know i haven been faithfully updating my blog. reason is simple: busi-ness. *grins* busy with having to do stupid reports on a daily basis. busy adapting to changes around me. busy playing games on my DS! busy recovering from my cough. busy collecting doraemon magnets: trying very hard to think of what is needed at home from 7-eleven. busy keeping darling accompany. hardly have time for myself till today. really need a break. planning a short getaway trip early may i suppose. was deciding between genting and cruise. the former is chosen so as to save money. well, i wonder if it's the correct decision. in any case, know i'm gonna enjoy myself as darling's gonna be with me. *smiles* issac will be joining us and will probably be getting brendan along too. it's gonna be fun. DS is so gonna be my best travel mate to genting as it's gonna keep me company throughout the long coach journey. how i wish we could travel by air. really hate long bus journeys. not to worry though. i'm gonna have my DS with me! *laughs* i'm juz so crazy over DS now. and guess what? i've decided not to get a camcorder for my dad but get him a DS instead. main reason: wanna get a good camcorder which is better than what he has at present, but those would definitely range from 1k above. however, considering the fact that he doesn't use it more than 10 times a year, it's not that worth the money. besides, my dad's like a kid. always planting himself in front of the PC to play games after work. so probably he would appreciate owning a DS. i'm a filial daughter, aren't i? already made plans to actually acquire 2 more. 1 for dad for his birthday and 1 for mum for mother's day. they can then play versus. *grins* great idea right? so proud of myself. gotta stop here and go catch some drama on tv. been a long time since i have the luxury to do that. will be back for more updates.

to little nina: been nice working with you the past two months. please take good care of yourself in the new outlet. i'm sure you'll be able to adapt to the new environment in no time. i'll still be a phone call away if you need any help, any kind of help. you'll be badly missed. *hugs*

been a real busy week for me. TUESDAY: my only off day of the week was packed. met gracie for lunch at changing appetite (marina square). the reason why i chose the place was coz all their cheesecakes are at 50% on tuesdays! ordered a pizza for main coz i've been craving for one since god knows when. but guess what? it wasn't available! juz my luck. ended up having pasta again. dessert was great though. an ultimate chocolate cheesecake and a rum raisin cheesecake. *drools* chatted with gracie and almost forgot the time. it's really a headache when you're caught between 2 job offers. ger, go for what you really want. no matter what your decision is, i believe you'll do well. headed down town to pick up darling. went daniel yan to get my dress for dinner and dance. spent more time than expected to choose a suitable dress. i hafta admit that black is boring but elegant. in the end, i chose a off-white short bubble dress. looks pretty cute in it. *laughs* yes, that's what i want. something different from the rest. headed back to darling's place to get the car and went back home to fetch my parents out for dinner. met up with my aunt and family. it's kinda a tradition that we always have a meal to celebrate the january babies (my mum, my aunt and my niece) birthdays. dined at lingzhi vegetarian restaurant at far east square. had steamboat buffet. felt really fat after the meal. sent my parents home and headed to steven's house with darling. played 3 rounds of mahjong with issac, joseph and steven's dad. ducky says that he's tired and didn't wanna play. got his dad to stand in for him. hafta thank my lucky stars that i actually won that night. *grins* all thanks to all the gang and ga i had. WEDNESDAY: company's dinner and dance at padang. weird place to hold a formal function? i certainly shared the same thoughts. in fact, the place is now open to public till 16th April :: Crystal Mirror :: tickets are pretty costly. they serve french cuisine or should i say lousy and cold french cuisine. the perfomances are great and entertaining but that still does not make the tickets worthwhile. loved the settings and ambience. however, it was a little warm that night. they serve nice red wine though. it's a pity that only a minority of the field force team was invited. to be honest, it was one of the worst dinner function i've ever attended. SATURDAY: darling's sis's big day. got up early in the morning. there wasn't much for me to help but i couldn't possibly sleep in when the rest of the family are there in the house. sis wanted to keep everything simple. juz the usual prayers and tea ceremony. took a short nap in the afternoon and headed for buffet dinner at sis's new home in punggol. i swear i'm never ever gonna move there. though the buildings look beautiful from the outside, the flats are really small. plus the place is really secluded and seems pretty unsafe to me, especially in the night. darling sent me home after a short gambling session.

darling gave me a surprise when he turned up at my doorstep at midnight. gave me a bigger surprise with the gift he brought along. yes! i finally got my Nintendo DS Lite! *smiles* got it in ice blue colour as i didn't have a choice. though it's not in pink, i love it all the same. all thanks to darling who used his motor rewards to redeem the DS for me, sacrificed his PSP. *big big hug* my darling's forever so sweet. gonna sms kenneth the 1st thing tomorrow to get him help me with the memory card and games. *grins* so exciting.

lOving 7-eleven :: lOving dOraemOn

hate repeating myself but i really HATE stupid customers. if you buy a phone, please DO NOT take it for granted that we hafta transfer your stupid contacts for you. i'm sorry, but it's a SERVICE that i'm doing and NOT OBLIGATION. i've been and i'll be a really nice girl if you had bought the phone from me. would try my best to do a data transfer even if it's very troublesome (like certain samsung models which you hafta copy the contacts one by one). but you hadn't got it from me, or in the worst case scenario, from other shops, DON'T expect me to always be obliging and DON'T ever give me the stupid face when you're rejected. 1stly, if you dunno how to transfer the contacts, ask the sales person who's selling you the phone to do for you, that's the most basic. most common reasons (or excuses): they very busy, queue very long, alot of people, cannot do. so what makes you think i'm very free? i have my own customers to take care of as well. besides, i'm not gonna be responsible if any of your contact numbers go missing. that's beside the point. 2ndly, if you dunno how to use the phone, don't buy! what for buy such a good phone when you don't even know how to do the most basic of all? yes, transferring contacts is the most BASIC? so what if you had gotten the phone from my colleague? was it my fault that contacts weren't transferred? what makes you think i should have helped you? irritating bitch. when i saw you again today, i knew why i wouldn't have helped you in the 1st place (though i can't even remember you at all). yes, that's how INSIGNIFICANT you are. sometimes, if you had gotten me at the correct times (when the shop's not so busy), i would gladly help. bonus for those nice aunties and uncles who need help. i admit that attitude plays a big part too. if you give me lousy attitude, you can FORGET about me giving you good service. trust me, i've NEVER believed that customers are always right and i NEVER will. this phrase has made many consumers in singapore going overboard, complaining over every little thing. SHAME on you!

it's been a bad day for me and for darling too. poor him still stuck at work place. shant elaborate what happened and for your information, he's the reason why i'm still up. as for myself, it wasn't really the customers that have gotten me upset today. customers have been really kind to me. apart from the bitch who turned up in the shop this afternoon, others have been really nice. i should be happy. what brought my day down is probably an incident that happened around evening. think i'm really getting old. memory's failing me. for the past year, i've never committed such a mistake. today have gotta be my 'lucky' day. i'm still puzzled over why it happened and how it could have happened. gotta be more alert from now. *sigh* i'm juz such a scatterbrain. so affected by it though it's not a really big issue.

izzit me? or izzit them? i have no idea. blame it on generation gap? different backgrounds? or the real reason could be i simply cannot stand bimbos? *shrug* i would never have imagined getting more than 20 points for my 'O' levels, let alone say 40 plus. i'm talking about L1R5 not L1R4. pardon me friends, for i know 'O' is such a long time ago. i'm a proud 9 pointer with 6 distinctions. surprised? *laughs* its not that i look down on people who doesn't have good academic results. those grades don't mean anything. for those who know me, you'll know what i mean. i do admire people who didn't do well in school but who are good in character, especially those who are doing well in society as well as at work. you have my respect. but if you aren't intellectual, at least try not to be bimbotic? it's really sickening. i'm not the only one who thinks that you girls behave like bimbos. at least i know it's not a biased statement. maybe it's a wrong word to use as i don't think you are pretty enough to be labelled as one. probably brainless is more appropriate. i don't care if you think i'm fierce or unfriendly, cause your comments don't bother me. i'll be nice to you if you're nice to me. that's my principle. if you find that you don't need me, i don't need you either. don't ever cross my path or tread on my toes. that's my final warning to you.

Valentines Day
received my pressie a few days in advance. darling had sacrificed his lunch break to search for it :: ring from citigems :: *beams* that's my new love now. wearing it everyday but so afraid that i might lose it knowing how unfated i am with rings. i'm still upset over the blink blink that went missing 2 years back. *pouts* i'll take very good care of this purple stone. went to work earlier than usual as darling had promised to bring me out for dinner. he's been tight-lipped about where he's gonna bring me to. *anticipation* it was yet another boring day at work, same old questions and same old problems. juz so sick of it. i'm glad i have darling's dinner date to look forward to. was standing at the door when i saw a girl holding a bouquet of flowers walking in the shop's direction. juz as i was wondering who the flowers were meant for, the girl asked me for catherine. *surprised* happily acknowledged the receipt. lovely red roses. shouldn't have spent the money. but i really love them. *smiles* happiness is the only word when the clock turned 1800. finally time to knock off. the only hiccup of the day was probably the stupid jam. waited almost an hour for darling and when i got onto the car, he still didn't wanna tell me where we're heading. however, as he's unsure of the route, he had no choice but to tell me our destination :: SENTOSA :: due to the heavy traffic, we took about 45 mins to get from tampines to sentosa. by the time we reached the place, we had only an hour left for dinner. nevertheless, i loved the arrangement. had our dinner at sea village restaurant, a restaurant by the sea. though the food wasn't great, i loved the ambience and beautiful scenery. went for a short walk at the rhymes of blooms. need to digest the huge amount of food i took. *grins* the decorations were pretty. the last surprise of the day was the mahjong session that darling had arranged with issac and steven. as brendan couldn't make it, we had joseph to make up the last leg. though we lost in the end, i enjoyed my valentines day with darling. he' s juz so sweet. knowing what i want all the time.

