juz wanna be myself. be the ger i was a long time ago. i've changed since. wonder what made me the person i am today. environment, social circle or izzit juz me? it's really scary. sometimes i can't even recognise myself. though i wasn't even close to perfection, i was happy. that's the very basic thing in life that i hope to achieve. but i wasn't the least bit happy. the issue with my parents has more or less been resolved. both mum and dad had come to terms with my decision. on my side, i'm gonna be kept busy with work at nokia for the next month. i have a permanent job pending to start in january. guess life's gonna take a different approach from now on. as for him, i'd gotten what i wanna hear from him last night and i'd straighten out my thoughts. things are gonna remain the same, if they could. besides clubbing, there're gonna be other occassions when it comes to work where we're gonna meet. gonna be hard if the friendship is strained. gonna take things as they come. i'm tired. really tired. mentally strained. not gonna drown myself in misery anymore. had dinner with susan last thursday after her last paper. really glad that exams are finally over for the NTU people. at least we wouldn't have that much problems finding mahjong kakis. *grins* had our 1st mahjong session at adrian's place after 3 whole months of "leave". adrian, jeffery, susan and me. played all the way till 5 plus in the morning. had our usual fun and laughter during the game. realised how much i miss playing mahjong with them. met up with janice, peiling and her boi on friday. dinner at sakae followed by dessert at maestro bistro. they've got lovely chocolate fondue which inspired us to create our very own. *laughs* had a great time taking pictures and catching up. gonna try as much as possible to revert my life back to what it used to be. 2005 had been a pretty bad year. at least for me. sometimes i really wish i had never met him. but certainly, knowing him had been quite an experience. thanks for all that you've done. really appreciate it. life at NTU took a turn for the worse and i finally made the choice. relations at home had been strained. glad that things are more back on track now. guess it's time for me to settle down.

these few weeks have been really bad. i'm probably juz lousy at managing my own life. sorry to all those around me who are affected, especially someone whom you know who you are. never thought it would affect u as much as it did. never thought i could be such a hindrance to your life. it's time i put a full stop to all these nonsense. i guess i'm pretty self-centred. at times, i juz think for myself and never tried to put myself in others' position. maybe it's really hard to accomodate me. sorry to have caused so much inconvenience and trouble. but i really can't help it. why izzit so hard to forget someone, to put someone down. or izzit true that i juz yearn for something that i can't have? maybe the fact that i've not been able to get what i want makes me more determined to get it? he asked, what's so good about him? i have no idea. maybe it's not about him. it's juz me. or maybe it's juz him. juz so him to help a friend in need and juz so him to be there for a friend as much as he could. sometimes, i believe that i've brought all these unhappiness upon myself. life would juz have been much more peaceful if things had remain as they were after the incident. it's easy to forgive but i can never forget. the anger, the hatred, the me that has completely given up. i wonder why and how did i land myself in such a situation once again. why didn't i juz keep things as they were? life would probably be much much better now if i had kept to what i said. hafta listen more to my head than my heart from now on.

The Aftermath

bad news travel fast. not long after my previous post, i actually received a number of calls and smses. few of those caught me by surprise. nevertheless, thanks for all your concern and advice. really appreciate them. guess i'm a little selfish in a way, but i need the break, otherwise, i'm gonna be the one who breaks. i understand my parents are gonna be so heartbroken to hear this and i'm not only letting them down, myself too. i would have chosen a different path if i could. if i have the confidence, courage and ablility to carry on, i would. sad to say, i don't. till now, i've not thought of a good way, or rather, the best way to break the news to them. i juz wish there is some way of lessening the pain and hurt i'm gonna cause. trust me, i did not rush into making this decision. i've gone through lots of consideration before reaching such a conclusion. it's all too late if you try to convince me to change my mind now. juz praying hard and keeping my fingers crossed that things can go on as planned. the past 10 months of this year has been kinda lousy for me, hope the next 2 months wouldn't get any worse.

Painful Decision

time i do something about this issue. been dragging for too long and it becomes pointless. it's not the 1st time i reach this juncture, the only difference is that i'm determined to carry out my decision this time. i know this is gonna hurt my parents. much as i feel the deep sense of guilt, i know i can't run away from this problem anymore. i've wasted more than enough time and money. this can't go on. the road ahead isn't gonna be easy, but i'll make the best out of the situation. gonna take a break and at the same time, decide and plan for my future. been complaining that i feel detached from hall. but now that i really gotta leave this place, i can't bear to part with my 2nd home. coming back here brings back lots of memories. the silly and crazy things we do. trust me, life's so not gonna be the same if i hadn't stayed in hall. hate to say goodbye in this manner, but i don't really have much of a choice. realised that i have alot of things in here and i have no idea where to start packing from. guess it's my way of delaying the moving out process. pretty excited but at the same time, worried about what's gonna happen to me. i've never taken a path out of the norm since young. never had to worry about studies. but it's a total different story now. i will survive. i hope.