juz wanna be myself. be the ger i was a long time ago. i've changed since. wonder what made me the person i am today. environment, social circle or izzit juz me? it's really scary. sometimes i can't even recognise myself. though i wasn't even close to perfection, i was happy. that's the very basic thing in life that i hope to achieve. but i wasn't the least bit happy. the issue with my parents has more or less been resolved. both mum and dad had come to terms with my decision. on my side, i'm gonna be kept busy with work at nokia for the next month. i have a permanent job pending to start in january. guess life's gonna take a different approach from now on. as for him, i'd gotten what i wanna hear from him last night and i'd straighten out my thoughts. things are gonna remain the same, if they could. besides clubbing, there're gonna be other occassions when it comes to work where we're gonna meet. gonna be hard if the friendship is strained. gonna take things as they come. i'm tired. really tired. mentally strained. not gonna drown myself in misery anymore. had dinner with susan last thursday after her last paper. really glad that exams are finally over for the NTU people. at least we wouldn't have that much problems finding mahjong kakis. *grins* had our 1st mahjong session at adrian's place after 3 whole months of "leave". adrian, jeffery, susan and me. played all the way till 5 plus in the morning. had our usual fun and laughter during the game. realised how much i miss playing mahjong with them. met up with janice, peiling and her boi on friday. dinner at sakae followed by dessert at maestro bistro. they've got lovely chocolate fondue which inspired us to create our very own. *laughs* had a great time taking pictures and catching up. gonna try as much as possible to revert my life back to what it used to be. 2005 had been a pretty bad year. at least for me. sometimes i really wish i had never met him. but certainly, knowing him had been quite an experience. thanks for all that you've done. really appreciate it. life at NTU took a turn for the worse and i finally made the choice. relations at home had been strained. glad that things are more back on track now. guess it's time for me to settle down.

these few weeks have been really bad. i'm probably juz lousy at managing my own life. sorry to all those around me who are affected, especially someone whom you know who you are. never thought it would affect u as much as it did. never thought i could be such a hindrance to your life. it's time i put a full stop to all these nonsense. i guess i'm pretty self-centred. at times, i juz think for myself and never tried to put myself in others' position. maybe it's really hard to accomodate me. sorry to have caused so much inconvenience and trouble. but i really can't help it. why izzit so hard to forget someone, to put someone down. or izzit true that i juz yearn for something that i can't have? maybe the fact that i've not been able to get what i want makes me more determined to get it? he asked, what's so good about him? i have no idea. maybe it's not about him. it's juz me. or maybe it's juz him. juz so him to help a friend in need and juz so him to be there for a friend as much as he could. sometimes, i believe that i've brought all these unhappiness upon myself. life would juz have been much more peaceful if things had remain as they were after the incident. it's easy to forgive but i can never forget. the anger, the hatred, the me that has completely given up. i wonder why and how did i land myself in such a situation once again. why didn't i juz keep things as they were? life would probably be much much better now if i had kept to what i said. hafta listen more to my head than my heart from now on.

The Aftermath

bad news travel fast. not long after my previous post, i actually received a number of calls and smses. few of those caught me by surprise. nevertheless, thanks for all your concern and advice. really appreciate them. guess i'm a little selfish in a way, but i need the break, otherwise, i'm gonna be the one who breaks. i understand my parents are gonna be so heartbroken to hear this and i'm not only letting them down, myself too. i would have chosen a different path if i could. if i have the confidence, courage and ablility to carry on, i would. sad to say, i don't. till now, i've not thought of a good way, or rather, the best way to break the news to them. i juz wish there is some way of lessening the pain and hurt i'm gonna cause. trust me, i did not rush into making this decision. i've gone through lots of consideration before reaching such a conclusion. it's all too late if you try to convince me to change my mind now. juz praying hard and keeping my fingers crossed that things can go on as planned. the past 10 months of this year has been kinda lousy for me, hope the next 2 months wouldn't get any worse.