Chinese New Year
had a pre-CNY mahjong session with brendan, issac and steven on the eve of CNY eve. as all of us (minus issac) doesn't have to work on the eve, we played all the way till 8 in the morning. poor issac had to go to work straight after the session. *grins* we're juz so evil. headed back to darling's place for a short rest and went down town to meet my NTU NBS friends at noon. as expected, many couldn't make it at the last minute. had our lunch at orchard cineleisure's pasta mania. 1st topic over lunch was of coz gracie's upcoming wedding next year. others include complaints of work, discussion on future plans and reminiscing the past. really miss those days in school. went to adrian's place for another mahjong session with xuanru after lunch. darling went off to play billard with his friends. been a long time since i stepped into adrian's place. played till around 6 in the evening and adrian sent me home for my reunion dinner. rest of the evening was spent on prayers, watching new year variety on TV and steamboat.
1st day of CNY: went to gu-ma's place to bai-nian. nothing interesting. cousins were asking when i'm getting married and my older nephews are forever trying to get on my nerves by calling me auntie. stayed there for around an hour and headed home to offer prayers. darling came over to fetch us to yew ting cousin's place at holland. nice 2 and 1/2 storey house. love the architecture but somehow, i feel that alot of space were not utilised. spent the whole evening there chit-chatting and munching on goodies. can't imagine how much weight i'm gonna put on. went home with my parents around 8 plus and darling picked me up from home at around 9 plus. lots of changes in plans all cause of steven and finally we set it to be gamble session at his place. started really late (around midnight), all thanks to steven who made us waited for him to leave his other "gamble den" for almost an hour. played blackjack from midnight till 7 in the morning. really amazed by how gambling brings people together. mark, kenneth and me from nokia, darling, issac and carey from singtel and steven (plus girlfriend) from active8. darling and steven were really crazy. placing stakes of up to 400 bucks on every hand. *madness* at one point in time, darling had a deficit of 2.3k. was really quite worried for him. really glad when he broke even and in the end he even won. *smiles* great luck to start the new year. sent the rest of the guys back (except for carey who went off on his own).
2nd day of CNY: slept for a few hours and i had to wake up to go visiting. took a cab down to darling's place. uncle sent me to crescent when i told him to go avenue 2 and ended up having to make a detour. the fare came up to be more than 20 bucks! but nice uncle knew that it was his mistake and ask for only 16. gave him 18 for good luck. stayed at darling's house for a while and we headed to his ah-ma's place. ate lots of cashew nuts (my favourite) and gummies! *fat fat* left the place around 4 and we went to pick up issac to go to steven's chalet at east coast. bought fries from mac to munch and issac got himself a sundae. refrained from getting one for myself as i know i'm so gonna get fat. played a few rounds of blackjack with steven and his colleagues. this time, they were more sane. stakes were kept at a maximum of 30 bucks. left the place around 8 plus with darling and issac to go visiting at huimin's (one of darling's managers) house. met up with the rest of the staff at her place. simply couldn't resist the temptation of those CNY goodies, same goes for darling. *laughs* they told me to keep an eye on him as he has put on alot of weight already. poor boy. kept being picked on for eating non-stop. left the place around 9 plus and we headed back to east coast. packed our dinner from burger king drive through. *yum yum* darling's luck was really good this new year. he won yet again for the night. as darling had to work the next day, we left the place at around 1 in the morning.
3rd day of CNY: rotted at home the whole day. did nothing except watching TV and filling my stomach with goodies. took a short nap and went down town to pick darling up from work. after getting the car from home, we went to jurong east's NTUC to pick up some groceries. headed home and prepared ai xin dinner for darling. *beams* food wasn't fantastic but it's the thought that counts. borrowed que sheng 3 dvd from steven and we caught it that night. wasn't that nice as compared to the previous 2 episodes. time really flies. 4 days of holidays juz passed in the blink of the eye. really dread going back to work but am glad that my 1st day will be at parkway, makes life a little happier.

sometimes i ask myself. what do i really want from the company? promotion? recognition? honestly, if the promotion means little monetary returns (pathetic would be more appropriate) and more shit jobs, i would rather stay at where i am. i'm pretty much happy with what i have right now, getting along well with colleagues from the retail side and on top of that nice bosses. what more can i ask for? not that i would reject a promotion, but i'm looking forward to a higher post than SSC. say i'm greedy, but who's not? i really hate pretenders. people who keeps saying that they do not care about such promotion but their actions prove otherwise. little actions and words to the superior. i hate that. if you really don't care then don't try to earn credits at the expense of others. observation one: claiming all the credits during training, trying hard to prove oneself's capability. obeservation two: hinting to superiors that him/herself should get the recognition award. so what if you had lost out to someone last year due to your sales though you were supposed to get it for your performance? admit it, you're juz not as good. somehow, i juz feel that it's pretty unfair. does it mean that if your superior is more aggressive, you'll be able to get the award? i definitely feel he's not worthy to clinch the title. well, if i'm the one who's gonna take it, there're people who's gonna say the same thing. everyone has got different working environment. how do you judge his performance? by attendance? by what the managers say? for sales, it's a concrete thing. target says everything. but for performance wise, there's always a grey area, what the superior doesn't see or know is not taken into account. so does it mean that if you do enough "performance" during monthly meeting and trainings, you'll get the award? i'm probably too comfortable in the comfort zone that i tend to resist any slight changes, not to mention major changes. what shall my next step be?

mambo jumbo at zouk on CNY eve! i wanna go! it's been a really long time since i've been there. will i be able to make it? i wonder... in a really bad shape now. down with flu, cough and sorethroat. wanna get well before the festive season starts. hopefully i'll get a chance to go clubbing. sometimes i really wonder what the upper management is thinking about. yes, i'm gonna complain about work again. honestly, if you're looking for long term staff, would you hire a bunch of 'O' level grads? at a time like this, i don't think this group of young girls would be satisfied with juz a 'O' level cert. give them half a year, i'm quite sure they'll resign and move on with further studies. what's the point then? waste a huge sum of money to train them, put them through courses and after 6 months they leave. the cycle goes on. i understand that the company is rich but that's not the way to waste resources. even if you wanna to widen the age group of staff, you hafta search for suitable candidates and not juz pick any ah hua or ah lian. in addition, there seems to be double standard towards the new girls. so what if you're on probation? so what if you hadn't got the proper attire? isn't it the norm to get yourself proper attire and not to say that coz you're still on probation and it's okie not to follow the rules? sounds ridiculous? i really wish to see things from the company's point of view. i'm trying hard to. the consolation is, there's 1 out of 3 of the new girls who's positive towards learning and better in attitude. maybe it's generation gap. can't seem to communicate with them. catherine is getting old.

all i want for new year is...

LV Koala Wallet in Damier canvas (Azur) - it's been a long time since i last changed a wallet. guess it was about 4 years ago. really love the koala wallet in damier canvas. very unique. it's a new design. nice nice. gonna get it after chinese new year. *praying hard*

Fujitsu LifeBook S6311 - i should be contented with my IBM ThinkPad. juz can't help but wish to get a Fujitsu. it's juz so sleek and beautiful. plus it has got bluetooth capability which my IBM doesn't and an additional USB port. most importantly, it's much lighter. only about 1.7kg. can't wait to lay my hands on it.

Nintendo DS Lite Coral Pink - been thinking about it since the KL trip. juz wondering when can i afford the time to play. my mum and dad gonna be the ones fighting over it i suppose. *laughs* i don't need it but i guess the colour attracted me, plus the fact that darling will be kept entertained when i'm playing mahjong. should i or should i not?

Papillio Madrid Silk Flowers Pink - bought the madrid folklore rose instead coz the silk flowers pink is twice the price. 130 bucks for a pair of sandals. that's pretty crazy. i'm still thinking about it though. it's really pretty. wanna have a pair of my own. i'm a greedy little girl. anyone wanna place an order? *evil grins*

it's a wednesday night. i'm supposed to be at zouk. supposed to. 6 months ago, you'll never fail to find me at the same place. sometimes i juz wonder if it's all worthwhile. to be honest, i love to club. i really do. juz don't understand why people don't understand my idea of clubbing :: to enjoy the music, dance, have a couple of my favourite drinks and catch up with friends. it's juz that simple. nothing more than that. miss mambo. *sigh* david asked me that day :: what is considered being selfish in a relationship? i believe that all humans are selfish in one way or another, it's juz the degree of selfishness that varies. i admit i'm selfish but there're times when i'll give in. it's true. at times like this, i juz wonder if i'm being taken for granted. i know it's unfair that i'm not speaking up but somehow i need time to think. whenever this happens, i'll juz sink into deep thoughts but after a long night of rest, i'll juz decide to keep the matter aside. that's not very helpful i guess. maybe it's juz me. it's been almost 2 months since i last clubbed. for someone who clubs at least once every week, i suppose 2 months is a record. i know i'm repeating myself but i miss mambo. whispering our goodbyes waiting for the train i was dancing with my baby in summer rain...

