and voucher, we stuffed ourselves with food hoping to achieve a total bill of $45. to our dismay, we were $5 short. *pouts* nevertheless, lunch was good. so were the small talks and exchange of gossips. did i say i was full? *laughs* went chomp chomp to get dessert as the heat was really killing me. good excuse eh. supposed to play mahjong with adrian in the evening but was cancelled yet again. decided that it was a homely day till my phone rang at 10. gonna meet up with allan, mitchelle and ziwei at double o. reached the place slightly past 12. said 'hi' to sebastian and left at around 2. guess i wasn't in the mood to club. ziwei didn't turn up. *grins* muz have been too upset after his not-up-to-expectation date. thanks to ken who drove down to fetch me and mitchelle for supper at east coast's macdonalds! my favourite yummy twister fries! that's not complete though. picked up a few bars of chocolate at 7-eleven. found a new product of cadbury. if i remember correctly, it's called 'boost'. quite nice. think that's gonna be my new craze.

suffered from monday blues. got up at 8 for my lab at 830. it's amazing that i actually managed to wakey. a pretty relaxed lab with internet access. spent the whole 2 hours checking mail, sending mail and surfing. *smiles* reached back hall at 10 plus and fell asleep. wanted to juz take a short nap. shocked to realise that it was already 530 when i got up. took a quick shower and headed for dinner in town with gracie and shirleen. sushi tei at millennia this time. was a short dinner date which we updated on each others' lives. happy to see them, made me felt better in a way. why wasn't i feeling good in the 1st place? *shrug* came back to hall and rotted till now. supposed to be doing revision, but i juz couldn't concentrate. can't believe that i hafta put up with 2 nonsensical guys at this hour. chatting on msn with ziwei and ken. they're practically changing every possible word to start with the letter 'J'. help!

still have not reach a decision on what to do. *sigh* i'm so indecisive! on one hand, i'm really afraid of the consequences. getting hurt and all. more importantly, i found out that he's already got someone in mind. on the other hand, i'm not the kind who will give up easily on such stuff. what am i to do?

feeling totally stupid and embarrassed. why? guess i shan't elaborate further to make myself look sillier. if you know the reason. good for you. if not, juz too bad. can try giving me a ring to know the details, but no guarantees i would tell you. to date, the only persons who know are probably daniel and jze wee plus the person himself. in the case of any other person(s) who gets to know about this, the 2 of you will hafta take the blame. *bleah* anyway, thanks daniel for driving from yishun down to NTU. know it's been a long journey but the 'reward' you've gotten in return is more than enough to cover for your effort and petrol. please stop laughing at me. it's not that funny. *pouts* thanks jze wee for the analysis. i'll take into consideration. guys are sometimes more complex and more difficult to understand than girls. *sigh* was kinda confused earlier. now it seems like i've gotten myself into a bigger confusion. what should i do? seriously, i don't wish free myself from a trap and walk straight into another.

Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have strong opinions and make decisions, you never make them without thinking first of not only everything that is, but those that may not be as well. People trust that you'll willingly hear them out and understand when they tell you something, and you are well-liked for it. You are often the mediator in disputes and your desire to do what is right overcomes all else. You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

why am i blogging at this hour? *grins* juz finish a round of mahjong with ziwei, danny, huiqing, ken and mitchelle. ziwei and ken shared one, danny and mitchelle shared the other. were mass chatting on msn when we decided to meet for supper followed by mahjong. been quite a while since i played coz adrian's gone missing. wonder why. back to the session with the mambo clique. the most sought after tile of the night was "hong zhong". it seems like no one was fated to "pong" the tile for the whole night. as soon as ziwei sat down, i knew things aren't gonna be good for me. 1stly, i'm he's "xia jia". *groans* 2ndly, he's one person who has never lost money when we played at the same table (at least not to me!). guess my intuition was pretty accurate. he "zi mo" 5 folds the very 1st round but that wasn't the highlight. the best one was the last round when he decided to give up his "cou ping" and "dan diao hong zhong"! and guess what?!? i was waiting for that same tile too! hence my happiness did not last when huiqing hit the tile out. juz couldn't believe he will do such a thing. on 2nd thoughts, should have guessed that this guy is always up to no good. *bleah* nevertheless, had a great time.

since i'm at the topic of mahjong, i shall share my list of top 3 most undesirable "shang jia".

1. who else but JEFFERY HOO! he's one guy that i believe i'm not fated to take his tiles. guess it's juz me. others (excluding adrian) don't really have this problem with him. sometimes i wish he would be nicer to me though i've mastered the skill of being independent. however, hafta be really careful when he starts throwing nice tiles for me.
   
2. RYAN XIE. someone that i admire in terms of mahjong skill. he's truly amazing plus his luck is good. he seems to be able to read people's mind and see through their tiles. hafta be pretty alert when playing with him. it gets kinda tiring to be defending all the time.
   