Painful Decision

time i do something about this issue. been dragging for too long and it becomes pointless. it's not the 1st time i reach this juncture, the only difference is that i'm determined to carry out my decision this time. i know this is gonna hurt my parents. much as i feel the deep sense of guilt, i know i can't run away from this problem anymore. i've wasted more than enough time and money. this can't go on. the road ahead isn't gonna be easy, but i'll make the best out of the situation. gonna take a break and at the same time, decide and plan for my future. been complaining that i feel detached from hall. but now that i really gotta leave this place, i can't bear to part with my 2nd home. coming back here brings back lots of memories. the silly and crazy things we do. trust me, life's so not gonna be the same if i hadn't stayed in hall. hate to say goodbye in this manner, but i don't really have much of a choice. realised that i have alot of things in here and i have no idea where to start packing from. guess it's my way of delaying the moving out process. pretty excited but at the same time, worried about what's gonna happen to me. i've never taken a path out of the norm since young. never had to worry about studies. but it's a total different story now. i will survive. i hope.

do i miss being in a relationship? or do i juz need someone to be there for me? *shrug* i have no answers to that too. woke up this afternoon feeling really sad. i wonder why. maybe i have the reason but i'm juz refusing to admit it. even to myself. it's juz the silly me at work again i guess. every other minute that i'm not doing anything, my mind juz decides to remind me of certain issues and people. *sigh* exams round the corner and i'm totally not prepared for it. better start mugging soon. the past week or so seems to be a period for catching up with friends. met up with sebastian last tuesday in town. gosh! realised how much i miss wednesday's mambo with him and the rest. looking forward to the 26th October. *winks* was finally back in hall on friday. had dinner at jurong point's swensens with susan and joo. miss hall life with friends. close friends. friends whom i can relate to seems so little. or izzit me who's been isolating myself? *shrug* was out in town having dinner with shirleen and hazel earlier in the evening. reminiscing the past. how i wish i could turn back time. guess secondary school life was the most memorable for me. meeting up with the girls did make me feel better. though it was juz a simple dinner and small talks. love you darlings. wonder why but the longer i'm kept awake and not occupied, the more upset i get. it's not so much of that issue i guess. it's more of what someone said to me last night. i'm pretty affected and am still in the midst of digesting what he said. i'm juz being plain dumb and silly. guess i know perfectly what all these are leading to and yet i'm not putting a stop to it. why? maybe it's all retribution. what he's putting me through is what i'm putting others through. 5 letters for myself B-I-T-C-H.

been asking myself a question: what made me start this blog? my guess is him. not the HIM that i've been posting recently but someone who has a special place in my heart. it began with entries of my feelings and emotions, usually negative. probably an outlet for me to express my unhappiness. moved on to post about my everyday life, letting friends who care keep track of how i've been doing. however, i'm beginning to feel that my privacy is being intruded in a way. *shrug* should have guessed that this would happen but i juz somehow feel uneasy about the intrusion. really wish i could blog more. especially during times like now. life's been a dread. things got to a point where there were too much for me to handle. but i'm slowly recovering. i really hope i do. thanks to daniel and ziwei for being there. it's not that easy to be my sister and part-time boyfriend. *grins* to gracie and shirleen: update more when we meet up. no worries about me, i'm doing fine at the moment. luck has been really down. wonder if my lucky star is slacking juz like me. been on a losing streak at mahjong for the past 2 weeks. not to mention that i've been extremely injury prone too. the worst being the incident this morning on my way back to hall from school. wonder if it's the lack of sleep or i'm juz plain clumsy or izzit that i'm getting too heavy for my poor legs to carry. my knees gave way and i landed on the road. as a result of the fall, my jeans has got a hole and both my knees are scarred. been a long time since i had such a bad fall. makes me wonder what's coming up next. life's in a mess and to make things worse, i'm not able to find comfort at home. feeling guilty for staying out late all the time but i juz din want to be alone and let my mind start wandering. neither do i want my parents to start worrying for me. someone once told me that i'm being too hard on myself at times, resulting in all these upsets. am i?

decided to blog a little while waiting for daniel to finish his phone call. playing mahjong at ziwei's house and guess what? he's actually sleeping. well, can really understand. working makes one extremely tired, at least for me. haven't been working for the past two days and i'm beginning to miss the place already. maybe it's coz my hall's production isn't going very well and i wonder why. ticket sales are kinda bad and morale is low. *sigh* what to do when even the JCRC is not really keen at supporting the event. why am i not surprised? pardon me. in the mood to complain tonight. it's the time of the year again. pretty consoled by the fact that many of the alumni are gonna turn up compared to the previous years. daniel's back. shall continue with my ranting later.

