Lying on my bed and blogging using my communicator. Supposed to knock out half hour ago since i had quite a packed weekend. I'm physically tired but my mind simply refuse to stop thinking. Guess i'm too emo to sleep. Apparently, he's gonna be posted overseas 2 months earlier than expected. It's good exposure for him but selfish as i am, I'm so not looking forward to november. Wish time would come to a standstill. He's so gonna be missed my me. I can't imagine how life would be like. Yes, it still goes on, but i'm worried. It has come to a point which i dread most. We're nothing at all, nothing. Was on the line with dear dear and i told him i'm upset. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets attached, but i know it would set me crying. This has to end someday, doesn't it? I wish it to be a happily after fairytale but alas...

xiao mao is confused once again. *sigh* so much insecurities lately and i'm beginning to take the nonchalant approach. Most of the time, i'll juz push aside everthing, forget the unhappiness. It works till the next time emo monster creeps up on me. I remember someone told me before that i can't bear the emptiness of being alone and i've always debated that point. Now, i'm beginning to have doubts. Honestly, i do miss being attached. The need for having someone to whine to is increasing. Its juz so not gonna happen. I enjoy times spent alone. Shopping, swimming.. So long as i'm occupied i suppose. I hate it when i'm all alone doing nothing. Maybe that's why i finally got my dive licence, maybe that's how shirleen managed to convince me to go for yoga classes, maybe that's why i'm always filling up my time with one activity or another. I'm afraid of being alone. It scares me and my imagination would run wild. Grr..

I don't care if i'm his only girl, i juz want him and myself to be happy, to enjoy each others' company. I don't care how others see me or what they say about me, for this is my life. I live my life the way i want it.

it's been a long while. why am i blogging at this hour? *shrug* simply no mood for work today. going through the same routine everyday is juz unbearable. i wonder how long more i can hold out. being one of the last to know of the bad news does not help at all. got out of office before 10am. i did not want to face her. i know i can't. da jie and i have done all that we could to speak up for her, but nothing helps. the decision of the top management can't be overruled. *sigh* how unfair can the world get? the reason behind the termination is juz simply ridiculous. maybe i should thank my parents for giving me a pleasant face and a 'winning' smile (according to my hairstylist). grr... you will be missed.

on top of that i made an irreversible mistake last night that caused much embarrassment to someone. i'm guilty and yes, i feel really bad. i should not have let emotions get the better of me. but it's tough. honestly, i know this is heading nowhere but yet, i'm still holding on. many times i wanna walk away but i juz don't have enough determination. reality is always cruel, facing it is even worse i suppose. he will eventually find his someone and i'll juz be a good friend who will always be there. is that what i want and what i can take?

Your Cute Monster Says Your Inner Demon is Sensitivity

You are a giving, open, loving person. You truly want the world to be a better place. You appreciate what you have in life. You are very content. You are very sensitive, and your sensitivity can be a double edged sword. People think you're cute because you're generous. You are easy to love - it's part of your charm.

The Cute Monster Test

i've not shed a tear since the day we sent you off on your final journey five months ago. deep inside me, i'm missing you badly. besides mum and dad, you cared for me the most. weekends are never the same without you coming over to visit. februarys are never the same without you around to celebrate mum's, elena's and your birthdays. i've been refusing to touch on this topic, for i know it'll bring back too much memories. it's been five months of escaping from reality, refusing to face up to it. i wish i had held on to your hand longer that night, even juz a moment longer. i wish i had not said goodbye that night, if i knew it's gonna be your last to me. thanks for the advance wedding gift you prepared, i'll keep it in good condition till the day comes.

好想念你。。。

is there a need for relationships to be defined? my answer would be yes. sometimes, and juz this one time actually, my friends couldn't find a defination for my status. me and him have discussed this before, and the conclusion is, we're very good friends. gracie and hazel decided to term it as friends with benefits. *laughs* it really doesn't matter anymore. i enjoy his company and i'm used to the way things are now. i know things are never gonna be the way i want them to be but it's hard to let go now.

我是否应该学习长大？

朋友常说，我似乎从不怕失败。
就算知道会受到再大的伤害，也不会放弃。
有时候会觉得自己很傻，但始终不会改变。

我常说，如果不尝试，又怎会知道结果会是如何呢？
但是知道了结局又如何呢？

我恨自己的执著，因为总会带来许多的不快乐。
但是经过了漫长的岁月， 历经了多少喜怒哀乐，悲欢离合，我已经开始麻木了。

你相信命运吗？
总觉得自己被命运作弄。
我爱的人不爱我，但爱我的人却对我痴心一片。
希望有天我能说服自己接受被爱的幸福。
也许会有那么一天。

my new acquisition from louis vuitton - speedy 25. decided that its a better size than 30.

my louis vuitton collection

should i say its a bad or a good start to the new year? last night's mambo was juz crazy. guess i exceeded my limit and got drunk. it was sort of planned or should i use the word deliberate. really hate myself. why do i lose it so easily? million thanks to those who were there to take care of me and to watch over me. thanks to jay (though he's part of the reason why i was drunk *bleah*) and jerald for driving me and xiao bai back. sorry to have disrupted your night. my new year resolution is to stop drinking so much. though gracie has got no faith in me at all to do that. wish me luck.