3. TAY JZE WEE. he has to be on the list. guess it's not so much of being my "shang jia", but more of his style of playing. it's really hard to decipher what he's thinking. one caution: NEVER believe his words, especially him. he's one cunning guy.

mahjong mahjong mahjong. when am i gonna play again? hands itching le. in the meantime, i better go catch up on my sleep for tonight's mambo! 4 more to go before zouk closes for renovation. good night!

19August2005 - Grand Plaza Park Royal
my 4th Dinner & Dance in Hall 13, a memorable and successful event in my opinion. cheerios to the committee. *smiles* for your information, i'm not officially in the committee, juz lending a hand. been busy the past week helping out with the pageant rehearsals. hafta commend that you (who else? pageant finalists!) look really great on stage and perfomed well. this is probably one of the D&Ds in NTU that i really enjoyed despite having to run around to coordinate the programme. it was a night of cute guys and pretty girls (of course that includes me! *laughs*) took pictures, not many though. i'm happy with what i have. posted part of my collection, a few of my favourites. some of the graduates turned up for the dinner, while some others dropped by. happy to see the ever so familiar faces even if it's only for a short while. wanted to take picture with quanrong but he disappeared as fast as he appeared. *pouts* you owe me one wor!

for the sake of those who actually bothered to read my msn nick and asked, this section is specially written for you. i've decided that it's been a really long time. guess i need to move on with life, really move on. been pondering over this issue for quite a while. no point in rushing into things but taking it slow doesn't seem to get anywhere. since there's a chance, why not treasure it and give it a shot? it's a big step and i'm afraid too. hope this is not gonna be another mistake or regret. will it? *shrug* wish me luck ya. if you're still not getting it after reading the above, all i can say is wait for my next update. *winks*

been really busy for the past few days and i wonder why. gonna be kept busy till the end of the week at the very least i suppose.

decided to miss my lab on friday and slept all the way till 1 in the afternoon. *grins* haven't been sleeping enough and well so i guess it's a deserved rest. showered and asked susan if she wanted to accompany me to the medical centre and then to lunch (that's probably the main motive). was happily discussing about prata with the doctor (he shan't be named) as the cause of my 'diarrhoea' was probably due to previous night's supper. he asked if i missed anything in the morning and gave me an MC at no cost for my lab! *winks* headed to canteen B to get some snacks before we went to popular to check out susan's maths text. she decided that it's too heavy to be carried around and we walked out to the nearby neighbourhood for lunch. our 1st stop was the coffee shop opposite city harvest. teh ice for susan and sprite ice for me. no kosong and hence we moved on to our next stop --- pioneer mall! had 2 servings of dessert as usual as i couldn't decide what i prefer. it's a hot day anyway (what an excuse!). did grocery shopping at the not so giant Giant. gonna have supper in hall tonight. *smiles* took a cab back and went to help out with the pageant rehearsal. the event company people were pretty fun and coach luke's pretty cute too. that's besides the point. the pageant boys and girls seem uncomfortable with everything. guess it's the 1st time they're doing it. rehearsal ended at 11 and we (jeffery, susan and i) started our supper session at yummy kitchen. had instant mee goreng, campbell's cream of mushroom with roasted garlic, toasted bread and cheese omelette. it was a satisfying meal.

travelled back home late saturday morning and spent the rest of the day dozing off in front of the tv. made my way to meet susan and joo at newton for the CS production in the evening. pretty interesting though the last story was kinda too chim for me. during the intermission, the 3 of us visited the nearest 7-eleven which was a bus stop away to get some food to fill our stomach. result of not having dinner. tsk tsk! that's not the end though. went newton circus for supper after the play. *grins* ordered 2 plates of carrot cake (1 black and the other white), 1 oyster omelette (which i can't eat), 1 sting ray (which isn't in my menu either) and 1 sugar cane juice with lemon for each of us. felt really bloated after the sumptous meal. shared a cab with joo and she dropped me at double o before heading home. double o was alright. daniel, ziwei, allan, mitchelle, huiqing, rasheed, jena and jebastian! the poor boy was drunk and got caught by us when he was puking outside double o. how unfortunate! bowen was drunk too and the rest of the night was spent laughing at his sillyness. hafta admit that i'm pretty judgemental. it's hard to change my opinion on certain issues and i guess it's gonna stay this way. hanged out at the nearby 7-eleven for some drinks before we went our separate ways. thanks ziwei for driving me back. realised that we both know quite a bit of the 'stories'. but i believe they prefer to confide in you more. *smiles*

skipped production rehearsal on sunday. i'm sorry people but i juz simply couldn't bear to leave the bed. it was a quiet day at home. mum and dad have been busy with the religious group activities for the past few sundays. hardly get to see them over the weekend. guess it's partly my fault coz i always stay out late on saturdays. can't believe that i did what i did (details are intentionally left out). feel kinda guilty for making mummy travel all the way back home for me. wonder why i'm always feeling so homesick whenever i'm in hall nowadays. *sigh* decided to be late for pageant rehearsal to spend more time at home with mum. reached back hall at 9 and stayed with the pageant people till 12. the contestants seem to be doing much better than on friday. glad that everything's going smoothly. hope this friday's Dinner & Dance would be a success!