feeling grouchy. many many reasons to that. 1stly, darling went to play di with carey, issac and steven. leaving poor baby all alone at home. it's the 3rd consecutive night he's out with the guys. poor poor baby. 2ndly, it's a wednesday night and i'm cooped up at home! i wanna go clubbing! last night i was dreaming i was locked in a prison cell.. 3rdly, work. counting the months, i'm with the company for almost a year (excluding part-time days which were more fun). many many changes, especially in terms of colleagues. good and bad. so many new faces in the company. don't even recognise. still remember my days as a newbie. learned everything through practice. really thankful of people whom i worked with for being so patient. it's not easy. today, i got to know a piece of news which upset me quite a bit. someone's leaving the company for a better offer. really happy for her but at the same time can't help but feel sad. she was the 1st person i got to know in the company. helped me a lot and been through bad times with me. one of the reasons why i managed to convert to full-time. so gonna miss her when she's gone. one less reason for me to stay with the company. work is becoming so routined. answering the same questions every day. why can't everyone be more kind to sales personnel or CSO? we are humans too. we have bad days too. can't expect us to know everything right? juz coz i belong to one company doesn't mean i hafta do everything for you. it's not an obligation, it's a service. have you ever tried to get someone at best denki or harvey norman to repair your faulty plasma tv? if the answer is no, stop asking me to help you service your phone. most hated: you mean you dunno your product? only know how to sell, dunno how to repair. what kind of service? customer service sir/madam. what kind of logic is that? if i sell phone means i must know how to repair? if that's the case, go to your car dealer and ask them fix your car for you. next most hated: same company ma. why can't i leave the phone with you? send it for service for me la. i'm very busy, can't always come down and waste my time le. you're not the only one who's busy lo. if every customer comes to me and ask me send their phone in for service, i no need work liao lo. i'm going mad from all these. really sick of it. i'm in need of a break seriously.

Christmas 2006
spent a homely christmas eve at home with darling. sweety darling bought a delicious log cake from polar. wanted to get from swensens but as expected, log cakes were sold out. lovely christmas tree, yummy log cake, sweety darling and pressies! count down with me to christmas. mum commented that i deliberately put up the tree at home to get more pressies. *laughs* that wasn't my motive but well.. it's a blessing in disguise. been wanting to own a christmas tree that i can call my own. and finally! i get to have one after 24 years. *happiness* thanks to darling for helping to transport the tree back from orchard. even all the decorations on the tree were hand-picked by me. wouldn't bear to tear it down when the season's over. played mahjong at steven's place with brendan, issac and of coz, the host himself on christmas night. it was a night full of fun and laughter. funny guys. enjoyed myself even though i lost in the end. poor darling dozed off while waiting for us to finish. you're juz so sweet.

Happy 2007

decided that it was too crowded to go anywhere for countdown and hence came home to take a good rest only to find that my parents had gone to the community club to countdown with the rest of the neighbourhood. so happening. *grins* went marina south for BBQ and steamboat with my colleagues after work on new year day. apart from past and present parkway staff (Nelson, Agnes, Thomas, Marcus and Alvin), others who were present were the roadshow team (Berlyn, Jeffery and Shawn), from suntec (Desmond) and Eddy (sorry, have no idea which outlet you from). it was another night full of jokes and crap. you can't imagine how nonsensical these people can get. someone tried to hide my sirocco during the night but backfired as i had my name engraved on the back cover. *bleah* the bowling centre was our next stop after supper. agnes, alvin and thomas vs jeffery, nelson and eddy. shawn had a few guest appearances. trust me, there's more fun than you think there could be hanging out with them. left at around 1 plus to join darling, brendan and issac for number ball. if you're wondering, i was watching them not playing. can't play table balls for nuts. had a great night out with the guys. hopefully the rest of this year would be as fun and enjoyable as the 1st day.

miss me? *grins* finally back again. the only reason why i've got the spare time to blog is simply coz i'm on holiday! well.. not that i'm totally elated to go on this trip but it's definitely a getaway from work. if only darling is here with baby. missing darling so much. miss the times we had in bangkok. i wanna go on a trip with darling again! that's only possible next year i suppose. planning another hong kong or bangkok trip. there's basically nothing to buy in KL. prices are pretty similar to singapore. why should i bother then? so disappointing. by the way, if u're wondering where i found the extra leave, i didn't. company's incentive trip. everything paid for. was staying at sunway resort for the past 2 days. realised that i'm too old for theme parks. can hardly take the excitement. was quite fun though during team building. my team actually came in 1st and each of us won a 80 bucks takashimaya voucher! yay! to add to my happiness, i won a total of RM249 during the mahjong sessions for the 1st 2 nights. basically, the new specs i made is free. hee! i'm simply evil. now i have excess ringgit in my wallet. need to spend them all by tonight. or maybe i'll juz play mahjong again. *grins* got a nice view out of my room in marriot. can see the twin towers. wanna go shopping! tik i need to get new pants for work. *sigh* was discussing about future plans with my fellow colleagues over lunch. guess i'm gonna start looking for a new job soon. though i'm pretty happy with what i'm doing now, i can't stay on in this position forever. wanna get out of sales/telco line. it's pretty tiring. and it's really a bad idea for me to stay on in telco. i'm juz so affected by the promotions. *laughs* got a Nokia 6233 for my dad and a pink Nokia 7390 for my mum. Singtel's promotions were simply irresistable. wanted to get a Sony Ericsson W850i too. decided against the idea coz i simply have too many mobiles! still remember my 1st mobile :: Nokia 6110. birthday pressie from dad. next is one of my favourites as it has a blue screen :: Nokia 8250. upgraded to my 1st coloured screen mobile :: Nokia 6100. got myself a pretty phone, my all-time favourite as well :: Nokia 7270. now, my new love would be Nokia 8800 Sirocco! hee. phones i've used for the past year is probably more than what i own. my 1st mobile from Nokia :: N90. followed by N70, N91, N80, N73, N93, Nokia 5300 and the latest would be N73 Music Edition. it's time for dinner! gotta go. will be back soon. =)

growing cobwebs in here. isn't it? *giggles* been really tied up with work. guess age is catching up fast on me. gets tired real easily nowadays. routined work is making catherine a boring girl. went for a nokia event early this month. realised how much i miss working for events and road shows. feel so cooped up in the shop everyday. i shouldn't be complaining since i'm rotating between 2 outlets. but i juz can't help it. seeing the same old people everyday. thankful to all my nice nice colleagues. sometimes i juz don't understand why people (not customers) juz can't open their mouth and ask when they don't have the answers. they hafta pretend to be smart alecs. *sigh*

have not been signing my attendance at zouk for some time. can't afford to club every week. old people need more rest. *laughs* i'll still be back once in a while though. *winks* cutting down on mahjong as well. adrian was out of town for almost 2 months. and now, the kids are having their exams soon. plus xuanru hafta accompany his girlfriend over the weekend. no time, no players.

working for nokia does have certain benefits. one of which is having demo phones, lots of demo phones. beginning to lose the happiness when i receive a new phone. it's juz like part and parcel of my life. i no longer hafta wait for 21 months before i get a new toy. *grins* however, some of you may know. i juz recently spent my "entire life savings" on my new love ::Nokia 8800 Sirocco Edition:: fell in love with it as soon as i saw the image online. a pretty basic phone with not many functions but nice to hold and touch. it's lovely! make a guess which colour i got? the images are taken with the dummy handsets i got in the shop. looks real don't they?

so wanna take a break again. feel like travelling. for your information, i went to hong kong with susan and bangkok with my darling in july. that explains why i can't go on anymore trips. i simply do not have any more annual leave to clear. plus the fact that i'm pretty broke and my target for the last quarter of this year are screaming at me. i can't afford to go on another holiday this year! *sobs* guess i juz hafta be good and wait till 2007.

poor me hafta go to work already. will try to keep my blog updated.

juz read a good friend's blog. hope you're feeling better and hope things at home are better. don't worry too much ya. things probably aren't as bad as you imagine. i've been through it and i've imagined the worst. in the end, it was juz false alarm. juz remember you'll always have your good friends (like me!) around you. sister, believe in the fortune teller. life's gonna better after this year and i'm sure you can pull through. long time never go ktv. muz jio me out one of these days ya. was really glad to see you on wednesday. sorry that i didn't dance with you at the podium. you should know the reason i suppose. though it's long over i juz wanna steer clear of his path.

met up with an old friend for dinner. the same old friend i met in january. it's juz amazing how we click. no other intentions. we're juz good friends. bad times i suppose. juz like me. really need a break. kinda upset that my trip with susan's postponed to july. he suggested going bangkok or was it me? *shrug* but we both need a short trip juz to relax. and guess when's our flight? next week! he's starting his masters in june so we have only next week. now i juz hafta confirm my leave application. feeling excited but unsure. i know the trip would do me good. shopping always makes me feel better. but there're much more things that i hafta consider.
1. BUDGET - going hongkong in july. hafta save up enough for the trip as well. i wanna go disneyland badly! additional holiday gonna burn my pocket.
2. WORK - getting bored of my routined working life. need something exciting to make myself happier. can't help but feel bad having to take leave now and again in july.
3. sOmeOne - of coz you wouldn't mind. would you? even if you do, you wouldn't say. you'll say nothing to me.