5th year into my university life. the feeling of having all my peers graduated with a stable job and i've yet to achieve anything in life juz sux. happy yet not happy. sad yet not upset. *laughs* don't bother if you are not getting it. i don't make any sense at times. back to the topic of production. tomorrow's the 1st show and less than half the seats were sold. no one except the producer seems to be affected by sales. shouldn't everyone hope to see full house? it makes me wonder why they were in the team in the 1st place. whatever it is, i hope all's gonna go well tomorrow. 1st musical production for the hall. original script and composition. plus i'm not the lead. *grins* MISE EN SCENE 2005 --- MISSING ROMEO

1st of all, apologies to those who have been faithfully reading my blog. been too caught up with everything except studies to update. *sigh* i'm currently attached to nokia as a part-time promoter. latest event is the starlight cinema held at the padang from the 15th to the 25th. do drop by for a visit if you happen to be in the area. wonder why but i'm beginning to love my job. maybe it's the nature of the job or it may be the money factor that keeps me going. *shrug* tiring but i'm actually looking forward to work. sounds strange ya? it's so unlike of me. juz back from supper with daniel at 179. had a 2 hours long conversation with him. been a long time since both of us had a good chat. feeling much better after letting everything out. sister, cheer up ya. at least things are starting to turn for the better. hope to hear more good news from you. *smiles* though i'm kinda full from the food i had, couldn't resist ling's offer of raffles hotel mooncake. there's only one word to describe --- heaven. i'm craving for more! it'll be a great idea if i could get some before heading to work later in the evening. *grins* recess week is over in a blink of the eye. supposed to start on my revision but as usual, i couldn't keep to my schedule. i had better start real soon if i don't wanna history to repeat. beginning to feel the tension a little. life seems to be pretty aimless and i'm juz not in the mood for anything. passing each and every single day without a goal in life. seriously, i myself do not know what i really want at this point in time. feeling kinda detached from hall, losing the sense of belonging. everything and everyone seems so unfamiliar. signs of aging probably. guess it's only a matter of time that i'll move back home. hall production is due at the end of the week. it's gonna be my last show for the hall i guess. contact me if you're interested to come for the play ya.

*sigh* did i catch the flu bug? or izzit my wisdom tooth that's giving me trouble? poor me. *pats* sometimes i juz love to indulge in self-pity. perhaps it would be better if there's someone else, someone special to comfort me. had a mahjong session with susan, eddie and haiyuan. *grins* 1 round of mahjong makes catherine a happier girl. wondering if i should catch some beauty sleep or should i finish my work 1st. gotta be at nokia headquarters at 10 to collect new phone --- N90. kinda excited. *smiles* looks like an interesting phone though it's a little bulky. gonna be working this weekend but i'll still be available in the night. *winks* music was good on wednesday but i wasn't really enjoying. couldn't spell out exactly what was bothering me. was it HIM? or was it him? in case you're wondering, especially jze wee, i've put an end to my so-called 'wonderful' situation. *shrug* there was a dear price to pay for that. glad to have people like jerry who will brighten up my night somehow. hanged out at shell with the usual group of people till dawn. exchanged jokes and riddles. most of which were pretty lame. but i hafta admit that it kinda made me felt better. i'm probably at the point of time when i do a lot of thinking. feeling a little morbid yet again. too much emotions that i don't wish to pen down. if only life could be simpler and happier.

*Bizzare Love Triangle*

Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bow of gloom
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like nobody should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