monday was horrible. horribly hot too! went to the school's printing shop to get the balloting paper done. since it was going to take half an hour, i decided to look for kevin (my tutor). he called me up for a so-called interview in week 2. it's week 4 now and i haven't gone to see him yet. walked all the way to his office at the end of the finger only to find that he was already engaged in a conversation with another student. was told to be back at 230. my watch read 2pm and so i headed to the library. time passed real fast (or did walking around the campus waste a bit too much of my time? *shrug*) and i left the library at 225 to collect my stuff after which i made my way back to kevin's office. met my JC crush (till now i still can't remember his name) at the corridor and realised that he had an appointment with kevin at 230 with regards to his FYP. the visitor in kevin's office was still around. i suppose it wasn't a good day to have the meeting and headed back to hall. 5th JCRC rally was on for the night. certain nominees changed my impression of them for the better, some proved to be what i expected of them and others juz couldn't be worse. kinda disappointed. the verdict's gonna be out soon. wish them luck. save some of it for me though. gonna be a long night.

(if the words below turn out gibberish, please switch to unicode)

*天空*

听着自己的心跳 没有规则的跳跃
我安静的在思考 并不想被谁打扰
失去了你的拥抱 寂寞再一旁嘲笑
他笑我无处可逃 我变的好渺小

时间分割成对角 停止你对我的好
瓦解我们的依靠

在你离开之后的天空 不曾在有晴朗的梦
雨后的天空 是否在有放晴后的笑容
我静静的望着天空 试着寻找遗留的彩虹
哭过的面容 期待着久违出现的笑容

why isn't there summer rain last night? *sobs* been looking forward to wednesday since god knows when. life's been busy and mambo is the only highlight. school juz started and tutorials plus labs are piling up already. kinda glad that i'm not running for JCRC anymore as i get to have more time for myself. but on the other hand, i'm a little disappointed at how things are going. *shrug* crossing my fingers and praying for the better. back to last night. music wasn't good (coz don't have my favourite SUMMER RAIN!) and it was pretty crowded. poor ken was down shortly after 12 midnight. don't blame me. i juz treated you what we agreed on.*grins* was a pretty dull night, nothing special, interesting or exciting. guess the only happy thing was seeing HIM. probably one of the reasons that draws me to zouk every wednesday. the guys and i stayed till the very end, hoping for summer rain to be spinned only to be disappointed. went off to shell where we chatted, joked and laughed till it was time to go home. ziwei suggested a whole lot of names starting with "J" for sebastian. names like jony blair, bill jlinton. it was really funny. but i still think he should stick to jebastian. *laughs* poor jo had his car keys taken away and he had a hard time finding it. serves me right for laughing at his misfortune coz poor me had my handphone "stolen" twice! always targeting my handphone and i wonder why. maybe the problem lies in me. *sulks* it was sebastian's "last" mambo. wonder when we will get to meet at zouk again. hope we don't hafta wait too long. so gonna miss you! muz remember to miss me too ya?

so much for wanting to rest early. it's all worth it though. to sacrifice my precious sleeping time for a great show like this. haven seen such action in hall for a long time. ever since the old ones moved out i guess. still remember how i was stuffed into the big blue rubbish bin (can be easily found along the corridors of our hall), pushed under the shower and came out drenched. that's juz one of the many crazy pranks that we used to play on each other. tonight, birthday boy, weihuang was thrown into the pond twice. we seldom have a male senior being victimised by the freshies. *laughs* perhaps they got the hang of everything and decided to play catching in hall. all the commotion caught my attention and i decided to join the rest of the girls at the corridor to see what they are up to. wonder why but one of the freshies, shaun was targettted next. they threw his boots out of the 2nd level that he was staying onto the small field at the center of the block. resorted to pouring water into his room and he finally decided to surrender. the poor boy was stripped. yes! stripped right in front of the female seniors at level 7. *grins* thought they would call it a night. enough of entertainment for me. but that's not the end. they decided to look for weihuang, who had went into his room and locked the door by then. they threatened to pour dynamo into his shoes and flood his room. the unlucky senior had no choice but to come out and receive the treatment. didn't get to see where they poured the full cup of dynamo but i guess it went into his shorts. *evil laughter* it's good to see that 64 is coming back to life again, reminds me of the good old times.