no replies yet again. i shouldn't be letting this drag on. should i? it's no good to leave things hanging. but well, you did make it clear to ask me to let go. telling myself and people around that i will if i find someone better. how do you define better? that's my question. till now, i've not met anyone that fits the bill better than you do. am i juz refusing to accept others or am i juz blindly liking you or are you really the best for me? people ask, why him? time and again i tried to find the answer but i juz couldn't. if there's a reason, it wouldn't be love anymore. *sigh* it's a silly question but i still want a silly answer from you. will you be upset if i were to marry someone else? juz wondering if you'll be upset if i were to be gone juz like the previous time but i suppose if i do, i'll never be back again. never will.

you wouldn't believe what i did today. *grins* MOVIE MARATHON! was a great and fun day! been a long time since i actually caught more than one movie in a day. wondering who was my "partner in crime"? who else but susan! our 1st show was Poseidon. reminds me of the show titanic. that's how i felt when i saw the trailer some time back. my mum actually asked if it was the sequel to the latter. after finishing the show, it further confirmed my feelings juz that there were more action and much less romance. a rather nice show. as promised, we watched Mission Impossible 3. i've never thought tom cruise was cute till this show. i wonder why. maybe it's the show or maybe it's juz me. my 2nd time catching the show but i still enjoyed myself throughout. it's probably the storyline that attracted me. When Stranger Calls wasn't scary in the scary sense. argh! dunno how to describe the feeling. anxiety is not the word either. from the beginning to end, i could feel my heart race. and the show got me so paranoid that i didn't wanna take the lift with 2 strangers back at my place. walked all the way to the other end of my block to take the lift up. wanted to call you at that moment. scrolled to your name but didn't dial the number. my guess was you were probably too busy to entertain my silly phonecall. *sigh* disappointment of the day was probably dinner. went sakae at citylink. apparently, they had a different menu. many of my favourites weren't served. *sulks* decided to make up for the lousy dinner by going to swensens for dessert. banana crumble, deep fried mushroom and fries. *yummy* that was much better. time to sleep but still missing you. will you call tonight?

feeling like a pig and eating like one. i'm supposed to be losing weight! face getting rounder. can hardly see the edges of the square. *pouts* been skipping my breakfast and lunch during work hoping to get rid of the fats. but it's really hard if i continue to feast like this for dinner. met susan for dinner in town after work on saturday. sorry for the long wait but i'm still trying to figure out why customers like to walk in only when i'm about to knock off. decided on NYDC coz we're both missing porky's salad! guess it's been a really long time since we dined there. god knows when they changed their menu and took out porky's salad! what a disppointment. wonder if the disappointment got into susan's head or was it her nature? told me she wanted mushroom and ham but ended up ordering three amigos. was thinking to myself that she changed her mind really fast. but when our food was served, she realised she placed the wrong order! *slaps forehead*
Dinner Menu:
- Garlic Toast with Mozeralla
- Three Amigos Baked Rice (for susan)
- Mushroom Madness Pizza (for me)
we were offered free dessert at NYDC by susan's SR senior who was working there. but i decided to forgo that and move on to cartel for dessert. *grins* have i really not been dining out for a long time? so not used to their new system of ordering and billing. i seriously believe they are over-staffed but still inefficient. nevertheless, i still enjoyed the food.
Dessert Menu:
- Strawberry Milkshake (for susan)
- Eastside Brownie Stack (for me)
- Potato Wedges

seems like we can't stop once we start. went chomp chomp with susan after i knocked off last night. been some time since i visited the place. wanted to go amk for my favourite carrot cake. decided that chomp chomp has got more choices. *laughs* my diet is not gonna work at the rate i'm eating. i'm so gonna grow fat! help!
Dinner Menu:
- Carrot Cake (both black and white *extra large*)
- Fried Oyster (for susan only)
- Chwee Kuey (6 pieces)
- Sugar Cane Juice (one large glass for each of us)
seeing all the food remind us of our JB trip some time back. the amount we ate was truly amazing. really miss the fruit juice there. especially my favourite honeydew! it was probably the company that made the trip so fun. shopping and eating. so missing those times.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~7th July 2007~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wanna get married! met up with gracie on tue and wonder what sparked off the discussion. whether i'm afraid of being left on the shelf or izzit the ringing wedding bells that got me crazy but i really wanna get married! the question now is: who shall i marry? *laughs* seriously, i thought to myself. if any one proposes to me within this year, i'll probably not hesitate to agree. *hint hint* guess it's more of wanting to put on the wedding gown and the desire to have my own kids than anything else. or maybe, i'm juz tired of my current life. geminis get bored easily i suppose. it's time i stop painting beautiful pictures. it's time for me to face reality. it's never gonna happen. i'm really tired. tired of telling myself to give up. tired of believing. juz tired. not meant to be. if it is, things would have developed back then. i thought i had a 2nd chance but seems like i was juz imagining things. *sigh* you told me to give up for the time being. if i want to and can do so, i would have given up. you're forever keeping things from me. sometimes, i juz wish i know more. don't want your problems to affect others. that's your nature but i juz wish i could share. maybe i'm pushing too hard. too agressive. maybe i should have let what's past remain as past. for now, i really wanna get married. can someone please propose?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~mambO~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

been a while since i clubbed. it was fun! can't really remember what happened. confession: i was high. probably that was why it was more fun than usual. met several different groups of friends and the 1st half of the night was spent drinking. was at velvet with susan and friends most of the time. god knows what i drank. but i suppose i downed at least 8 lychee martinis. it's hard to find good drinking kakis nowadays. honestly, i don't remember what songs were spinned. according to sources, i forgot my moves. *laughs* not that i forgot, juz that i was too high i suppose. can't help but i really miss those regular clubbing days. met yin on the way to shell. question: why are you always the only girl with a group of guys? izzit safe? strange but i suddenly feel like going back to being a les. fine. super no link but that's juz a thought. you told me not to drink so much in future. but why didn't you ask why i drank so much? guess there wasn't a concrete reason. juz felt like drinking. it's good to relieve stress this way once in a while.

叶子的离去是风的追求还是树的不挽留？这句话对我而言可说是刻骨铭心。那时的我曾想过。我已尽全力去留住他，但他始终决定离开。这也就是所谓风的追求吧。现在回想起过去，觉得自己还真的很傻。但是，我从没后悔曾经所付出的一切。他说以我的个性来判断，我并不像是那种会眷恋一段过去的感情的女生。但我就是这样。记得在去年的演出里，我有一句台词：如果真相等于受伤害，我宁愿一辈子被隐瞒。这是我在现实生活中常挂在嘴边的话。当时，我真的恨他对我承认事情的真相，证实我的猜测是正确的。经过了这些日子，我终于明白时间真的能冲淡一切。现在的我想起他或是见了面，心已不会痛了。虽然还是不能以平常心来面对，但也没有那种感觉了。不可否认的是他在我生命中留下了一段美好的回忆。

你是否在猜测他是谁？或许这一切对你根本不重要。已经一个多月没见了。你是否也跟我有同样的想念？很抱歉。对你的态度非常差。我知道我的决定令你感到很失望。但我想不出更好的对策。如果唯有离开才能够让我们在一起，我会这么做。或许你会因我的选择而放弃这段感情。若是如此，我也只好认命。我知道这个时期对你很重要。你没有多余的时间去处理其他无关紧要的事。但有时候我真的不知道自己是否在空等，好没安全感。你能告诉我该怎么做吗？

since young, i've always been a very family girl. many of you out there are probably laughing your hearts out. believe it or not. but i am pretty attached to my parents. i have my fair share of rebellious stage, running away from home, doing things that broke my parents heart. but deep down, i do care for this family. *shrug* it always feel good to be home, especially when i'm down. well, i wouldn't deny that at times, i rather stay out. reason being i don't wanna make my parents worry for me. being the only child has made me to be what i am today. yes! i'm finally admitting this officially. i'm pampered, spoilt in one way or another. i never hafta worry about anything and most of the time i'll get what i want. started swimming lessons since the age of 5. stopped going for lessons at the age of 7 coz i couldn't perfect the butterfly stroke. i'm a perfectionist remember? my mum wanted to enrol me for art class, but i juz didn't have the interest and talent that artists ought to have and i'm spared from the course. wonder where i got the idea from and opted to go for music class instead. picked up organ at the age of 9 if i remember correctly. did pretty alright for practical but guess what? i flung my theory grade 2. well, that spelled the end of my passion for the instrument, using PSLE as an excuse. went against my mum's wishes and took up basketball as my cca in cedar. she's always wanted me to join badminton but i really can't do racket games till today! guess i'm pretty lucky. hafta thank my parents for giving me good genes. i never really did hafta worry about studies. everything went pretty smoothly for me till NTU. my parents never did put any pressure on me, from the choice of schools to courses, i was in full control. mum wanted me to go NYJC but i chose AJC coz i really hated NY's uniform. *laughs* wonder if i juz went with the flow and didn't realise a point. juz recently, mum told me that they never did expect me to wanna get a degree. they wouldn't mind if i settled for juz a diploma. i've always thought they wanted me to have the degree, to do them proud. i never knew i had the choice of going to poly. i know i broke their hearts when i chose to withdraw from the course, but that was probably the best way out rather than to stay on and waste the family's resources. things are getting better at home, relations wise. but sometimes i juz wonder why my parents are juz so different. it kinda stresses me out. had a mini birthday celebration for dad. something which we'll never miss every year.


