*groans* my legs are aching from clubbing. wonder if my heels are the main culprits. music was not bad but summer rain came early and i had nothing to look forward to for the rest of the night. i'm juz simply hard to please. the crowd was made up of mostly NTU people as expected and that's probably one of the factors that contributed to my boredom. maybe i'm juz thinking too much and letting my thoughts run wild. or is it the time of the year when i get too much stuff on hand that i become a little emotionally unstable. *shrug* sometimes i wouldn't blame certain people for finding me a nuisance coz my words and actions irritate myself at times. i'm letting my heart rule over my head once again and making things difficult for everyone. i wish i can control my feelings better and be more rational. but can i? *sigh* the night seemed short. was out of zouk at 4 and headed to shell. wasn't paying attention to what was going on. though i was physically there, my mind had drifted off elsewhere. was messaging HIM but stopped when i realised it's not getting anywhere. i'm really at a loss. what should i do? or rather what can i do? *sigh* highlight of the night was teasing sebastian. shall limit the details to those who were present before he starts hating me. hope you wouldn't take it to heart. we were juz kidding. or are we? *grins* hanged out till 6 plus and reached back hall at 7. surprised to receive someone's sms while on the cab. makes me wonder if i was being over petty. *wonders* feeling real tired now and i can't believe i hafta go all the way to joo chiat for my rehearsal later. the weather's freaking hot and i juz don't feel like moving. don't seem to have a choice though. good luck to me!

*All out of love*

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone

Thinking of you till it hurts

I know you hurt too but what else can we do

Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile and my heart

For times when my life feels so low

It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring

When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you

I know you were right believing for so long

I 'm all out of love, what am I without you

I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home

Away from this long lonely nights

I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too

Does the feeling seem oh so right

And what would you say if I called on you now

And said that I can't hold on

There's no easy way, it gets harder each day

Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

FOC :: Freshmen Orientation Camp

finally over. or is it? it's the 5th FOC i've been through, 4th as a senior. years passed since i was a freshie. though memories are not fresh in my mind anymore, but they're still there, well-kept by me. if i can ever turn back time, i promise i'll be a better freshie. have to admit that i was one of the problem kids. refusing to get out of bed in the morning, finding all sorts of excuses to skip stupid games, running off in the middle of the programme to go clubbing. yes, that was me years ago. can't really blame freshies when they disappear for no reason coz i really can understand how they feel. *grins* realised i was quite a bit to handle back then. a very big thank you to all my GLs and seniors, FOC will never be the same without you. oh yes.. thanks for giving me the chance to be in the pageant. guess it was the highlight of year one. been quite an experience. really wish i have another chance to start all over again, to revive all that was lost. have been a programmer for every hall FOC since my senior year. to be part of the planning was fun. though it gets really tiring at times, the satisfaction derived at the end of it all is enough to make up for all the sleepless nights. this is the 1st FOC that i get to slack, really slack. felt outta place and juz couldn't fit in anywhere. felt i was an extra. maybe i'm juz getting old. *sigh* it was through this FOC that i saw through certain things. be it good or bad, i'm glad to have kinda come to terms with everything.

Hall

it's the time of the year again. new people are gonna take over from the old ones. stepping down and going into the retiring mode is what i'm going through. *shrug* though i wasn't in Hall 13 from day one, i've developed feelings for everyone and everything here. it's kinda sad to not be involved anymore, but i'm glad new blood is injected. at least there'll be continuation. 64 is getting really dead and boring. miss the old times when the pioneer batch was still around. this is the worst semester ever. feel detached coz most of the familiar faces are gone. feel intruded coz there're so many unknown figures and long queue for the toilet. never felt worse. not when the pioneer batch graduated, not when susan went for attachment last semester. wonder if i'll ever get used to the change. many things are different now. say i'm traditional or i'm juz a stick in the mud, but i prefer the past.

School

start of a new semester and i'm not looking forward to it at all. was it the mindset that was wrong? overslept and missed the 1st lecture, skipped the 2nd one to go for lunch with susan at canteen A. *sigh* the pressure's killing me. the past four years in NTU have been really torturous in terms of studies. blamed it on the wrong course and lousy system but at the end of the day, i only have myself to blame. wrong priorities and all kinds of distractions. have i grown dumber or is it the lack of discipline? i wonder... trust me, it's a dread. doesn't feel good to see all my peers convocating and i'm still stuck in here. tried talking to my parents on a few occassions about withdrawing but they're insistent on me completing the course and getting the cert. but can i? i have no idea. as the 6 years limit draws nearer, i'm juz getting more and more worried. juz so afraid of facing my parents. the sense of guilt and shame is devouring me. life still hafta go on. need full concentration on my books this semester. it's my one and only chance.