strange things have been happening in hall since i moved in but i chose not to brood over them most of the time. encountered yet another incident on friday night. was trying to get mitchelle on my handphone but the line was engaged. bad reception, i was thinking to myself. i re-dialled her number and got the same response. peeped at the screen of my dear nokia 7270 and it showed that the line was still connecting. held the phone to my ear and i could still hear "tu-tu-tu". hung up immediately and tried to make the call again. wanted to get susan, who was beside me all these while, to confirm my hearing. this time the line got through. it's unbelievable. what a way to start the 7th month. *shivers* deemed it to be a case of lousy network anyway. wonder how i managed to convince myself to carry on walking all the way to hall 8 on my own, especially after what happened. well, guess it was the power of mahjong. *laughs* spent the night in danny's room playing mahjong with him, mitchelle and zhikai. haven't been back there since i moved out 3 years ago. flashes of memories came back to me throughout the night, the happy ones of course. sometimes i juz wonder how life would be if i had continued staying there. *shrug* played 2 rounds of mahjong till 7 in the morning. came back to hall, took a shower and headed home. realised how much i missed home, that includes mummy and daddy. so happy to be home after a long week in hall. home sweet home. tried to get mahjong kakis for the night but failed. ended up going double o with the guys. been a long time since i clubbed there. probably 3 weeks or more. felt kinda out of place initially but the feeling did not stay. many familiar people were there. didn't really enjoy myself though. maybe i was too tired. maybe the music wasn't good. maybe the uninteresting crowd bored me. i have no idea. left the place pretty early to have supper at newton. daniel was probably the one who started it. we started to take candid shots of each other. at one point of time, all of us were juz holding our handphones waiting to snap a picture of someone else looking silly. we were simply crazy but i have to admit that i had a good time laughing. headed home at 4 plus and slept till 1230 when i was woken up by a call. *shucks* my day was made better upon seeing quanrong's sms during lunch. *smiles* it's been some time since i got a message from him. glad i wasn't forgotten. slipped in and out of dreamland while watching tv in the afternoon. been a tiring week. had dinner with my parents at home. home-cooked food is always the best. *yum yum* caught the 7pm show on channel 8 before heading back hall. it's gonna be another dreadful week. lab at 830 tomorrow morning. gonna turn in soon. don't wanna miss the 1st lab. good night!

great night with great music at zouk. *smiles* many thanks to sebastian who dropped me back in hall. thanks to allan for picking me up too. feeling really tired now but juz wanna blog. my legs are aching from the non-stop dancing from 11 till 3 plus. not exactly non-stop but almost. *grins* only got to say hi and bye to jerry. that was how good the music was. kinda packed tonight but the crowd was not bad (minus the few irritating ones). wonder why but everyone in the clique seem to not be in their usual self or to put it simply ---> crazy. the podium was crowded. was running around the small area for the earlier part of the night to get a spot where i wouldn't be squeezed. found a nice place to settle myself in for the rest of the night eventually (not gonna tell you where *laughs*). HE was one of the reason that made my night. HE always does i guess. it's hard but i'm slowly forcing myself out of this dream that HE'll one day come back to me. reality hurts. HIM aside. the guys were really crazy. did all sorts of funny things. but still i enjoyed their company. great entertainment provided by sebastian. *winks* been a long time since everyone is present. well, maybe i was the one who has been isolating myself. wonder what will happen after next week. looking forward to the next mambo already. it's weird but kinda started talking to someone. felt guilty after last week's sms i guess. wonder if it's juz me or the feeling's mutual. there was this awkwardness. uhm.. juz take things as they come. anyway, thanks guys for the happy night. it wouldn't have been so enjoyable without your presence.

i called and HE actually answered! *smiles* what a pleasant surprise! for the past hour or so, i was on the phone with HIM ---> 58 minutes and 14 seconds to be exact. feeling a little better but not much. muz give HIM the credit, otherwise HE's not gonna be my uncle agony the next time round. *laughs* guess i'm juz happy to hear HIS voice and to be able to have a proper conversation with HIM once again. maybe HE's right about me being too stressed up by everything that's on going. the semester juz started but i need a break. what exactly is bothering me? family? school? HIM? or izzit everything? when HE asked what's wrong, i couldn't say. not that i don't want to but i dunno how and where to start. glad i found some comfort after the talk though i'm still at a loss. thanks for spending the time on me! i'm probably gonna have the sweetest dreams in a long while tonight.

my heart's been bugged since the girls talk on thursday night. was trying to help a poor girl out of a situation that seems so familiar. sharing my experience was kinda painful. memories are all that i've left. wonder why it still hurts everytime i think of the past. dear dear's probably the one that i could rely upon for the rest of my life, he'll probably make the best person to walk through the rest of my life with. he may not seem to have what it takes to others but to me, he's juz what i'm looking for. it took me a year to come to realisation that it's impossible for us to be together coz things are juz not gonna work out. i'm happy to have him as a good friend and it's good enough for me to know that he'll always be there for me. in case you're wondering, he wasn't the main cause of my troubles over the weekend till now. it was HIM. the small incident on friday night sparked it off. to be honest, it was nothing serious, kinda trivial rather, but i juz can't seem to put it down. was playing mahjong at adrian's place when JJ told me the news. he'd spotted HIM with the girlfriend at JP earlier in the evening when we dropped by to get some snacks. what a coincidence. i never had such luck though and i wonder if it's a good or bad thing that it wasn't me who bumped into them. maybe we're juz not fated. *shrug* since that night, i juz feel terrible. HE's all that i can think of and i can't seem to concentrate on other stuff. it's really time i move on. it seems like i have but have i? if i have, why am i so affected by little things about HIM? if i haven't, why am i still holding on? i really have no idea. confused little cat is really confused! it's kinda obvious that things are over between us. what am i waiting in vain for? i'd been through this. it was difficult then and it's not any easier now. i have the sudden urge to juz pick up the phone and give HIM a ring. HE'll probably not pick up the call anyway. should i? or should i not?