a friend asked: "How have you been? always wished you are happier and better." honestly, i have no answer to his question. life's definitely better now that i'm outta school. don't hafta worry about assignments, projects, lab reports and examinations. *cheers* school aside, i'm missing hall life badly. was looking at some old pictures taken in hall. miss all the fun i had, especially my old neighbours. late night suppers and mahjong sessions, sitting on the ledge, be it looking silly doing mambo moves or juz simply chatting (aka gossiping), clubbing together, inter-hall games, freshmen orientation, dinner & dance, production. *sigh* work is pretty simple and routined. juz that i'm beginning to hate the politics that's beginning to surface. plus some of the lousy customers that i hafta face. received 2 complains in 3 days. i'm probably gonna get into trouble soon. maybe i'm not gonna get pass the probation period. *shrug* i like my job but sometimes i juz wonder if i'm suitable for it. i really prefer to be 'tai-tai'. any takers? at this juncture, some of you may ask: "thought you're attached?" it's stated in my friendster profile, 'it's complicated'! i myself have no idea. my status is too profound for me to decipher. have no wish to think about it anymore. i'm tired. tired of trying to solve a problem that's got no solution. to some others, you may say: "you're juz finding excuses for yourself to play the field." all i can say is let time tell. my heart is closed and only one person has the key to it. but whether or not it's gonna be unlocked, it's hard to say.

izzit the lack of sleep? my swollen eye? or pms? maybe it's a mixture of everything. i've been really easily irritated and it's kinda affected my work. attitude towards certain customers was bad, especially when they had no intentions of purchase. i know this shouldn't be the case, but i juz can't help it. adding on to my frustration is the fact that i can never knock off at 830. the crowd at parkway always choose to come in at this time. maybe it's true that customers have already arranged to come in juz as i was about to leave. seriously, i wouldn't mind staying back to help out if they're really shorthanded. what i don't understand is why handle so many customers on your own when there're other colleauges around? is that one or two more commission so important? in the end, you might juz end up with nothing at all. should have utilised my mc on monday. perhaps my eye wouldn't be in the state it's in right now. can hardly open my eye. decided to give up my weekend off again to rest at home. realised that it doesn't really pay to be good at times.

a regular customer walked in on monday to purchase a handset with a 1000 note. as it was the 1st deal of the day, we didn't have enough change for him. he left with the phone and said he'll come back for his change later. he came back on tuesday saying that he wanna exchange the phone he bought for a even higher end one claiming that the lady with him didn't like the design. it wasn't our policy to do exchange and he got a new handset without the exchange without a word of complain! i've been wondering which line he's in. *grins* was telling my colleagues that i wouldn't mind being his mistress and all of them had the same reaction. told me to stop dreaming. maybe he would mind? i wouldn't even stand a chance. can't you guys be more confident of me? *hmph* can't blame them though. guess the odds are against me with how i look with my swollen eye now. *pouts*

been more than a week since i met you. miss you lots. busy period again with lots of meetings. sorry but i'm beginning to lose faith. i'm starting to question if it's the truth you were speaking when you said you're attached though you claimed it to be a joke. it's not about trust but more of self-confidence. this was one of the reason why i chose to 'disappear' back then. i really wouldn't know what to do if that's the case now. perhaps i wouldn't even have the choice. wonder why but each time i fall in love with someone, the person juz seems to be less nice to me. others around juz seem to care more for me in comparison. probably it's me. higher expectations i suppose. don't blame you for being busy. i know how important the business is to you and i know the consequences. maybe it's juz not meant to be. *shrug* you know how i hate it when you say that i've got other choices? it hurts. but you juz keep doing it. wonder how can i let you know how i feel.

have you ever wished to go back to the past? i do. i often hope that i could turn back time. reason? probably to make up for all the regrets i have. *sigh* it's been 2 weeks. not that i didn't have the time nor was it due to tiredness. i juz didn't wanna make blogging a habit, especially when i'm feeling down. reading through my entries, it appears that majority of the posts reflect unhappiness. i'm a selfish person i realised. much as i'm a frank and straightforward person, i do find it hard at times to reveal how i really feel. i've always taken for granted that others would be able to read my mind. but that's not always the case. i'm back in my comfort zone i admit. i'm no longer the independant and determined person i used to be. many times, i would choose to take the easy way out. being the only child has made me grown used to doing things on my own. though i enjoy being in the company of good friends, i have no problems shopping in town alone, dining on my own or simply spend time by myself. wonder when did i start to crave for the company of someone else. it's scary. i have my doubts but i put in 100 percent trust. izzit worth it? *shrug* received a sms from quanrong on wednesday. wonder why but it's always the case that he's in some kind of trouble whenever he looks for me (it's a mutual thing i suppose). was looking at the past email exchange we had and the little notes he wrote for me. strange but i could still remember how it felt. 2 years plus and it seems juz like yesterday. don't get the wrong idea. i've long put down the relationship. what's between me and him is pure friendship. can't remember when was the last time before wednesday that i clubbed. decided to head down to mambo since i was on training for the week. "feels like i'm back home" is probably what best describes how i felt. miss those days when i could club with the group every week, dancing to our favourite music. the session made me felt better. a group of us then went spize for supper. it's been a long time since i hanged out with the group like this. thanks to roger for sending me back and to adrian who drove me to zouk. i'm really pampered. aren't i? at the end of it all, i've still not come to the point yet. i really wanna turn back time, to where it all started. wanna be at the beginning when we 1st met, year 1 NTU.

to be continued...

斷點
作詞：張敬軒　作曲：張敬軒

靜靜地陪你走了好遠好遠
連眼睛紅了都沒有發現
聽著你說你現在的改變
看著我依然最愛你的笑臉
連這條舊路依然沒有改變
以往的每次路過都是晴天
想起我們有過的從前
淚水就一點一點開始蔓延

我轉過我的臉　不讓你看見
深藏的暗湧已經越來越明顯
過完了今天　就不要再見面
我害怕每天醒來想你好幾遍

我吻過你的臉　你雙手曾在我的雙肩
感覺有那麼甜　我那麼依戀
每當我閉上眼　我總是可以看見
失信的諾言全部都會實現
我吻過你的臉　你已經不在我的身邊
我還是祝福你過得好一點
短開的感情線　我不要做斷點
只想在睡前　再聽見你的　蜜語甜言

我真的受傷了
作詞：王菀之　作曲：王菀之　編曲：江建民

窗外陰天了　音樂低聲了　我的心開始想你了
燈光也暗了　音樂低聲了　口中的棉花糖也融化了
窗外陰天了　人是無聊了　我的心開始想你了
電話響起了　你要說話了　還以為你心裡對我又想念了
怎麼你聲音變得冷淡了　是你變了　是你變了
燈光熄滅了　音樂靜止了　滴下的眼淚已停不住了
天下起雨了　人是不快樂　我的心真的受傷了

祗想一生跟你走
曲：巫啟賢 / 陳佳明 詞：劉卓輝 編：Aubrey Suwito

共你有過最美的邂逅
共你有過一些風雨憂愁
共你醉過痛過的最後
但我發覺想你不能沒有

在你每次抱怨的眼眸
像我永遠不懂給你溫柔
別再訴說我倆早已分手
像你教我傷心依然未夠

但你沒帶走 夢裡的所有
讓你走 為何讓你看不透

但求你未淡忘 往日舊情
我願默然帶著淚流 很想一生跟你走
就算天邊海角 多少改變
一生只有 風中追究 不想孤單的逗留
但求你未淡忘 往日舊情
我願默然帶著淚流 很想一生跟你走
在我心中的你 思海的你 今生不可不能沒有

愛的路上只有我和你
詞/曲：阿弟

不知道什麼時候　開始喜歡這裡　每個夜裡都會來這裡看你
你長得這麼美麗　叫我不能不看你　看不到你　我就迷失了自己
有時候你很調皮　總是讓我著急　一顆心　總是為你跳不停
只要一閉上眼睛　總有千百萬個你　你的影子裝滿我的腦海裡
不能夠不想你　也不能夠忘記你　總是在夢裡一直看到你
多想對你說句　我是真的愛你　對我的心不要再懷疑
好想牽你的手　走過風風雨雨　有什麼困難我都陪著你
直到天長地久　直到天荒地老　愛的路上只有我和你

it's been a really lousy week and that's part of the reason why i haven't been blogging. izzit pms or izzit juz me? *shrug* guess work at nokia has driven me crazy. my life is juz too routined. honestly, i miss those clubbing and mahjong days. not having to worry about any other things. i know that's an irresponsible thought but i juz wish life would be more interesting. juz a passing thought. no worries. there're more things i hafta put into consideration apart from my own happiness. my dreams and all others around me. much more than i can imagine. i can't juz give up as i wish. had too much faith in myself. thought i would be able to face everything. but deep inside, i'm breaking down. hafta admit that i'm not as strong as people think and i'm not as independent as i seem to be. it hurts and that makes me feel like putting down everything and run away. would rather choose to be the woman behind the successful man than to be a successful woman. but i realised that the former may not be easier than the latter. *sigh* why is life so complex? sometimes i juz wish to settle for a simple life. probably that would make living less complicated. but can i?