Relationship

been almost a year since HE broke up with me. it's pretty obvious that i'm still not over HIM. though we were not together for long, what i have for HIM went back a long way (even before we got to know each other). i treasure all the sweet memories of the short relationship coz they're all i have that we shared. little things about HIM can drive me crazy. i know it's silly of me to behave this way but i juz can't help it. HE was the major factor in helping me to let go of a past relationship which took a year. that's probably one of the reasons why HE's so special. things can never be the same again. can it be? till now, i'm still wondering if HE was serious about me, about the relationship. things that happened and the reasons HE gave, were they true? put all my trust in HIM at the beginning but things somehow went the wrong way. was afraid of history repeating and hence all the questions start setting in. if given a chance, i will do everything to make up for whatever's lost. it's easy for me to have a crush on someone, to like someone. but it's not easy for me to fall in love with a person and when i do, it's even more difficult to make me fall out of love.

it's been a wonderful night, juz like a dream come true. something that i've been secretly wishing for has finally happened. HE invited me for a dance! wonder if it was the effect of the alcohol and would he have done the same if he was more sober. *shrug* guess it doesn't really matter to me now as long as i had the chance. no words can describe my happiness, and i'm not exaggerating. but i'm a little confused by my own feelings. felt kinda upset coz i know this is not gonna last. it's juz a one time thingy. how i wish time would stop at that moment and the song would never end. being a little dramatic but that's how i felt. i know it's silly of me. did try to put the past behind me but guess it's not gonna be that easy. in any case, wanna thank him for lighting up my otherwise dull night. =)

catherine's a happy girl! *smiles* was woken up by weixing and gang in the late morning of tuesday. the phone call kind of cheered me up a little from the previous day's gloominess. wanted to get me to play mahjong but i was stuck in hall. ended up being teased by them as usual but at least it brought the long gone smile back to my face. was supposed to help out with the JCRC preparation for FOC but decided to give it a miss and go gai-gai with susan. *grins* the heavy rain ruined our original plan to visit ikea to get new stuff for my room. headed down to city hall instead. did a bit of shopping from citi-link to suntec and guess what?!? my charles and keith heels finally gave up on me! *laughs* the strap snapped and i bought a pair of slippers from OP which happens to be my only buy of the day. we went on to explore the newly opened marina square. nice place with lots of cafes and restaurants though it was a little empty. we were attracted to the ambience and settings of sakae at 1st sight. it's probably the best meal i ever had at sakae. the quality of the food is better and with the great atmosphere, i enjoyed my dinner much better. wanted to take pictures but we didn't have the best seats. guess i'll save that for our next trip which is planned to be in the near future. *winks* wednesday afternoon was spent snuggling in bed. haven't had a good rest since monday when i came back to hall. met up with gracie, shirleen and hazel to celebrate gracie's birthday. had dinner at miao yi vegetarian restaurant in coronation plaza and headed to 'island creamery' at serene centre for dessert. the mudpie was fantastic and their reversO icecream was yummy! the girls were amazed by my orders which i shan't reveal. *bleah* i'll definitely frequent the place in future. thanks to gracie and marvin for dropping me off at zouk later in the evening. wonder if it was the effect of the icecream that made me kinda high. *smiles* the music was not too bad but i was kinda tired to dance through the night. broke yet another record - drank half a jug of long island! but it only further confirmed my hatred for the drink. received a few persons' smses: limay, carol and janice lao gong. thanks for your concern. i'm feeling better le. no worries. got up at 1pm on thursday and headed to finish the last bit of preparation at Seminar Room. can't believe we actually spent the whole day and night (to be exact 12 hours) to set up everything, excluding the time spent for the past few days. the place looks really pretty and so does my newly decorated notice boards. *grins* shall go take pictures tomorrow and post them up. be patient and wait ya. now, i'm chatting over msn with susan though she's only 3 doors away. guess what's our conversation about? of coz it has to be food! *laughs* the crazy girl is coming up with a wishlist for food. i'm so gonna put on weight as we have plans to go lots of places to satisfy all our cravings. as a matter of fact, i've already gained 1kg! *sigh* in any case, i'm still looking forward to our eating spree. *drools*

PISSED! that's what i'm feeling right now. for the past few days, i've been trying to get over everything that has happened. juz wanna put everything behind me. well, if that's the case, why on earth did i bother to read his blog? serves me right! in any case, this is specially dedicated to mr tay.