*groans* my legs are aching from clubbing. wonder if my heels are the main culprits. music was not bad but summer rain came early and i had nothing to look forward to for the rest of the night. i'm juz simply hard to please. the crowd was made up of mostly NTU people as expected and that's probably one of the factors that contributed to my boredom. maybe i'm juz thinking too much and letting my thoughts run wild. or is it the time of the year when i get too much stuff on hand that i become a little emotionally unstable. *shrug* sometimes i wouldn't blame certain people for finding me a nuisance coz my words and actions irritate myself at times. i'm letting my heart rule over my head once again and making things difficult for everyone. i wish i can control my feelings better and be more rational. but can i? *sigh* the night seemed short. was out of zouk at 4 and headed to shell. wasn't paying attention to what was going on. though i was physically there, my mind had drifted off elsewhere. was messaging HIM but stopped when i realised it's not getting anywhere. i'm really at a loss. what should i do? or rather what can i do? *sigh* highlight of the night was teasing sebastian. shall limit the details to those who were present before he starts hating me. hope you wouldn't take it to heart. we were juz kidding. or are we? *grins* hanged out till 6 plus and reached back hall at 7. surprised to receive someone's sms while on the cab. makes me wonder if i was being over petty. *wonders* feeling real tired now and i can't believe i hafta go all the way to joo chiat for my rehearsal later. the weather's freaking hot and i juz don't feel like moving. don't seem to have a choice though. good luck to me!

*All out of love*

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone

Thinking of you till it hurts

I know you hurt too but what else can we do

Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile and my heart

For times when my life feels so low

It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring

When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

I know you were right believing for so long

I 'm all out of love, what am I without you

I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home

Away from this long lonely nights

I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too

Does the feeling seem oh so right

And what would you say if I called on you now

And said that I can't hold on

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day

Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

FOC :: Freshmen Orientation Camp

finally over. or is it? it's the 5th FOC i've been through, 4th as a senior. years passed since i was a freshie. though memories are not fresh in my mind anymore, but they're still there, well-kept by me. if i can ever turn back time, i promise i'll be a better freshie. have to admit that i was one of the problem kids. refusing to get out of bed in the morning, finding all sorts of excuses to skip stupid games, running off in the middle of the programme to go clubbing. yes, that was me years ago. can't really blame freshies when they disappear for no reason coz i really can understand how they feel. *grins* realised i was quite a bit to handle back then. a very big thank you to all my GLs and seniors, FOC will never be the same without you. oh yes.. thanks for giving me the chance to be in the pageant. guess it was the highlight of year one. been quite an experience. really wish i have another chance to start all over again, to revive all that was lost. have been a programmer for every hall FOC since my senior year. to be part of the planning was fun. though it gets really tiring at times, the satisfaction derived at the end of it all is enough to make up for all the sleepless nights. this is the 1st FOC that i get to slack, really slack. felt outta place and juz couldn't fit in anywhere. felt i was an extra. maybe i'm juz getting old. *sigh* it was through this FOC that i saw through certain things. be it good or bad, i'm glad to have kinda come to terms with everything.

Hall

it's the time of the year again. new people are gonna take over from the old ones. stepping down and going into the retiring mode is what i'm going through. *shrug* though i wasn't in Hall 13 from day one, i've developed feelings for everyone and everything here. it's kinda sad to not be involved anymore, but i'm glad new blood is injected. at least there'll be continuation. 64 is getting really dead and boring. miss the old times when the pioneer batch was still around. this is the worst semester ever. feel detached coz most of the familiar faces are gone. feel intruded coz there're so many unknown figures and long queue for the toilet. never felt worse. not when the pioneer batch graduated, not when susan went for attachment last semester. wonder if i'll ever get used to the change. many things are different now. say i'm traditional or i'm juz a stick in the mud, but i prefer the past.

School

start of a new semester and i'm not looking forward to it at all. was it the mindset that was wrong? overslept and missed the 1st lecture, skipped the 2nd one to go for lunch with susan at canteen A. *sigh* the pressure's killing me. the past four years in NTU have been really torturous in terms of studies. blamed it on the wrong course and lousy system but at the end of the day, i only have myself to blame. wrong priorities and all kinds of distractions. have i grown dumber or is it the lack of discipline? i wonder... trust me, it's a dread. doesn't feel good to see all my peers convocating and i'm still stuck in here. tried talking to my parents on a few occassions about withdrawing but they're insistent on me completing the course and getting the cert. but can i? i have no idea. as the 6 years limit draws nearer, i'm juz getting more and more worried. juz so afraid of facing my parents. the sense of guilt and shame is devouring me. life still hafta go on. need full concentration on my books this semester. it's my one and only chance.