yOur Love prOfile Your positive traits: Your lively, outgoing attitude attracts people to you everywhere you go. You can talk your way into - and out of - any situation you desire. You're adaptable enough to flirt with anyone - and people tend to fight over you. Your negative traits: You get easily bored in relationships, and tend to jump from person to person. You tend to be a bit of a player - and have a high tolerance for drama in relationships. Not the most emphathetic person, you tend to tell lovers to "get over" their problems. Your ideal partner: Is intelligent and quick witted enough to keep you interested. Is a bit of a shape shifter, providing you with the variety you crave. An open minded person, who's willling to have a non-traditional relationship. Your dating style: Exciting. If your date shows you a new experience (like Egyptian food or scuba diving), you're very happy. Your seduction style: Experimental: it's rare that you try the same thing twice. Ultra kinky - you do stuff that's not even in books yet. Hot and cold... sometimes you're just not into the whole sex thing. Tips for the future: Settle down a little. Sometimes good things come with time - so don't let people go so fast. Acknowledge that you're a player and flirt. If your mate can't live with this, find someone who can. Give your partner a little more attention. You don't have to be a social butterfly all the time. Best color to attract mate: Sunny yellow Best day for a date: Wednesday

Get your free love profile at Blogthings.

Part Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

Part Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

*grins* i'm really bored to be completing the not so accurate and dumb quizzes. well, at least they're keeping me entertained in the midst of a boring lab. everyone else in the lab except me seems to be busy and i wonder why.

it's hard to deny that age is catching up on me. played inter-house netball on friday and realised that i don't have stamina nor agility anymore. *sobs* how am i gonna run marathon? seriously, i'm contemplating to give up the idea already. should i or should i not? it's my dream to complete the full marathon. *shrug* will i have a dream come true? it was a happy evening though. 1stly, no quarrels over the game. that's a record ya. 2ndly... shall keep it a secret. *bleah* left right after the game to meet up with the mambo chummies. of course i did showered 1st before heading down to bishan, ziwei's place. what else can we be up to? it has to be mahjong! played with ziwei, huiqing and mitchelle at the beginning, while danny and zhikai kept themselves entertained. when ken arrived after work, another table was set up with ken, mitchelle and zhikai playing "san jiao" and danny joined the original table. played 3 rounds and guess what? i finally won ziwei at mahjong! *grins* he claims to have been distracted by his infected eyes and could only see half of the tiles. a win is a win. no issue about it. *bleah* left the place at 7 plus and everyone (minus ziwei who had to rest his eyes for an important date later in the day) went to a nearby coffeshop for breakfast. after which was home.

gracie picked me up for lunch at 3 plus on saturday afternoon. settled for sushi tei at serangoon gardens. in order to fully utilise her card and voucher, we stuffed ourselves with food hoping to achieve a total bill of $45. to our dismay, we were $5 short. *pouts* nevertheless, lunch was good. so were the small talks and exchange of gossips. did i say i was full? *laughs* went chomp chomp to get dessert as the heat was really killing me. good excuse eh. supposed to play mahjong with adrian in the evening but was cancelled yet again. decided that it was a homely day till my phone rang at 10. gonna meet up with allan, mitchelle and ziwei at double o. reached the place slightly past 12. said 'hi' to sebastian and left at around 2. guess i wasn't in the mood to club. ziwei didn't turn up. *grins* muz have been too upset after his not-up-to-expectation date. thanks to ken who drove down to fetch me and mitchelle for supper at east coast's macdonalds! my favourite yummy twister fries! that's not complete though. picked up a few bars of chocolate at 7-eleven. found a new product of cadbury. if i remember correctly, it's called 'boost'. quite nice. think that's gonna be my new craze.

suffered from monday blues. got up at 8 for my lab at 830. it's amazing that i actually managed to wakey. a pretty relaxed lab with internet access. spent the whole 2 hours checking mail, sending mail and surfing. *smiles* reached back hall at 10 plus and fell asleep. wanted to juz take a short nap. shocked to realise that it was already 530 when i got up. took a quick shower and headed for dinner in town with gracie and shirleen. sushi tei at millennia this time. was a short dinner date which we updated on each others' lives. happy to see them, made me felt better in a way. why wasn't i feeling good in the 1st place? *shrug* came back to hall and rotted till now. supposed to be doing revision, but i juz couldn't concentrate. can't believe that i hafta put up with 2 nonsensical guys at this hour. chatting on msn with ziwei and ken. they're practically changing every possible word to start with the letter 'J'. help!

still have not reach a decision on what to do. *sigh* i'm so indecisive! on one hand, i'm really afraid of the consequences. getting hurt and all. more importantly, i found out that he's already got someone in mind. on the other hand, i'm not the kind who will give up easily on such stuff. what am i to do?