1. i'm sorry to have not seen or appreciated your efforts to prevent things from happening. but it seems to me that you'd juz stood there and did nothing that fateful night.

2. why the hell in the 1st place would those persons who have judged you be interested to find out the story if you have deemed them to be 'important'? they have their own lifes to much care about yours mind you! (that's from me)

3. it's really up to you what you wanna do. no one can ask you to do what you don't want to. i suppose you believe that you have done what you could have done in your context.

4. roger the point that she's not your girlfriend. but look at my post, i used the word 'supposed'. if you can't control her life, what makes you think you can control mine? didn't wanna drag more people into the picture but it seems like i have no choice but to say this now. your close buddy ken had told me that you messaged him to get me go for a drink in order to avoid any ugly situations. both him and sebastian did try and i'm sorry for not listening. i have my point to prove. if she has her right to be there, don't i have my right to be where i want to be too? what makes you think you have a say in asking me to leave? see how contradicting and biased you are?

5. i understand that it's in no one's control to say who's to be in a club or not. seriously, i don't remember saying i don't wanna see her there again. it's not up to me to decide who's to enter or not. i'll take the line back if i'd made such a childish statement.

6. we're juz out to have fun and enjoy ourselves at clubs. but sometimes, such things happen and when it does who can we blame? no one. coz no one wants the night to be spoiled. i'm not saying that she can't be there on the dancefloor. i don't own the club much less the dancefloor. all i asked for from you was to stop her from doing what she was doing.

7. 'fear of the consequences you will face from her if you interfered' was quoted from ken. verify with him all you want. frankly, i don't care whose side you'll be on if a fight starts. reason? coz i wouldn't wanna get into a sprawl with her in the very 1st place. too ugly a thing to do. do get the facts right but correct me if i'm wrong. you know very well who was looking for whose trouble that night. i did NOTHING! nothing at all. i did not lay a finger on her nor hurl any abuse at her. the only people whom i shouted at was those who tried to pull me away. you know me, i juz wanna have my fun and HATE to be disturbed. let me make it clear now: i'm not one who will START a fight but no guarantees if i'm challenged AGAIN.

8. who doesn't make mistakes? i admit i was rude to roll my eyes away, and if it makes you happier in any way, i apologise. friends who had been with me long enough will know. i'm not the kind who puts on a false front. though i deny it at times, my expression is a true reflection of my emotions. why should i bother to be nice to someone whom i don't have a good impression of? i see no point in befriending someone when i know nothing good will come out of it.

9. it doesn't make much difference to continue dancing or stand there and do nothing except sending messages to others to get me to leave. i never did say it's your fault. right from the start, i never did not point fingers at anyone. if caring for myself deems me to be a selfish girl, i'll take the name.

10. i know the basic courtesy. thanks for reminding though. i juz find it hypocritical to smile at someone i dislike. detest is too strong a word to be used. what's the point of forcing a smile on the surface when i'm cursing at the bottom of my heart? it was in my intention to exaggerate the point about her trying to befriend me if you hadn't read the sarcasm between my lines.

at the end of it all, who are you and ken to decide what's going to happen? assurances? let me assure you one thing. even if she ever initiates a fight, i wouldn't return any blows much less start one with her. this i promise. for those friends who tried to stand up for me in one way or another, i believe it was all out of concern and i thank all of them for that. you are in no position to judge them, please don't. it wasn't in my agenda to get innocent parties involved and i'm sorry for all the problems i've directly or indirectly created. last of all, who really knows the full situation? has any of them, joanne, allan or even sebastian talked to me over this issue? i believe not. till last wednesday, i've always thought the conflict was only between the two of us. what i've discussed with a few of my friends was never directed at her. after the incident, i've not spoken to any of those that you have mentioned. what do they know then? your side of the situation or rather her side of the story.

i'm sick and tired of this. much as i want to not let it affect my life, it has. i'm trying very hard to get out of all these nonsense. i'm juz a simple girl who wants to lead a simple life. have fun and be happy. is it that difficult? even the 8 rounds of mahjong in 18 hours on friday can't make up for what i'm feeling right now.