Relationship

been almost a year since HE broke up with me. it's pretty obvious that i'm still not over HIM. though we were not together for long, what i have for HIM went back a long way (even before we got to know each other). i treasure all the sweet memories of the short relationship coz they're all i have that we shared. little things about HIM can drive me crazy. i know it's silly of me to behave this way but i juz can't help it. HE was the major factor in helping me to let go of a past relationship which took a year. that's probably one of the reasons why HE's so special. things can never be the same again. can it be? till now, i'm still wondering if HE was serious about me, about the relationship. things that happened and the reasons HE gave, were they true? put all my trust in HIM at the beginning but things somehow went the wrong way. was afraid of history repeating and hence all the questions start setting in. if given a chance, i will do everything to make up for whatever's lost. it's easy for me to have a crush on someone, to like someone. but it's not easy for me to fall in love with a person and when i do, it's even more difficult to make me fall out of love.

it's been a wonderful night, juz like a dream come true. something that i've been secretly wishing for has finally happened. HE invited me for a dance! wonder if it was the effect of the alcohol and would he have done the same if he was more sober. *shrug* guess it doesn't really matter to me now as long as i had the chance. no words can describe my happiness, and i'm not exaggerating. but i'm a little confused by my own feelings. felt kinda upset coz i know this is not gonna last. it's juz a one time thingy. how i wish time would stop at that moment and the song would never end. being a little dramatic but that's how i felt. i know it's silly of me. did try to put the past behind me but guess it's not gonna be that easy. in any case, wanna thank him for lighting up my otherwise dull night. =)

catherine's a happy girl! *smiles* was woken up by weixing and gang in the late morning of tuesday. the phone call kind of cheered me up a little from the previous day's gloominess. wanted to get me to play mahjong but i was stuck in hall. ended up being teased by them as usual but at least it brought the long gone smile back to my face. was supposed to help out with the JCRC preparation for FOC but decided to give it a miss and go gai-gai with susan. *grins* the heavy rain ruined our original plan to visit ikea to get new stuff for my room. headed down to city hall instead. did a bit of shopping from citi-link to suntec and guess what?!? my charles and keith heels finally gave up on me! *laughs* the strap snapped and i bought a pair of slippers from OP which happens to be my only buy of the day. we went on to explore the newly opened marina square. nice place with lots of cafes and restaurants though it was a little empty. we were attracted to the ambience and settings of sakae at 1st sight. it's probably the best meal i ever had at sakae. the quality of the food is better and with the great atmosphere, i enjoyed my dinner much better. wanted to take pictures but we didn't have the best seats. guess i'll save that for our next trip which is planned to be in the near future. *winks* wednesday afternoon was spent snuggling in bed. haven't had a good rest since monday when i came back to hall. met up with gracie, shirleen and hazel to celebrate gracie's birthday. had dinner at miao yi vegetarian restaurant in coronation plaza and headed to 'island creamery' at serene centre for dessert. the mudpie was fantastic and their reversO icecream was yummy! the girls were amazed by my orders which i shan't reveal. *bleah* i'll definitely frequent the place in future. thanks to gracie and marvin for dropping me off at zouk later in the evening. wonder if it was the effect of the icecream that made me kinda high. *smiles* the music was not too bad but i was kinda tired to dance through the night. broke yet another record - drank half a jug of long island! but it only further confirmed my hatred for the drink. received a few persons' smses: limay, carol and janice lao gong. thanks for your concern. i'm feeling better le. no worries. got up at 1pm on thursday and headed to finish the last bit of preparation at Seminar Room. can't believe we actually spent the whole day and night (to be exact 12 hours) to set up everything, excluding the time spent for the past few days. the place looks really pretty and so does my newly decorated notice boards. *grins* shall go take pictures tomorrow and post them up. be patient and wait ya. now, i'm chatting over msn with susan though she's only 3 doors away. guess what's our conversation about? of coz it has to be food! *laughs* the crazy girl is coming up with a wishlist for food. i'm so gonna put on weight as we have plans to go lots of places to satisfy all our cravings. as a matter of fact, i've already gained 1kg! *sigh* in any case, i'm still looking forward to our eating spree. *drools*

PISSED! that's what i'm feeling right now. for the past few days, i've been trying to get over everything that has happened. juz wanna put everything behind me. well, if that's the case, why on earth did i bother to read his blog? serves me right! in any case, this is specially dedicated to mr tay.

1. i'm sorry to have not seen or appreciated your efforts to prevent things from happening. but it seems to me that you'd juz stood there and did nothing that fateful night.

2. why the hell in the 1st place would those persons who have judged you be interested to find out the story if you have deemed them to be 'important'? they have their own lifes to much care about yours mind you! (that's from me)

3. it's really up to you what you wanna do. no one can ask you to do what you don't want to. i suppose you believe that you have done what you could have done in your context.

4. roger the point that she's not your girlfriend. but look at my post, i used the word 'supposed'. if you can't control her life, what makes you think you can control mine? didn't wanna drag more people into the picture but it seems like i have no choice but to say this now. your close buddy ken had told me that you messaged him to get me go for a drink in order to avoid any ugly situations. both him and sebastian did try and i'm sorry for not listening. i have my point to prove. if she has her right to be there, don't i have my right to be where i want to be too? what makes you think you have a say in asking me to leave? see how contradicting and biased you are?