feeling totally stupid and embarrassed. why? guess i shan't elaborate further to make myself look sillier. if you know the reason. good for you. if not, juz too bad. can try giving me a ring to know the details, but no guarantees i would tell you. to date, the only persons who know are probably daniel and jze wee plus the person himself. in the case of any other person(s) who gets to know about this, the 2 of you will hafta take the blame. *bleah* anyway, thanks daniel for driving from yishun down to NTU. know it's been a long journey but the 'reward' you've gotten in return is more than enough to cover for your effort and petrol. please stop laughing at me. it's not that funny. *pouts* thanks jze wee for the analysis. i'll take into consideration. guys are sometimes more complex and more difficult to understand than girls. *sigh* was kinda confused earlier. now it seems like i've gotten myself into a bigger confusion. what should i do? seriously, i don't wish free myself from a trap and walk straight into another.

Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have strong opinions and make decisions, you never make them without thinking first of not only everything that is, but those that may not be as well. People trust that you'll willingly hear them out and understand when they tell you something, and you are well-liked for it. You are often the mediator in disputes and your desire to do what is right overcomes all else. You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul's Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

why am i blogging at this hour? *grins* juz finish a round of mahjong with ziwei, danny, huiqing, ken and mitchelle. ziwei and ken shared one, danny and mitchelle shared the other. were mass chatting on msn when we decided to meet for supper followed by mahjong. been quite a while since i played coz adrian's gone missing. wonder why. back to the session with the mambo clique. the most sought after tile of the night was "hong zhong". it seems like no one was fated to "pong" the tile for the whole night. as soon as ziwei sat down, i knew things aren't gonna be good for me. 1stly, i'm he's "xia jia". *groans* 2ndly, he's one person who has never lost money when we played at the same table (at least not to me!). guess my intuition was pretty accurate. he "zi mo" 5 folds the very 1st round but that wasn't the highlight. the best one was the last round when he decided to give up his "cou ping" and "dan diao hong zhong"! and guess what?!? i was waiting for that same tile too! hence my happiness did not last when huiqing hit the tile out. juz couldn't believe he will do such a thing. on 2nd thoughts, should have guessed that this guy is always up to no good. *bleah* nevertheless, had a great time.

since i'm at the topic of mahjong, i shall share my list of top 3 most undesirable "shang jia".

1. who else but JEFFERY HOO! he's one guy that i believe i'm not fated to take his tiles. guess it's juz me. others (excluding adrian) don't really have this problem with him. sometimes i wish he would be nicer to me though i've mastered the skill of being independent. however, hafta be really careful when he starts throwing nice tiles for me.
   
2. RYAN XIE. someone that i admire in terms of mahjong skill. he's truly amazing plus his luck is good. he seems to be able to read people's mind and see through their tiles. hafta be pretty alert when playing with him. it gets kinda tiring to be defending all the time.
   
3. TAY JZE WEE. he has to be on the list. guess it's not so much of being my "shang jia", but more of his style of playing. it's really hard to decipher what he's thinking. one caution: NEVER believe his words, especially him. he's one cunning guy.

mahjong mahjong mahjong. when am i gonna play again? hands itching le. in the meantime, i better go catch up on my sleep for tonight's mambo! 4 more to go before zouk closes for renovation. good night!

19August2005 - Grand Plaza Park Royal
my 4th Dinner & Dance in Hall 13, a memorable and successful event in my opinion. cheerios to the committee. *smiles* for your information, i'm not officially in the committee, juz lending a hand. been busy the past week helping out with the pageant rehearsals. hafta commend that you (who else? pageant finalists!) look really great on stage and perfomed well. this is probably one of the D&Ds in NTU that i really enjoyed despite having to run around to coordinate the programme. it was a night of cute guys and pretty girls (of course that includes me! *laughs*) took pictures, not many though. i'm happy with what i have. posted part of my collection, a few of my favourites. some of the graduates turned up for the dinner, while some others dropped by. happy to see the ever so familiar faces even if it's only for a short while. wanted to take picture with quanrong but he disappeared as fast as he appeared. *pouts* you owe me one wor!