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high.You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is medium.You tend to be the one with more power.You aren't a total control freak in relationships..But of course you don't mind getting you way! Cynicism: Your cynicism is low.You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low.This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

Extroversion: You have high extroversion.You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness.You're generally good at balancing work and play.When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness.Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have high neuroticism.It's easy for you to feel shaken, worried, or depressed.You often worry, and your worries prevent you from living life fully.You tend to be emotionally reactive and moody. Your either flying very high or feeling very low. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is low.You're a pretty conservative person, and you favor what's socially acceptable.You think that change for novelty's sake is a very bad idea.While some may see this as boring, many see you as dependable and wise.

came across the quiz from susan's blog. seems interesting. though i know such quizzes aren't 100% reliable, i still can't help but believe there's certain truth in them. been a few days since i blogged. nothing special nor exciting. life's been pretty monotonous. work, work and more work. my legs and back are aching from the long hours of standing. though it's nice to know that customers are happy with my recommendation and service, it's still not enough to make up for my tiredness. to make things worse, i feel that i'm pretty unappreciated. hafta agree that all that i'm doing is part of my job scope but it seems like people are taking it all for granted. *sulks* weekend was real crazy, especially saturday. the crowd in store seems never ending. but well, at least sales was good. argh! i wanna stop thinking about work. stresses me out totally. missing someone real badly. not only now but for the past few days. does he know? *shrug* wonder when he's not gonna be busy. not in the near future i believe. juz wanna shelf all my insecurities aside. it's not easy. been having frequent sleepless nights though i'm physically tired. my mind juz can't stop thinking. gonna try migrate to dreamland now. can't afford to fall sick. good night!

*tired* but wanna leave a post here in case you checked out the blog after work and wanna read something. didn't wanna disappoint you. felt kinda happy but i know it's only the beginning. got lots more work to do. motivated but yet am stressed yet again coz i really wanna see results. thanks for all the help and encouragement. most importantly, for not giving up on me all these while. juz a little secret (not anymore after i declare *bleah*) that i wanna share. was so reluctant to let go of your hand juz now (if you remember when). juz so tempted to keep holding on. *sigh* the very reason why i hesitated when you held out your hand. i knew i would melt. this is juz too scary coz i know i'm so gonna get hurt if anything goes wrong. is this juz an illusion? *shrug* to all those in mambo. sorry that i haven't been going but i've got important stuff to do. till i've got more time ya. promise i'll be there. it's another working day tomorrow. how upsetting. every single day at work, i juz pray for time to pass faster not that i hate my job. but juz for the very fact that i can see him after work. i'm juz so silly aren't i? guess my reason's becoming stronger. is that good or bad? i've absolutely no idea.

feeling excited that it's wednesday. reason? it's definitely not mambo that's making me feel this way. my 1st off day after i started full time with nokia. spent a week at parkway and seriously, i'm beginning to regret a little. the feeling is juz so different though my job scope is almost the same. i like my job but somehow, i'm juz not enjoying as much as when i did road shows and events. like i mentioned, there's no turning back. i can only make the best out of the situation. whatever it is, i'll give my best shot at whatever i do. i only wanna be the best and nothing less. the only comfort now is that i'm getting more comfy with my colleagues and i guess it'll be better in time to come. thanks gracie for taking the effort to visit me at my workplace on saturday. seeing you made me feel better though it's juz a short meeting. missed mambo for 2 consecutive weeks. wonder if anyone's missing me. *grins* honestly, i had my share of fun and attention at zouk, guess those memories are enough. nevertheless, i'm glad to have friends like jayce, sebastian, daniel, joanne, huiqing, mitchelle and the list goes on... for now, nothing else is more important than achieving my goals. nothing else except him maybe. *shrug* correct me if i'm wrong but i believe certain events tonight may have made you feel insecure. but trust me, no one else have the ability to close me except you. when i set my mind on something, i'll not give up till the end. geminis are fickle minded but they're stubborn too. for this matter, i know i'll hang on coz i know what i really want.

love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you love you

it's not that i have nothing to say but i guess actions speak louder than words. *smiles* thanks for everything. i love you. *muacks*

missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you missing you

heeded someone's advice to stay home and rest. work is really tiring me out. no doubt this is much easier than shaw's road show in december, i'm still drained by the 8 hours of non-stop smiling everyday. it gets real tiring when i hafta put on that false front even when i'm dead tired or unhappy. guess that's the reason why people may think i'm feeling down. juz feel like taking off the mask once i knock off. perhaps i'm juz tired, very tired in fact. more of mentally drained than physically exhausted. i'm sorry if i sounded hostile last night. but i needed to voice out how i feel before i go crazy. seriously, i do see your point and all. however, you can't deny the truth in my statements. i understand that you've not only got your own future to handle, but a lot more others are in your care as well. certain things have more priority over others and i can't help but wonder where i stand. time is not a good excuse. like i said if you can't spare the time now, it's gonna be even more difficult to have the time in future. you asked me to put my trust in you and i did. somehow my confidence has been badly shaken. many of you out there muz be thinking i'm juz wasting my time yet again. but i decided to take the risk. i'm scared. but this is the best way out at this moment. i have no other choice but to believe him.

Valentines' Day
wonder how i should start. turned down all dates this year for ME. my family dinner came in as a good excuse to push away all invitations and a good answer to all the queries. i finally felt the burden on me. it all happened too fast. till now, i'm still wondering what's the next step i should take. should i press on to confirm my doubts or should i juz let nature takes its course? fear of the results. really dunno if i can handle everything if something should go wrong. i'm truly worried. guess you're the only one who probably knows what's going on. *sigh* juz praying hard for the best. today also marked the beginning of my career with nokia. as i was telling my bosses, sold myself to nokia and there's no turning back. pretty excited and yet worried. it's gonna be tiring. real tiring. wonder if i'm gonna be able to cope both mentally and physically. but i know ME and my family would keep me motivated. despite being stressed by the shocking news, i went on with my plan 'B'. what does 'B' stands for? uhm... think hard. you should be able to guess. bet you're laughing at me yet again while reading this. well, my 1st attempt at it solely for you. *bleah* should be honoured. a pity plan 'B' was only half executed. *pouts* dinner was ok. not only coz the someone didn't turn up but also due to the fact that someone really close didn't make it as well. guess i don't really fancy steamboat in the 1st place. went party world with a group of friends much later in the evening and i enjoyed myself. been a long time since i sang and the company was great. session ended at 3 and we headed to este. my 2nd visit and i found it to be quite a nice place though not many people would appreciate. went home at 6 and hafta start work at 1230. how interesting!

1st Day of Work
still remember the 1st day as a part time promoter for nokia. was at wisma's nokia shop. felt pretty lost but i know since then that i'm so gonna love this job or rather the nature of it. today, i felt like i'm back to square one. my job scope is pretty much the same and i can't help but feel upset when i commit silly mistakes. guess switching to full time means more responsibility and higher expectations. yes! i'm stressing myself yet again. tomorrow will be a better day i hope.

Lost in Emotions
been bugged by something which i happened to chance upon a few days ago. sadness, disappointment or izzit jealousy that i'm feeling? somehow, i juz feel insecure. it doesn't make the situation better when nothing is done about it even though i mentioned. know i'm juz being silly and childish. but that's truly how i feel. you said you are afraid of being closed and i know the reason why. trying to convince you bit by bit but it doesn't seem to be helping. *sigh* can someone please tell me how to build trust?

stayed home the whole of today. thoughts are in a mess. it's juz me. hate things to be in a mess and when that happens i'll either sort them out or run away from it totally. most of the time, i'll choose the latter. but not this time. i tried to see my problem. but the more i analyse, the more confusing it becomes. my fears are slowly devouring me as they start to increase exponentially. i've found reasons to keep me going. but the very reason that's moving me on is the worst fear i'm facing. with my current situation, this is the best way out for me. however, like i've mentioned, my confidence level is at a life-time low. i'm lost. have no idea where i can be found. and i know for a fact that if i don't regain my composure, i'll never succeed. as i was saying, i'm facing the worst fear i ever had. i know i've been closed. not that i've got no confidence of others. but more of myself. juz so afraid that at the end of it all, you'll find that i'm not the one. also, all the family problems you are facing are gonna place a bigger obstacle. i know what i want ---> the best for my parents (shan't go into details), FF line and most important of all, the two-letter word. you've done what you can to reassure me and i know for a fact that the biggest enemy i'm facing now is myself. i don't want to give up but i really dunno how long i can hold out.

juz got home from a mahjong session at adrian's house. guess it's really not my year. been losing money at all gambling attempts. wonder if the saying "qing chang de yi du chang shi yi" is true. can't i be greedy and have the best of both worlds? besides, my love life isn't that smooth either. *bleah* nevertheless, it was an enjoyable night. credits to xuanru. *grins* special thanks for the "ba wan" u hit to me during the last round. know you can't wait to get home to be on the phone with your wife. in a pretty confused state right now. been like this since last night in fact. kept asking myself what exactly do i want to achieve in life? my dreams were pretty materialistic prior to last night and i suppose i need to do some readjustment. *sigh* till now, i've still got no answer to my question. valentines' day is juz 3 days away. plans? yes i do. family dinner. no one believes but it's true. reserved a table for 10. wanted to ask that someone if he's interested to join me but i haven't got a chance to and recent events make it seems like i'm gonna get turned down. really sick of facing rejections. and i don't want to face another, especially a rejection like this. it's so gonna kill me. got reprimanded for foretelling the chances but i'm pretty sure of my intuition. *shrug* what should i do? many other questions which i wanna ask but when will i have the chance to?