5. i understand that it's in no one's control to say who's to be in a club or not. seriously, i don't remember saying i don't wanna see her there again. it's not up to me to decide who's to enter or not. i'll take the line back if i'd made such a childish statement.

6. we're juz out to have fun and enjoy ourselves at clubs. but sometimes, such things happen and when it does who can we blame? no one. coz no one wants the night to be spoiled. i'm not saying that she can't be there on the dancefloor. i don't own the club much less the dancefloor. all i asked for from you was to stop her from doing what she was doing.

7. 'fear of the consequences you will face from her if you interfered' was quoted from ken. verify with him all you want. frankly, i don't care whose side you'll be on if a fight starts. reason? coz i wouldn't wanna get into a sprawl with her in the very 1st place. too ugly a thing to do. do get the facts right but correct me if i'm wrong. you know very well who was looking for whose trouble that night. i did NOTHING! nothing at all. i did not lay a finger on her nor hurl any abuse at her. the only people whom i shouted at was those who tried to pull me away. you know me, i juz wanna have my fun and HATE to be disturbed. let me make it clear now: i'm not one who will START a fight but no guarantees if i'm challenged AGAIN.

8. who doesn't make mistakes? i admit i was rude to roll my eyes away, and if it makes you happier in any way, i apologise. friends who had been with me long enough will know. i'm not the kind who puts on a false front. though i deny it at times, my expression is a true reflection of my emotions. why should i bother to be nice to someone whom i don't have a good impression of? i see no point in befriending someone when i know nothing good will come out of it.

9. it doesn't make much difference to continue dancing or stand there and do nothing except sending messages to others to get me to leave. i never did say it's your fault. right from the start, i never did not point fingers at anyone. if caring for myself deems me to be a selfish girl, i'll take the name.

10. i know the basic courtesy. thanks for reminding though. i juz find it hypocritical to smile at someone i dislike. detest is too strong a word to be used. what's the point of forcing a smile on the surface when i'm cursing at the bottom of my heart? it was in my intention to exaggerate the point about her trying to befriend me if you hadn't read the sarcasm between my lines.

at the end of it all, who are you and ken to decide what's going to happen? assurances? let me assure you one thing. even if she ever initiates a fight, i wouldn't return any blows much less start one with her. this i promise. for those friends who tried to stand up for me in one way or another, i believe it was all out of concern and i thank all of them for that. you are in no position to judge them, please don't. it wasn't in my agenda to get innocent parties involved and i'm sorry for all the problems i've directly or indirectly created. last of all, who really knows the full situation? has any of them, joanne, allan or even sebastian talked to me over this issue? i believe not. till last wednesday, i've always thought the conflict was only between the two of us. what i've discussed with a few of my friends was never directed at her. after the incident, i've not spoken to any of those that you have mentioned. what do they know then? your side of the situation or rather her side of the story.

i'm sick and tired of this. much as i want to not let it affect my life, it has. i'm trying very hard to get out of all these nonsense. i'm juz a simple girl who wants to lead a simple life. have fun and be happy. is it that difficult? even the 8 rounds of mahjong in 18 hours on friday can't make up for what i'm feeling right now.

never imagined there could be a worse mambo compared to last wednesday but it happened. my night was totally wrecked by a crazy girl. guess i was wrong to think that everything with him had been solved and settled. let's refer to him as mr tay (getting kinda messed up with the multiple him(s)). there's a saying that goes "don't go looking for trouble and trouble won't come looking for you". totally disagree with this statement. didn't do anything that could have sparked off the incident last night and it juz happened. shall leave out the details on what exactly went on on the podium. interested parties can look me up. warning: be prepared for my never ending ranting. i believe i had done my part as a friend of mr tay. learnt that his girl did not have a good impression of me (no worries, the feeling is mutual). for that reason, i steered clear of their paths. even went to the extent of not hanging out with my regular group of friends whenever the couple's around. juz wanted to stay out of trouble and don't wanna make things difficult for anyone. things were getting on pretty fine to me and i wonder what got into her head last night. why is she making herself angry over the fact that i'm ignoring her and claims that i was giving her 'the looks' since we both don't have a good impression of each other? seriously, i have not figure out why is she so interested in befriending me. look, i wouldn't want to make friends with people that i don't have a liking for. so what is it about me that's so appealing to her? why does she need the attention from me? *shrug* i have no idea. one reason could be, i WAS mr tay's friend and therefore she wanted to make peace. good effort but hey! if that's the case, show me the basic respect a friend should have for one another. i've given face by not returning any of her actions and words. didn't want to create a scene in zouk either. took a step back and she took two steps forward, stepping all over me. don't take advantage of my kindness and push me off my limit. if there's gonna be a next time, i swear i won't give in anymore. for mr tay, if you had treated me as a friend, you wouldn't have allowed your supposed girlfriend do such a thing to your friend. would you? please take your mrs tay in hand. that's all i ask for. heard you did not interfere for fear of the consequences you would face from her. and for that, i lost all the trust and faith i had in this so called friendship we had. all that you have said doesn't match your actions. and if i hafta put up with such nonsense by being your friend, sad to say i would rather give this privilege up. it's too much for me to handle. last night had been embarrassing and i don't wish for a repetition. but what's done can't be undone and i won't be able to forget what happened. no apologies would help the situation. there's no point in saying sorry after slapping a person real hard. i have slight knowledge of what you are going through from the guys and i'm really puzzled. but i respect your choice. sorry for not being understanding and for coming to such a decision. i know i'm being unfair but what's fairness? i'm not getting my fair share either. what upset me further was when friends around asked me to leave when it happened. know it was out of concern and for good of everybody. but why do i hafta be the one to leave? *sigh* she was the one who came to provoke me when i did nothing at all. juz felt unjustified to why i hafta be the one to go. in any case, thanks to all those who were there to help, especially daniel, jayce and sebastian. i apologise for being rude but was really pissed at that point in time and words juz came out of my mouth without going through the brain. *shrug* i'm contradicting myself on the apologising part but that's the least i can offer.