for the sake of those who actually bothered to read my msn nick and asked, this section is specially written for you. i've decided that it's been a really long time. guess i need to move on with life, really move on. been pondering over this issue for quite a while. no point in rushing into things but taking it slow doesn't seem to get anywhere. since there's a chance, why not treasure it and give it a shot? it's a big step and i'm afraid too. hope this is not gonna be another mistake or regret. will it? *shrug* wish me luck ya. if you're still not getting it after reading the above, all i can say is wait for my next update. *winks*

been really busy for the past few days and i wonder why. gonna be kept busy till the end of the week at the very least i suppose.

decided to miss my lab on friday and slept all the way till 1 in the afternoon. *grins* haven't been sleeping enough and well so i guess it's a deserved rest. showered and asked susan if she wanted to accompany me to the medical centre and then to lunch (that's probably the main motive). was happily discussing about prata with the doctor (he shan't be named) as the cause of my 'diarrhoea' was probably due to previous night's supper. he asked if i missed anything in the morning and gave me an MC at no cost for my lab! *winks* headed to canteen B to get some snacks before we went to popular to check out susan's maths text. she decided that it's too heavy to be carried around and we walked out to the nearby neighbourhood for lunch. our 1st stop was the coffee shop opposite city harvest. teh ice for susan and sprite ice for me. no kosong and hence we moved on to our next stop --- pioneer mall! had 2 servings of dessert as usual as i couldn't decide what i prefer. it's a hot day anyway (what an excuse!). did grocery shopping at the not so giant Giant. gonna have supper in hall tonight. *smiles* took a cab back and went to help out with the pageant rehearsal. the event company people were pretty fun and coach luke's pretty cute too. that's besides the point. the pageant boys and girls seem uncomfortable with everything. guess it's the 1st time they're doing it. rehearsal ended at 11 and we (jeffery, susan and i) started our supper session at yummy kitchen. had instant mee goreng, campbell's cream of mushroom with roasted garlic, toasted bread and cheese omelette. it was a satisfying meal.

travelled back home late saturday morning and spent the rest of the day dozing off in front of the tv. made my way to meet susan and joo at newton for the CS production in the evening. pretty interesting though the last story was kinda too chim for me. during the intermission, the 3 of us visited the nearest 7-eleven which was a bus stop away to get some food to fill our stomach. result of not having dinner. tsk tsk! that's not the end though. went newton circus for supper after the play. *grins* ordered 2 plates of carrot cake (1 black and the other white), 1 oyster omelette (which i can't eat), 1 sting ray (which isn't in my menu either) and 1 sugar cane juice with lemon for each of us. felt really bloated after the sumptous meal. shared a cab with joo and she dropped me at double o before heading home. double o was alright. daniel, ziwei, allan, mitchelle, huiqing, rasheed, jena and jebastian! the poor boy was drunk and got caught by us when he was puking outside double o. how unfortunate! bowen was drunk too and the rest of the night was spent laughing at his sillyness. hafta admit that i'm pretty judgemental. it's hard to change my opinion on certain issues and i guess it's gonna stay this way. hanged out at the nearby 7-eleven for some drinks before we went our separate ways. thanks ziwei for driving me back. realised that we both know quite a bit of the 'stories'. but i believe they prefer to confide in you more. *smiles*

skipped production rehearsal on sunday. i'm sorry people but i juz simply couldn't bear to leave the bed. it was a quiet day at home. mum and dad have been busy with the religious group activities for the past few sundays. hardly get to see them over the weekend. guess it's partly my fault coz i always stay out late on saturdays. can't believe that i did what i did (details are intentionally left out). feel kinda guilty for making mummy travel all the way back home for me. wonder why i'm always feeling so homesick whenever i'm in hall nowadays. *sigh* decided to be late for pageant rehearsal to spend more time at home with mum. reached back hall at 9 and stayed with the pageant people till 12. the contestants seem to be doing much better than on friday. glad that everything's going smoothly. hope this friday's Dinner & Dance would be a success!

