情非得已

難以忘記初次見你　一雙迷人的眼睛
在我腦海裡　你的身影　揮散不去
握你的雙手感覺你的溫柔
真的有點透不過氣　你的天真　我想珍惜
看到你受委屈　我會傷心(看到你傷心　我會失意)

只怕我自己會愛上你　不敢讓自己靠的太近
怕我沒什麼能夠給你　愛你也需要很大的勇氣
只怕我自己會愛上你　也許有天會情不自禁
想念只讓自己苦了自己　愛上你是我情非得已
愛上你是我情非得已

什麼原因　我竟然又會遇見你
我真的真的不願意　就這樣陷入愛的陷阱

laugh at me all you want ya. this is a pretty old song but it juz suddenly came to mind. *grins* not exactly out of the blue. happened to hear it in the background during a conversation with someone. *sigh* i believe in kharma. i really do. it's scary that things are going the way they are now. have no idea what to expect or maybe i'm juz being over-sensitive yet again. well, there're many other things in life that are of higher priority, things like family and career. juz can't help but lose focus at times. such times are getting more frequent and longer each time. i know i don't wanna lose this 2nd chance. but do i have the choice in the 1st place? *shrug*

*smiles* back from yanzi's concert! though i was kept outside and could only hear her sing live, it was good enough. paid to go for the concert wor. where to find? *grins* was really over the moon when i got the deployment from my boss. thanks janice! yeaps. i still love yanzi. but guess i'm getting old, can't be like the young kids anymore. i was never crazy over my idol like them in the 1st place. was surprised that most of the songs she sang tonight was from her earlier albums. nice and i love them. surprise of the night was seeing professor yow. he went to the concert with his wife, brother-in-law and the girlfriend. and guess what?!? the girlfriend is actually someone i know and who had denied being attached very recently. uhm... makes me wonder. you know who you are. *evil laughter* anyway, shan't gossip too much about people coz i believe in kharma. *laughs* back to my professor. he was the lecturer and tutor for my favourite module ---> MATHS! back in year 1 NTU. he's probably the one and only tutor who will remember me. guess i left a deep impression for him coz of the performance i did back then. it's good to see him again. think i'm beginning to like my job more as the days pass, especially events like tonight and road shows. get to meet lots of people from all walks of life. but very soon, i'll hafta be in store. kinda got the green light from the big boss and my direct heads. gonna switch to full-time after chinese new year. don't think i'll get chance to handle events and road shows like now though i would really love to. guess i can't have the best of everything.

went out with a long-lost friend on friday. it was a great night ya. catching up and talking of the good old times. was still pretty worried that it might turn out weird but to my surprise, was pretty comfy with the company, way too comfy i guess. *shrug* am pretty confused now. history seems to be repeating. the very reason why i chose to leave back then was faith, the lack of it in fact. really am afraid of putting my trust in someone. don't wanna get hurt again. but sometimes, the person could be true? *sigh* kinda cleared the misunderstanding we had of each other over the past 8 years. was more than surprised to know that he actually remembers so much about me. what amazed me was the fact that he actually spot on my home number which at times i tend to forget too. maybe i'm juz being over-sensitive. soft spot i guess. need to find my way round this.

I'd rather have bad times with you,

than good times with someone else.

I'd rather be beside you in a storm,

than safe and warm by myself.

I'd rather have hard times together,

than to have it easy apart.

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart...

quoted this from my so-called cousin's testimonial in friendster. could really relate this to my views on relationship. sounds silly but i guess love is blind. or rather, i choose not to see at times. and it's pretty frequent that this happens. met up with the accountancy group this afternoon for lunch. usual updates on our lives as well as gossips of coz. our main concern was who's attached and who's not plus who's gonna be the 1st amongst the group to get married. i believe it comes with age. *sigh* realised that throughout the years in NTU, i actually had a number of relationships (not including flings of coz). some are definitely more memorable than the rest. 1st on the list would be my dear dear -----> tall, smart and sporty. mr nice guy would be a good description of him. he'll go the extra mile for his friends (that's including me but that doesn't make me any different from a friend *pouts*). nevertheless, that was what attracted me to him but perhaps was one of the main causes for our quarrels too. he was my everything (i stopped clubbing for his sake, that was how important he was to me). we spent almost every single day together. it's always the sweetest at the beginning. no doubts we had our little tiffs but we'll eventually compromise (most of the time it was me who gave in *bleah*). as time passes, our differences such as views and lifestyle became an issue which can't be resolved and our tiffs eventually became quarrels. he finally couldn't take it and wanted a break. at that point in time, things had gotten really bad but i still insisted that i rather live life unhappily with him than to be without him. that's what love can do, makes one dumber. it took me more than a year to heal the wound and ease the pain. when i finally did get over in a way, little did i realise that i had jumped from one hole to another deeper hole. along came HIM. HE touched my heart, really did. i sorta got over dear dear coz of HIM but yet HE chose to break my heart. HE left me, not only once but twice. really hate myself for being dumped twice and being so dumb. till today, he still refuses to give me a reason. i'm really silly when it comes to relationships i guess. it's gotten to a point where i dare not bear anymore hopes in relationships. what's meant to be will be.

haven't been blogging for a long time. not that i've been lazy. juz too tired to do so. seems like it's getting a little dusty in here. gonna do a little update right now. sebbie: u can stop nagging. *grins* it's been a hectic december. was trapped at shaw road show from 3rd december to 2nd january. finally got to understand why friends around me are constantly complaining that they're too tired to hang out after work. apart from mambo on wednesdays and occasional mahjong, i usually head straight home after work. simply too tired to go anywhere else. hafta say that through this month, i learnt lots about people and work. sometimes i juz wonder if i really have higher expectations of people i'm more familiar with. i wouldn't want to use the word close. guess i'm juz kinda disappointed, though it doesn't really concern me. *shrug* thanks to all my colleagues at the road show. you've filled my month with laughter despite the lousy weather and long working hours. it's been great working together. i'm not sure if i'm cut out to do sales. but one thing i'm sure is that i'm enjoying what i'm doing. that's what's important isn't it? certainly, i've got lots more to pick up if i wanna excel in this line. dealing with customers and even colleague(s). thanks to friends who popped by to visit, especially janice, susan and daniel. you brightened up my otherwise dull working days. spent my only off day of the month going back hall to pack some stuff home. so gonna miss my hostel room which i stayed in for 3 1/2 years. can't bear to move out. haven't got much of a choice though. *sigh* attended my nephew's wedding dinner in the evening. the most frequently asked question of the night was "When is it your turn?". so when is it? i've got absolutely no idea. bumped into a senior from hall 8 at the dinner. what surprised me was the fact that we're actually distant relatives. *laughs* how small can the world get? feeling a little lost that i don't have any deployment for now. treasuring every moment of the precious time i have for myself though. so not gonna enjoy such luxury once i start on a permanent job. it's a brand new year with new resolutions. for a start i had a new haircut and colour. *smiles* pretty happy with the new look. hope it's gonna be a better year ahead.