never imagined there could be a worse mambo compared to last wednesday but it happened. my night was totally wrecked by a crazy girl. guess i was wrong to think that everything with him had been solved and settled. let's refer to him as mr tay (getting kinda messed up with the multiple him(s)). there's a saying that goes "don't go looking for trouble and trouble won't come looking for you". totally disagree with this statement. didn't do anything that could have sparked off the incident last night and it juz happened. shall leave out the details on what exactly went on on the podium. interested parties can look me up. warning: be prepared for my never ending ranting. i believe i had done my part as a friend of mr tay. learnt that his girl did not have a good impression of me (no worries, the feeling is mutual). for that reason, i steered clear of their paths. even went to the extent of not hanging out with my regular group of friends whenever the couple's around. juz wanted to stay out of trouble and don't wanna make things difficult for anyone. things were getting on pretty fine to me and i wonder what got into her head last night. why is she making herself angry over the fact that i'm ignoring her and claims that i was giving her 'the looks' since we both don't have a good impression of each other? seriously, i have not figure out why is she so interested in befriending me. look, i wouldn't want to make friends with people that i don't have a liking for. so what is it about me that's so appealing to her? why does she need the attention from me? *shrug* i have no idea. one reason could be, i WAS mr tay's friend and therefore she wanted to make peace. good effort but hey! if that's the case, show me the basic respect a friend should have for one another. i've given face by not returning any of her actions and words. didn't want to create a scene in zouk either. took a step back and she took two steps forward, stepping all over me. don't take advantage of my kindness and push me off my limit. if there's gonna be a next time, i swear i won't give in anymore. for mr tay, if you had treated me as a friend, you wouldn't have allowed your supposed girlfriend do such a thing to your friend. would you? please take your mrs tay in hand. that's all i ask for. heard you did not interfere for fear of the consequences you would face from her. and for that, i lost all the trust and faith i had in this so called friendship we had. all that you have said doesn't match your actions. and if i hafta put up with such nonsense by being your friend, sad to say i would rather give this privilege up. it's too much for me to handle. last night had been embarrassing and i don't wish for a repetition. but what's done can't be undone and i won't be able to forget what happened. no apologies would help the situation. there's no point in saying sorry after slapping a person real hard. i have slight knowledge of what you are going through from the guys and i'm really puzzled. but i respect your choice. sorry for not being understanding and for coming to such a decision. i know i'm being unfair but what's fairness? i'm not getting my fair share either. what upset me further was when friends around asked me to leave when it happened. know it was out of concern and for good of everybody. but why do i hafta be the one to leave? *sigh* she was the one who came to provoke me when i did nothing at all. juz felt unjustified to why i hafta be the one to go. in any case, thanks to all those who were there to help, especially daniel, jayce and sebastian. i apologise for being rude but was really pissed at that point in time and words juz came out of my mouth without going through the brain. *shrug* i'm contradicting myself on the apologising part but that's the least i can offer.

well, i treasure all my friends out there. no matter how we've met and what we had gone through before. i can't do without any one of you. i'm not one who gives up on my friends unless it's absolute necessary. different groups of friends had accompanied me through different stages of my life, from yangzheng to cedar to AJ and finally NTU. i'm thankful for your presence. you added colours to my life. kinda inspired after reading daniel's blog and decided to mention a few names. *smiles* not gonna give any award though coz it's gonna be a tough decision.

(not in order of merit)

Gracie: someone who will always be there for me. no matter where i am or what hour it is, she'll always be there when i need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear. what we've gone through together for the past ten years have made our friendship stronger. saw me through my most down periods and shared my happiest moments.

Shirleen: a girl who never fails to offer me comfort and who is a great listener. though we seldom get to meet, we still remain as close as ever. since day one in cedar, we've been through lots of ups and downs and made our friendship to be what it is today. will never forget our pineapple tarts making and brownies baking days.

Janice: my dearest lao gong who's been a great team-mate and soul-mate. went through lots of hard training and tough competition from cedar to AJ. shared tears and joy. training camps will never be the same without her. i'll always be her dear princess.

Quanrong: my ex-boyfriend who treats me better now than when we were together. always offering good advices and can trust him on giving frank answers. buys me my favourite donuts in times of need. in case of emergency, he's always the first help line on the list.

Susan: best friend in hall. guess the only common interest we have is food. does the craziest things when we're together. can be trusted upon to take care of me when i'm drunk.

for those who are not mentioned above, don't feel sad. *grins* you're all dear to me, especially my team-mate cum classmate for four years (bibiana), my boi (peiling), my regular mahjong kakis (adrian, jeffery, jj) and my clubbing friends (allan, daniel, jayce, sebastian etc).

events that brightened up the past week:
- dad bought twelve durians home on friday and we had a durian feast! *yum yum*
- played mahjong on monday, tuesday and wednesday coz adrian's back! (gonna have another session this coming friday. *grins*)
- today's the 2nd anniversary of getting my driving licence! 7th JULY! *yay*