well, i treasure all my friends out there. no matter how we've met and what we had gone through before. i can't do without any one of you. i'm not one who gives up on my friends unless it's absolute necessary. different groups of friends had accompanied me through different stages of my life, from yangzheng to cedar to AJ and finally NTU. i'm thankful for your presence. you added colours to my life. kinda inspired after reading daniel's blog and decided to mention a few names. *smiles* not gonna give any award though coz it's gonna be a tough decision.

(not in order of merit)

Gracie: someone who will always be there for me. no matter where i am or what hour it is, she'll always be there when i need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear. what we've gone through together for the past ten years have made our friendship stronger. saw me through my most down periods and shared my happiest moments.

Shirleen: a girl who never fails to offer me comfort and who is a great listener. though we seldom get to meet, we still remain as close as ever. since day one in cedar, we've been through lots of ups and downs and made our friendship to be what it is today. will never forget our pineapple tarts making and brownies baking days.

Janice: my dearest lao gong who's been a great team-mate and soul-mate. went through lots of hard training and tough competition from cedar to AJ. shared tears and joy. training camps will never be the same without her. i'll always be her dear princess.

Quanrong: my ex-boyfriend who treats me better now than when we were together. always offering good advices and can trust him on giving frank answers. buys me my favourite donuts in times of need. in case of emergency, he's always the first help line on the list.

Susan: best friend in hall. guess the only common interest we have is food. does the craziest things when we're together. can be trusted upon to take care of me when i'm drunk.

for those who are not mentioned above, don't feel sad. *grins* you're all dear to me, especially my team-mate cum classmate for four years (bibiana), my boi (peiling), my regular mahjong kakis (adrian, jeffery, jj) and my clubbing friends (allan, daniel, jayce, sebastian etc).

events that brightened up the past week:
- dad bought twelve durians home on friday and we had a durian feast! *yum yum*
- played mahjong on monday, tuesday and wednesday coz adrian's back! (gonna have another session this coming friday. *grins*)
- today's the 2nd anniversary of getting my driving licence! 7th JULY! *yay*

my blink blink has yet to be found. *pouts* i've not gone back to hall since last friday. there weren't any other reasons for me to make a trip back except to find my ring. don't want to do so as the disappointment would have been greater if i can't find it. now, i'm juz hoping that i will recover my precious blink blink the next time i'm back in hall. *sigh* the last few days has been quite monotonous. no mahjong on friday makes catherine a dull girl. *laughs* adrian has flown to america for holiday. jeffery and jj seem to be busy with their business project. susan has to rest at home after the accident on wednesday. guess the next mahjong session with them is probably gonna be when adrian returns. went double o on saturday and met the usual group of people. both the music and the crowd was normal though many of the favourites were spinned. was a pretty peaceful night. probably too peaceful that things hafta turn out a little bad nearing the end. received a message from him (my clubbing buddy) after i got home. *shrug* till now, i've yet to figure out what exactly is he trying to imply. nevertheless, i appreciate the effort that he's put in to mend the broken friendship and i suppose this episode has come to an end(finally). glad that we're still friends but i'll leave it to fate to decide whether or not we can be as good as before. wednesday is here again. hoping for tonight's mambo to be as good as (if not better than) last week. apparently, there's a jcrc 'bonding session' at zouk after our formal meeting in town. *laughs* it's one of the oldest trick to get people to club. wonder if it'll work. *winks* by the way, it wasn't my idea.

my blink blink went missing! it's so upsetting! had it for less than a month and it's a birthday pressie from my parents. *sobs* swept every corner of the floor and searched every inch of the table. still no sign of it. my room isn't exactly very big and my ring isn't that small to be missed. there's no reason to why i can't find it. this is juz very very weird. maybe it'll appear if i stop looking for it? this was what i thought of last night. but it still hasn't reappear till now. wanted to juz go home and forget about it. but i'm sore about losing the ring like that. it's so unbelievable. really wish to find it. it's too precious to me. *sigh* i want my blink blink back!