surprised that i'm actually blogging at this hour on a wednesday night? so am i. *grins* this is the 1st mambo i'm missing for the past year or so. amazed? so am i. 1stly, i've got an interview at nokia headquarters at 10am tomorrow. don't wanna screw it up. 2ndly, it was a happy night out with gracie, shirleen and hazel. guess i wanna keep it that way. 3rdly, the past 2 mambos were pretty bad. don't wanna add another bad experience. there's a fourth reason to this which i'm not gonna disclose it here. *smiles* it's been a close to beautiful night. dinner at tonkichi (japanese restuarant in takashimaya) followed by drinks at Meze Bar (mandarin hotel). found another great place to chill out. good quality drinks with nice ambience. not forgetting hazel's got 50% off despite the fact that prices are considered reasonable. a pity that it closes pretty early though. a good alternative to new asia bar. been a while since i hanged out with the girls. it's only with them that i feel most at ease. *laughs* and i'm truly convinced that singapore is really small. topics revolved around relationships, work and common friends. cant deny the fact that we've really grown up. environment changes, people change but our friendship doesn't. really glad that things are back to what they were, at least close to what they were. if you'd noticed, i mentioned that tonight was close to beautiful. why so? *shrug* someone would be able to make it perfect. and you know who you are.

much as i don't feel like blogging, i'm still here right now. like my msn nick, i feel like i've gone back to the past. which past you would ask. *shrug* it's pains to see your love one being troubled but it hurts more when he doesn't share his unhappiness. you said you don't wanna affect me. but have it ever come across to you that i'm already affected seeing you so down yet i have no idea why. you asked if i had anything to say. i do. in fact, there're lots of questions i wanna ask. but i know it's only gonna add to your burden so i chose to keep quiet. sorry if i made you stressed. guess i wasn't feeling too good either. reason? i dunno. been feeling down since saturday night. missing you. *sigh* wonder if i should let you know i've blogged. should i?

sorry that i didn't blog last night. it's kinda upsetting that i could only talk to my blog most of the time. but it really warms my heart to know that you actually spare the time to read it everyday. if this is the only means of communication, i wouldn't mind putting every single thought i have up here. career is your priority, so is mine. but i guess it's in me that i'm more emotional. i understand what you are going through and i don't wanna be a hindrance to your promotion. juz wish i can share your problems. i may not be able to lighten your load, but i'll be there to give you the support. feel that i'm being kept out of your life. it hurts me to see you troubled but yet i have no clue to what's on your mind. i'm willing to wait but at least let me know i'm not waiting in vain. don't wanna be a passer-by in your life. i'm really scared. scared of losing you. if you're back for revenge, you've succeeded. not that i don't trust you. juz that i'm not confident of myself. i may be confident in other aspects, but when it comes to this, i have to admit that i'm vulnerable. but i've already taken the 1st step and i wouldn't want to give up. will you perservere on?

the road ahead isn't gonna be easy. many challenges and obstacles awaits us. i understand the fears you have. trust me, i'm scared too. it seems that time is going against us. never ending work to be done. i'm beginning to feel the stress, especially after i go full time with nokia. but like i told you, my working hours at nokia is pretty fixed, it's not gonna be too difficult to make time for other things. you said you wanna find someone who can go through the next 4 years with you. guess you have found her. it's juz a matter of whether you wanna give it a shot. "Failed relationships do not increase the number of monks and nuns in the world." i've found the reason to stay. have you? maybe you were a passer-by, but not anymore. i dunno how to reassure you, but time will tell. i wouldn't want to put our dreams and careers at stake if i'm not sure. wonder when you gonna have time and be able to read this. *shrug* another busy weekend i believe. have fun ya. gonna miss you.

*sulks* the reason why i'm blogging at this hour? very simple. someone juz told me that my update came too late. *pouts* what's the meaning of too late? i always believe that it's better to be late than never. what matters is the sincerity ya? anyway, i'm pretty bored right now. guess it's the 1st night since new year's eve that i'm home so early. feels good to be home at times. *sigh* will be better if i have someone's company. guess he's too busy to have time for me though. i believe his workload is gonna be heavier the next 2 days. wouldn't be hearing much from him i suppose. it's mambo night again later. sometimes i juz wonder what can make me stop going to zouk on wednesdays. like what i've been telling everyone, it's more of a meet-up-old-friends kind of thing for me. hafta say that alot has changed during the past year. people come and go. miss my good old mambo chummies. wonder when we can have a close to full gathering at zouk. *grins* that nosey susan juz asked me who's the someone i'm referring to. well, i'm gonna keep it a secret (for me to know and for no one to find out *laughs*) no point in revealing who he is now. guess he doesn't want to be name either. right?

情非得已

難以忘記初次見你　一雙迷人的眼睛
在我腦海裡　你的身影　揮散不去
握你的雙手感覺你的溫柔
真的有點透不過氣　你的天真　我想珍惜
看到你受委屈　我會傷心(看到你傷心　我會失意)

只怕我自己會愛上你　不敢讓自己靠的太近
怕我沒什麼能夠給你　愛你也需要很大的勇氣
只怕我自己會愛上你　也許有天會情不自禁
想念只讓自己苦了自己　愛上你是我情非得已
愛上你是我情非得已

什麼原因　我竟然又會遇見你
我真的真的不願意　就這樣陷入愛的陷阱

laugh at me all you want ya. this is a pretty old song but it juz suddenly came to mind. *grins* not exactly out of the blue. happened to hear it in the background during a conversation with someone. *sigh* i believe in kharma. i really do. it's scary that things are going the way they are now. have no idea what to expect or maybe i'm juz being over-sensitive yet again. well, there're many other things in life that are of higher priority, things like family and career. juz can't help but lose focus at times. such times are getting more frequent and longer each time. i know i don't wanna lose this 2nd chance. but do i have the choice in the 1st place? *shrug*

*smiles* back from yanzi's concert! though i was kept outside and could only hear her sing live, it was good enough. paid to go for the concert wor. where to find? *grins* was really over the moon when i got the deployment from my boss. thanks janice! yeaps. i still love yanzi. but guess i'm getting old, can't be like the young kids anymore. i was never crazy over my idol like them in the 1st place. was surprised that most of the songs she sang tonight was from her earlier albums. nice and i love them. surprise of the night was seeing professor yow. he went to the concert with his wife, brother-in-law and the girlfriend. and guess what?!? the girlfriend is actually someone i know and who had denied being attached very recently. uhm... makes me wonder. you know who you are. *evil laughter* anyway, shan't gossip too much about people coz i believe in kharma. *laughs* back to my professor. he was the lecturer and tutor for my favourite module ---> MATHS! back in year 1 NTU. he's probably the one and only tutor who will remember me. guess i left a deep impression for him coz of the performance i did back then. it's good to see him again. think i'm beginning to like my job more as the days pass, especially events like tonight and road shows. get to meet lots of people from all walks of life. but very soon, i'll hafta be in store. kinda got the green light from the big boss and my direct heads. gonna switch to full-time after chinese new year. don't think i'll get chance to handle events and road shows like now though i would really love to. guess i can't have the best of everything.

went out with a long-lost friend on friday. it was a great night ya. catching up and talking of the good old times. was still pretty worried that it might turn out weird but to my surprise, was pretty comfy with the company, way too comfy i guess. *shrug* am pretty confused now. history seems to be repeating. the very reason why i chose to leave back then was faith, the lack of it in fact. really am afraid of putting my trust in someone. don't wanna get hurt again. but sometimes, the person could be true? *sigh* kinda cleared the misunderstanding we had of each other over the past 8 years. was more than surprised to know that he actually remembers so much about me. what amazed me was the fact that he actually spot on my home number which at times i tend to forget too. maybe i'm juz being over-sensitive. soft spot i guess. need to find my way round this.

I'd rather have bad times with you,

than good times with someone else.

I'd rather be beside you in a storm,

than safe and warm by myself.

I'd rather have hard times together,

than to have it easy apart.

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart...

quoted this from my so-called cousin's testimonial in friendster. could really relate this to my views on relationship. sounds silly but i guess love is blind. or rather, i choose not to see at times. and it's pretty frequent that this happens. met up with the accountancy group this afternoon for lunch. usual updates on our lives as well as gossips of coz. our main concern was who's attached and who's not plus who's gonna be the 1st amongst the group to get married. i believe it comes with age. *sigh* realised that throughout the years in NTU, i actually had a number of relationships (not including flings of coz). some are definitely more memorable than the rest. 1st on the list would be my dear dear -----> tall, smart and sporty. mr nice guy would be a good description of him. he'll go the extra mile for his friends (that's including me but that doesn't make me any different from a friend *pouts*). nevertheless, that was what attracted me to him but perhaps was one of the main causes for our quarrels too. he was my everything (i stopped clubbing for his sake, that was how important he was to me). we spent almost every single day together. it's always the sweetest at the beginning. no doubts we had our little tiffs but we'll eventually compromise (most of the time it was me who gave in *bleah*). as time passes, our differences such as views and lifestyle became an issue which can't be resolved and our tiffs eventually became quarrels. he finally couldn't take it and wanted a break. at that point in time, things had gotten really bad but i still insisted that i rather live life unhappily with him than to be without him. that's what love can do, makes one dumber. it took me more than a year to heal the wound and ease the pain. when i finally did get over in a way, little did i realise that i had jumped from one hole to another deeper hole. along came HIM. HE touched my heart, really did. i sorta got over dear dear coz of HIM but yet HE chose to break my heart. HE left me, not only once but twice. really hate myself for being dumped twice and being so dumb. till today, he still refuses to give me a reason. i'm really silly when it comes to relationships i guess. it's gotten to a point where i dare not bear anymore hopes in relationships. what's meant to be will be.