monday was horrible. horribly hot too! went to the school's printing shop to get the balloting paper done. since it was going to take half an hour, i decided to look for kevin (my tutor). he called me up for a so-called interview in week 2. it's week 4 now and i haven't gone to see him yet. walked all the way to his office at the end of the finger only to find that he was already engaged in a conversation with another student. was told to be back at 230. my watch read 2pm and so i headed to the library. time passed real fast (or did walking around the campus waste a bit too much of my time? *shrug*) and i left the library at 225 to collect my stuff after which i made my way back to kevin's office. met my JC crush (till now i still can't remember his name) at the corridor and realised that he had an appointment with kevin at 230 with regards to his FYP. the visitor in kevin's office was still around. i suppose it wasn't a good day to have the meeting and headed back to hall. 5th JCRC rally was on for the night. certain nominees changed my impression of them for the better, some proved to be what i expected of them and others juz couldn't be worse. kinda disappointed. the verdict's gonna be out soon. wish them luck. save some of it for me though. gonna be a long night.

(if the words below turn out gibberish, please switch to unicode)

*天空*

听着自己的心跳 没有规则的跳跃
我安静的在思考 并不想被谁打扰
失去了你的拥抱 寂寞再一旁嘲笑
他笑我无处可逃 我变的好渺小

时间分割成对角 停止你对我的好
瓦解我们的依靠

在你离开之后的天空 不曾在有晴朗的梦
雨后的天空 是否在有放晴后的笑容
我静静的望着天空 试着寻找遗留的彩虹
哭过的面容 期待着久违出现的笑容

why isn't there summer rain last night? *sobs* been looking forward to wednesday since god knows when. life's been busy and mambo is the only highlight. school juz started and tutorials plus labs are piling up already. kinda glad that i'm not running for JCRC anymore as i get to have more time for myself. but on the other hand, i'm a little disappointed at how things are going. *shrug* crossing my fingers and praying for the better. back to last night. music wasn't good (coz don't have my favourite SUMMER RAIN!) and it was pretty crowded. poor ken was down shortly after 12 midnight. don't blame me. i juz treated you what we agreed on.*grins* was a pretty dull night, nothing special, interesting or exciting. guess the only happy thing was seeing HIM. probably one of the reasons that draws me to zouk every wednesday. the guys and i stayed till the very end, hoping for summer rain to be spinned only to be disappointed. went off to shell where we chatted, joked and laughed till it was time to go home. ziwei suggested a whole lot of names starting with "J" for sebastian. names like jony blair, bill jlinton. it was really funny. but i still think he should stick to jebastian. *laughs* poor jo had his car keys taken away and he had a hard time finding it. serves me right for laughing at his misfortune coz poor me had my handphone "stolen" twice! always targeting my handphone and i wonder why. maybe the problem lies in me. *sulks* it was sebastian's "last" mambo. wonder when we will get to meet at zouk again. hope we don't hafta wait too long. so gonna miss you! muz remember to miss me too ya?

so much for wanting to rest early. it's all worth it though. to sacrifice my precious sleeping time for a great show like this. haven seen such action in hall for a long time. ever since the old ones moved out i guess. still remember how i was stuffed into the big blue rubbish bin (can be easily found along the corridors of our hall), pushed under the shower and came out drenched. that's juz one of the many crazy pranks that we used to play on each other. tonight, birthday boy, weihuang was thrown into the pond twice. we seldom have a male senior being victimised by the freshies. *laughs* perhaps they got the hang of everything and decided to play catching in hall. all the commotion caught my attention and i decided to join the rest of the girls at the corridor to see what they are up to. wonder why but one of the freshies, shaun was targettted next. they threw his boots out of the 2nd level that he was staying onto the small field at the center of the block. resorted to pouring water into his room and he finally decided to surrender. the poor boy was stripped. yes! stripped right in front of the female seniors at level 7. *grins* thought they would call it a night. enough of entertainment for me. but that's not the end. they decided to look for weihuang, who had went into his room and locked the door by then. they threatened to pour dynamo into his shoes and flood his room. the unlucky senior had no choice but to come out and receive the treatment. didn't get to see where they poured the full cup of dynamo but i guess it went into his shorts. *evil laughter* it's good to see that 64 is coming back to life again, reminds me of the good old times.