Hong Kong Day 3 (25 Dec)

got up early as we were going shopping in a faraway place, Tung Chung. thanks to shirleen's sister for the information. took us about an hour to get to the Citygates Outlets by MTR. it was a great shopping experience. the mall has adidas, nike, new balance and various other factory outlets. we spent a good amount of time at armani exchange as it was having up to 60% sale! the offer items were really worth buying. most of the stuff were really pretty and it was juz so difficult to resist temptation. after around 2 hours of non-stop walking, we decided to take a short break at macdonalds. there wasn't much time left for us as we were on another tight schedule. headed back after browsing through 2 other shops.

stopped at hong kong station to visit City Super at the IFC Mall. both of us had to get chocolates for gift exchange at the christmas party for the night. courtesy of jess who had invited us to the party organised by the church. bought 2 boxes of royce and i was truly impressed by the staff who were doing the gift wrapping. they were juz amazing. took a brisk walk back to shirleen's apartment. got showered and changed in half an hour.

met up with jess nearby where we took a cab to CentreStage. i simply love the way the function room of the condo was done. it was simple and yet elegant. however, both shirleen and me were bored at the party, juz felt we shouldn't have agreed to go in the 1st place. decided to leave early and keep the chocolates for ourselves. *grins* arranged to meet joanne, edward, juliana and derrick for dinner. accompanied jess back to her place to get changed as she did not want to dirty her dress.

headed to causeway bay to meet up with the rest for steamboat dinner. food was ok but the company was great! it was my 1st meeting with derrick, a guy with a good sense of humour. but according to shirleen, they were not on very good terms before due to his personal life. anyway, it was a good christmas dinner, an out of ordinary christmas dinner in chinese style. though most of us were already pretty full after steamboat, we decided to get some dessert. derrick recommended this place at Jaffe Road, Lucky Dessert, which he thinks serves better stuff than 许留山 and hence we gotta try it. waited a good 20 minutes for our table. had my favourite mango with pomelo dessert and shared a mango crepe with the rest. the former was good and yes, better than all others i tried before, but could have given the latter a miss. we then parted our ways and headed home to rest for the next day's activities.

Hong Kong Day 2 (24 Dec)

it's the long awaited christmas eve. got out of bed pretty late, around 9ish. the weather in hong kong now is really conducive for sleeping in. *bleah* shirleen woke up early and headed to the supermarket to get the ingredients for her chicken stew for the house party we were attending for the night. tried to be of some help with her preparation (not much actually *laughs*) as we were looking at a packed schedule for the day. it was a little past 11 when she finished her last step of preparation.

changed and made our way to causeway bay by MTR. shirleen bought me the egg tart along the way. she has been going on about it since she stepped foot on the island. it was close to an adrenaline rush when i took the 1st bite. i've never tasted anything like that in singapore. the crust was baked to the right texture and the egg custard was as soft as tofu. simply yummy! it was a short ride from wan chai to causway bay. headed to ikea to do furniture shopping for shirleen's almost empty hall. our 1st mission was to get the right sofa. right design, measurement, colour, fabric and softness included. took her more than half an hour before making her final decision. it was a tough choice i would say. 2nd mission was to get a dining table. if you think sofa was not easy, dining table was much worse. when she finally made her choice, we found out to her dismay that the table she wanted wasn't available in the desired colour! so much for even picking the right chairs to go with the table. it irritated her so much that she decided to forsake the table for the time being. 3rd mission was to get miscellaneous stuff such as cutlery, laundry basket, dustbins for her apartment.

left ikea around 3 and we went on to find the 许留山 that is supposed to have 2 outlets in causeway bay. as shirleen tried to google it on her blackberry, i saw the familiar signboard right across the street. *happiness* had our then favourite mango dessert with different flavours.