haven't been blogging for a long time. not that i've been lazy. juz too tired to do so. seems like it's getting a little dusty in here. gonna do a little update right now. sebbie: u can stop nagging. *grins* it's been a hectic december. was trapped at shaw road show from 3rd december to 2nd january. finally got to understand why friends around me are constantly complaining that they're too tired to hang out after work. apart from mambo on wednesdays and occasional mahjong, i usually head straight home after work. simply too tired to go anywhere else. hafta say that through this month, i learnt lots about people and work. sometimes i juz wonder if i really have higher expectations of people i'm more familiar with. i wouldn't want to use the word close. guess i'm juz kinda disappointed, though it doesn't really concern me. *shrug* thanks to all my colleagues at the road show. you've filled my month with laughter despite the lousy weather and long working hours. it's been great working together. i'm not sure if i'm cut out to do sales. but one thing i'm sure is that i'm enjoying what i'm doing. that's what's important isn't it? certainly, i've got lots more to pick up if i wanna excel in this line. dealing with customers and even colleague(s). thanks to friends who popped by to visit, especially janice, susan and daniel. you brightened up my otherwise dull working days. spent my only off day of the month going back hall to pack some stuff home. so gonna miss my hostel room which i stayed in for 3 1/2 years. can't bear to move out. haven't got much of a choice though. *sigh* attended my nephew's wedding dinner in the evening. the most frequently asked question of the night was "When is it your turn?". so when is it? i've got absolutely no idea. bumped into a senior from hall 8 at the dinner. what surprised me was the fact that we're actually distant relatives. *laughs* how small can the world get? feeling a little lost that i don't have any deployment for now. treasuring every moment of the precious time i have for myself though. so not gonna enjoy such luxury once i start on a permanent job. it's a brand new year with new resolutions. for a start i had a new haircut and colour. *smiles* pretty happy with the new look. hope it's gonna be a better year ahead.

juz wanna be myself. be the ger i was a long time ago. i've changed since. wonder what made me the person i am today. environment, social circle or izzit juz me? it's really scary. sometimes i can't even recognise myself. though i wasn't even close to perfection, i was happy. that's the very basic thing in life that i hope to achieve. but i wasn't the least bit happy. the issue with my parents has more or less been resolved. both mum and dad had come to terms with my decision. on my side, i'm gonna be kept busy with work at nokia for the next month. i have a permanent job pending to start in january. guess life's gonna take a different approach from now on. as for him, i'd gotten what i wanna hear from him last night and i'd straighten out my thoughts. things are gonna remain the same, if they could. besides clubbing, there're gonna be other occassions when it comes to work where we're gonna meet. gonna be hard if the friendship is strained. gonna take things as they come. i'm tired. really tired. mentally strained. not gonna drown myself in misery anymore. had dinner with susan last thursday after her last paper. really glad that exams are finally over for the NTU people. at least we wouldn't have that much problems finding mahjong kakis. *grins* had our 1st mahjong session at adrian's place after 3 whole months of "leave". adrian, jeffery, susan and me. played all the way till 5 plus in the morning. had our usual fun and laughter during the game. realised how much i miss playing mahjong with them. met up with janice, peiling and her boi on friday. dinner at sakae followed by dessert at maestro bistro. they've got lovely chocolate fondue which inspired us to create our very own. *laughs* had a great time taking pictures and catching up. gonna try as much as possible to revert my life back to what it used to be. 2005 had been a pretty bad year. at least for me. sometimes i really wish i had never met him. but certainly, knowing him had been quite an experience. thanks for all that you've done. really appreciate it. life at NTU took a turn for the worse and i finally made the choice. relations at home had been strained. glad that things are more back on track now. guess it's time for me to settle down.

these few weeks have been really bad. i'm probably juz lousy at managing my own life. sorry to all those around me who are affected, especially someone whom you know who you are. never thought it would affect u as much as it did. never thought i could be such a hindrance to your life. it's time i put a full stop to all these nonsense. i guess i'm pretty self-centred. at times, i juz think for myself and never tried to put myself in others' position. maybe it's really hard to accomodate me. sorry to have caused so much inconvenience and trouble. but i really can't help it. why izzit so hard to forget someone, to put someone down. or izzit true that i juz yearn for something that i can't have? maybe the fact that i've not been able to get what i want makes me more determined to get it? he asked, what's so good about him? i have no idea. maybe it's not about him. it's juz me. or maybe it's juz him. juz so him to help a friend in need and juz so him to be there for a friend as much as he could. sometimes, i believe that i've brought all these unhappiness upon myself. life would juz have been much more peaceful if things had remain as they were after the incident. it's easy to forgive but i can never forget. the anger, the hatred, the me that has completely given up. i wonder why and how did i land myself in such a situation once again. why didn't i juz keep things as they were? life would probably be much much better now if i had kept to what i said. hafta listen more to my head than my heart from now on.

The Aftermath

bad news travel fast. not long after my previous post, i actually received a number of calls and smses. few of those caught me by surprise. nevertheless, thanks for all your concern and advice. really appreciate them. guess i'm a little selfish in a way, but i need the break, otherwise, i'm gonna be the one who breaks. i understand my parents are gonna be so heartbroken to hear this and i'm not only letting them down, myself too. i would have chosen a different path if i could. if i have the confidence, courage and ablility to carry on, i would. sad to say, i don't. till now, i've not thought of a good way, or rather, the best way to break the news to them. i juz wish there is some way of lessening the pain and hurt i'm gonna cause. trust me, i did not rush into making this decision. i've gone through lots of consideration before reaching such a conclusion. it's all too late if you try to convince me to change my mind now. juz praying hard and keeping my fingers crossed that things can go on as planned. the past 10 months of this year has been kinda lousy for me, hope the next 2 months wouldn't get any worse.

Painful Decision

time i do something about this issue. been dragging for too long and it becomes pointless. it's not the 1st time i reach this juncture, the only difference is that i'm determined to carry out my decision this time. i know this is gonna hurt my parents. much as i feel the deep sense of guilt, i know i can't run away from this problem anymore. i've wasted more than enough time and money. this can't go on. the road ahead isn't gonna be easy, but i'll make the best out of the situation. gonna take a break and at the same time, decide and plan for my future. been complaining that i feel detached from hall. but now that i really gotta leave this place, i can't bear to part with my 2nd home. coming back here brings back lots of memories. the silly and crazy things we do. trust me, life's so not gonna be the same if i hadn't stayed in hall. hate to say goodbye in this manner, but i don't really have much of a choice. realised that i have alot of things in here and i have no idea where to start packing from. guess it's my way of delaying the moving out process. pretty excited but at the same time, worried about what's gonna happen to me. i've never taken a path out of the norm since young. never had to worry about studies. but it's a total different story now. i will survive. i hope.

do i miss being in a relationship? or do i juz need someone to be there for me? *shrug* i have no answers to that too. woke up this afternoon feeling really sad. i wonder why. maybe i have the reason but i'm juz refusing to admit it. even to myself. it's juz the silly me at work again i guess. every other minute that i'm not doing anything, my mind juz decides to remind me of certain issues and people. *sigh* exams round the corner and i'm totally not prepared for it. better start mugging soon. the past week or so seems to be a period for catching up with friends. met up with sebastian last tuesday in town. gosh! realised how much i miss wednesday's mambo with him and the rest. looking forward to the 26th October. *winks* was finally back in hall on friday. had dinner at jurong point's swensens with susan and joo. miss hall life with friends. close friends. friends whom i can relate to seems so little. or izzit me who's been isolating myself? *shrug* was out in town having dinner with shirleen and hazel earlier in the evening. reminiscing the past. how i wish i could turn back time. guess secondary school life was the most memorable for me. meeting up with the girls did make me feel better. though it was juz a simple dinner and small talks. love you darlings. wonder why but the longer i'm kept awake and not occupied, the more upset i get. it's not so much of that issue i guess. it's more of what someone said to me last night. i'm pretty affected and am still in the midst of digesting what he said. i'm juz being plain dumb and silly. guess i know perfectly what all these are leading to and yet i'm not putting a stop to it. why? maybe it's all retribution. what he's putting me through is what i'm putting others through. 5 letters for myself B-I-T-C-H.

been asking myself a question: what made me start this blog? my guess is him. not the HIM that i've been posting recently but someone who has a special place in my heart. it began with entries of my feelings and emotions, usually negative. probably an outlet for me to express my unhappiness. moved on to post about my everyday life, letting friends who care keep track of how i've been doing. however, i'm beginning to feel that my privacy is being intruded in a way. *shrug* should have guessed that this would happen but i juz somehow feel uneasy about the intrusion. really wish i could blog more. especially during times like now. life's been a dread. things got to a point where there were too much for me to handle. but i'm slowly recovering. i really hope i do. thanks to daniel and ziwei for being there. it's not that easy to be my sister and part-time boyfriend. *grins* to gracie and shirleen: update more when we meet up. no worries about me, i'm doing fine at the moment. luck has been really down. wonder if my lucky star is slacking juz like me. been on a losing streak at mahjong for the past 2 weeks. not to mention that i've been extremely injury prone too. the worst being the incident this morning on my way back to hall from school. wonder if it's the lack of sleep or i'm juz plain clumsy or izzit that i'm getting too heavy for my poor legs to carry. my knees gave way and i landed on the road. as a result of the fall, my jeans has got a hole and both my knees are scarred. been a long time since i had such a bad fall. makes me wonder what's coming up next. life's in a mess and to make things worse, i'm not able to find comfort at home. feeling guilty for staying out late all the time but i juz din want to be alone and let my mind start wandering. neither do i want my parents to start worrying for me. someone once told me that i'm being too hard on myself at times, resulting in all these upsets. am i?