strange things have been happening in hall since i moved in but i chose not to brood over them most of the time. encountered yet another incident on friday night. was trying to get mitchelle on my handphone but the line was engaged. bad reception, i was thinking to myself. i re-dialled her number and got the same response. peeped at the screen of my dear nokia 7270 and it showed that the line was still connecting. held the phone to my ear and i could still hear "tu-tu-tu". hung up immediately and tried to make the call again. wanted to get susan, who was beside me all these while, to confirm my hearing. this time the line got through. it's unbelievable. what a way to start the 7th month. *shivers* deemed it to be a case of lousy network anyway. wonder how i managed to convince myself to carry on walking all the way to hall 8 on my own, especially after what happened. well, guess it was the power of mahjong. *laughs* spent the night in danny's room playing mahjong with him, mitchelle and zhikai. haven't been back there since i moved out 3 years ago. flashes of memories came back to me throughout the night, the happy ones of course. sometimes i juz wonder how life would be if i had continued staying there. *shrug* played 2 rounds of mahjong till 7 in the morning. came back to hall, took a shower and headed home. realised how much i missed home, that includes mummy and daddy. so happy to be home after a long week in hall. home sweet home. tried to get mahjong kakis for the night but failed. ended up going double o with the guys. been a long time since i clubbed there. probably 3 weeks or more. felt kinda out of place initially but the feeling did not stay. many familiar people were there. didn't really enjoy myself though. maybe i was too tired. maybe the music wasn't good. maybe the uninteresting crowd bored me. i have no idea. left the place pretty early to have supper at newton. daniel was probably the one who started it. we started to take candid shots of each other. at one point of time, all of us were juz holding our handphones waiting to snap a picture of someone else looking silly. we were simply crazy but i have to admit that i had a good time laughing. headed home at 4 plus and slept till 1230 when i was woken up by a call. *shucks* my day was made better upon seeing quanrong's sms during lunch. *smiles* it's been some time since i got a message from him. glad i wasn't forgotten. slipped in and out of dreamland while watching tv in the afternoon. been a tiring week. had dinner with my parents at home. home-cooked food is always the best. *yum yum* caught the 7pm show on channel 8 before heading back hall. it's gonna be another dreadful week. lab at 830 tomorrow morning. gonna turn in soon. don't wanna miss the 1st lab. good night!

great night with great music at zouk. *smiles* many thanks to sebastian who dropped me back in hall. thanks to allan for picking me up too. feeling really tired now but juz wanna blog. my legs are aching from the non-stop dancing from 11 till 3 plus. not exactly non-stop but almost. *grins* only got to say hi and bye to jerry. that was how good the music was. kinda packed tonight but the crowd was not bad (minus the few irritating ones). wonder why but everyone in the clique seem to not be in their usual self or to put it simply ---> crazy. the podium was crowded. was running around the small area for the earlier part of the night to get a spot where i wouldn't be squeezed. found a nice place to settle myself in for the rest of the night eventually (not gonna tell you where *laughs*). HE was one of the reason that made my night. HE always does i guess. it's hard but i'm slowly forcing myself out of this dream that HE'll one day come back to me. reality hurts. HIM aside. the guys were really crazy. did all sorts of funny things. but still i enjoyed their company. great entertainment provided by sebastian. *winks* been a long time since everyone is present. well, maybe i was the one who has been isolating myself. wonder what will happen after next week. looking forward to the next mambo already. it's weird but kinda started talking to someone. felt guilty after last week's sms i guess. wonder if it's juz me or the feeling's mutual. there was this awkwardness. uhm.. juz take things as they come. anyway, thanks guys for the happy night. it wouldn't have been so enjoyable without your presence.

i called and HE actually answered! *smiles* what a pleasant surprise! for the past hour or so, i was on the phone with HIM ---> 58 minutes and 14 seconds to be exact. feeling a little better but not much. muz give HIM the credit, otherwise HE's not gonna be my uncle agony the next time round. *laughs* guess i'm juz happy to hear HIS voice and to be able to have a proper conversation with HIM once again. maybe HE's right about me being too stressed up by everything that's on going. the semester juz started but i need a break. what exactly is bothering me? family? school? HIM? or izzit everything? when HE asked what's wrong, i couldn't say. not that i don't want to but i dunno how and where to start. glad i found some comfort after the talk though i'm still at a loss. thanks for spending the time on me! i'm probably gonna have the sweetest dreams in a long while tonight.