made our way to pacific place for the next round of shopping. a crazy sale is on at mango but i've stopped liking their not-so-appealing apparels since some time back. zara has got pretty nice stuff that interests me but the store is not offering any discount. went in to a number of boutiques, kate spade, coach, louis vuitton.. can't seem to find anything that i had a need to buy there and then. decided to head down to the supermarket, great food hall, to complete the rest of the grocery shopping for the chicken stew and the mojito that i'm supposed to concoct. shirleen said it's her favourite supermarket and i will know why when i get in. the 1st thing that hit me was, the queue at the cashier was amazingly long. i guess many people were doing last minute christmas shopping like us. the place provides a huge variety of food which impresses me and the food looks good for supermarket standards. as expected, we digressed and spent a good time at the cheese section. bought 100g of blue cheese and another 100g of soft cheese (which i cannot remember the name). decided that we should get on to serious business. quickly grabbed the mint leaves, limes, soda water, plain flour and bread and made our way to queue for payment. to our surprise, the waiting time was pretty short as many people had only a few items i suppose. juz as we stepped out of pacific place, shirleen suddenly exclaimed "we forgot the brown sugar!". as both of us were too lazy, we decided to give up mojito for the night.

took us about 15 minutes to walk back to her area. settled ourselves at the 茶餐厅, king food restaurant, right below her apartment. we had the most unsatisfying meal which was a waste of our calories. the fries and egg salad sandwich was not worth the price that we paid. nevertheless, shirleen enjoyed her iced water cress drink which everyone has in hong kong.

it was already 6 when we went up to shirleen's place to check if they had delivered the correct mattress as the previous one was too small for the frame. to her delight, they changed it for her and she finally gets a proper and comfortable mattress to rest on. spent some time trying to get her mattress protector and bedsheets on as the dimensions are now a little too big for the frame. she went on to complete her chicken stew task while i lazed around. *bleah* by 730, we were ready to get out of the house but not so ready. she had to get a sushi party set for her friend, jess who was still working at that hour on christmas eve. how unfortunate. however, the sushi place below her place does not offer party sets and it's not economical to order ala carte. hence, we decided to order pizzas from across the street. waited a good 20 minutes before the pizzas were ready and we set off to the mid levels.

we reached seymour road slightly past 8 and were greeted by the hosts, edward and joanne, and the rest of the guests. as everyone was hungry by then, we did not wait for jess to arrive to start on the big feast. there were loads of food and wine, good food and wine. it was a great pot-luck dinner. ed offered each of us a chocolate which had a message in it and mine says "to love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart". i knew almost immediately what is the song i have to learn. *bleah* spent the rest of the night chatting and watching dvd with everyone. the show that we caught (which i couldn't remember the title) was silly and lame, had a good laugh though, and everyone else did. left the place around 2am. it was indeed a christmas eve to remember, my 1st christmas eve out of town.

Hong Kong Day 1 (23 Dec)

touched down at the international airport a little past 8 in the evening. temperature is at 16 degree. managed to clear the customs within 10 minutes and i'm still wondering why the guy looked at my passport in such great detail, checking every single line with the system. i could have gotten out earlier if not for the delay. took another 10 minutes to collect my luggage and got myself a single journey ticket on the airport express. there was no crowd at all probably due to the late flight. most people would choose to arrive earlier. a 20 minutes ride to hong kong station where i met up with shirleen. really glad to see her again. took a cab to her new apartment at ship street (wan chai). it's a 2 bedder which is more well furnished than i thought and i've got a room to myself. how nice. unpacked the stuff which i brought along for her, including christmas gifts from gracie, jack and myself of coz. we decided to take a walk and head out for drinks around 10ish. being a nice host, she introduced me around her estate, tho she's pretty new to the place as well and most of the places were closed by then. had a glass of wine at neuvo, where we updated each other on our lives before heading back to the apartment to rest for the night.

combined some pictures from zoukout and the rest can be found in facebook as usual. it was a full day and night of fun, laughter, NO peace and joy! *grins* can't remember my last zoukout, years ago but not 2005 of coz. *bleah*

met up with jasmine, nicole, steven and the boys at vivocity around 1pm to do "grocery" shopping. Definition of "grocery": mixers and tibits. *laughs* most of us were still drained by the previous night's dinner, mahjong and supper gathering. it was good fun at vivo mart. we spent most of time laughing at marcus's silly behaviour. i personally like his "ladles dance" best. honestly, we attracted loads of unwanted attention during our stay in the supermart. kinda embarassing. we managed to get out of the place a little past 3pm and headed in to sentosa island.

i was pretty pissed with the resort's staff stationed at the entrance of the carpark. shall not repeat my unhappy story again but yes, it was indeed worth being pissed. got our room key and settled ourselves and our stuff in the room at almost 5pm. had a little episode of plotting against the poor boy gerard before heading to the resort's pool. *sniggers* it was pure madness. marcus had to be the clown yet again. the "dolphin show" he put up sent all of us into non-stop laughing. it was good abdomen exercise tho. jasmine and kes recorded a series of videos of the pool action for rememberance sake.

night came and the party begins. we had a few rounds of drinks in the room for warm up before heading down to the zoukout venue itself - siloso beach. P.S. played a round tarot cards and i would say it's pretty accurate for me. please do not ask what was the question i was thinking of coz it's for me to know and for no one to find out. while the rest stayed at the mambo arena, we (the girls) decided to recee the place to get fake tattoos done. i've got this insane craze to get myself a tattoo but i know i'll never hear the end from my mum. *bleah* each of us ended up with a butterfly tattoo done. so pretty (i mean both the butterfly and the person). *laughs* headed back to the mambo arena to join the rest and started cam-whoring before the music starts.

it was pretty slow at the beginning but was still good to me. probably due to the fact that i've got great company! was pretty oblivious to the surroundings so please do not ask if there're any cute guys or pretty babes. much as i would want to deny, my only concern was for someone's absence. as the night wore on, the music got better and the party juz got crazier. met a few groups of friends and had a couple of drinks. was at B1 when my favourite song played and i literally ran all the way back to the centre platform where all my friends were. *sniggers* that was also when i finally saw the person i've been missing all night. he gave me a hug which probably meant nothing to him but took me by surprise. i have to admit that it made my night better for the moment. the rest of the mambo till 2am was all about dancing.

by then, i was soaked with my own perspiration, nicole was suffering from terrible backache and jasmine was tired too. went back to the room to catch a breather and for more drinks. while the 2 girls rested, bryan, sarah, steven and i decided to head back at around 3am for sasha! it was good but a little too crowded for my liking and when bryan suggested that we check out the hip hop arena, i had no issues at all. found a comfortable spot for ourselves and music was surprisingly good. it turned out to be much better when andrew chow took over. fantastic would be the best word to describe. unfortunately, jasmine sos-ed bryan around 4-ish as the boys were apparently getting out of hand in the room. the drunk boys have proven to be too much for the rest to handle. when we finally settled the boys in bed and walked sarah to catch a cab back onto the main island, it was already 5-ish.

tho i was pretty tired out, i could not resist the temptation of the awesome music and headed back to the party with bryan, kes and steven. may i repeat that andrew chow was really good, top 40s remix, hip hop, R&B.. we partied till almost daybreak at 7am when i knew my legs couldn't take it anymore. bryan was the only survivor who stayed on to join his other friends while the rest of us went back to the room. i was surprised to find the two boys, gerard and marcus awake and they went down to the party. chock had apparently drowned himself in his own puke (again).

tiredness finally set in on me on the way back home. thanks to steven who followed behind me juz to make sure i got home safely. i admit i was dozing off on the wheels and was driving dangerously. nevertheless, it was a great zoukout afterall.

it's been a crazy and tiring but fun weekend!

a quick update on godson matt. he's weighing 3.88kg as of wednesday's check up. drinking lots of milk and very frequently. he finishes his milk fast and takes about 2 hours to burp each time he has his milk. he's such a sweetie with his long eye lashes. visited gracie and him on thursday as i knew i wouldn't have time to do so over the weekend. seems like he's spending more hours awake now and gracie is starting to get the hang of being a mum tho she's really tired and busy from taking care of the baby. please do take good care of yourself too ger.

in preparation for the eventful weekend, i decided to knock off on the dot for once on friday. finished my last vist at 6pm and headed down to east coast to meet up with the rest for jasmine's birthday celebration. silly ger has been so excited over the chalet for the past 2 months that she's been going on and on about it (i'm sure nicole would agree with me). *bleah* realised that bryan aka yue-er can really cook and do housework. he's really the man. *laughs* i'm truly impressed. from starting fire to barbercuing food to making tau-suan and cleaning up the place, he can manage everything on his own. may i add that the tau-suan he makes is not the best but still good. we all know who to include in our bbq invite list the next time we have one. *grins* that aside, we had loads of fun eating (especially for those who tried the "spiked" tau-suan), playing mahjong and cards, chatting, making and drinking our own concoctions, and of coz, smearing cake on jasmine. opps! i'm sorry ger that you kinda injured your foot while chasing after us and that we dirtied you. but it was all in the name of fun! we still love you lots! played mahjong through the night and i was really exhausted at the end of it all. wonder how i managed to drop claudio off at his place and get home at 6am in the morning.

saturday was yet another packed day for me with 3 weddings to attend. everything seems to have been pre-planned as none of them clashed with each other - church wedding in the morning, lunch reception at noon and finally dinner in the evening. picked up susan at 9am to head down for keng kiang's matrimonial ceremony at renewal centre. there was a handful of ex-hall 13 people at the wedding who weren't the usual group that i used to hang out with, but seeing them again brought back happy memories of the past. everyone seems the same and yet different at the same time. left the place around 1pm and dropped susan off at gerard's place before meeting my parents at orchard hotel. it was the wedding of one of their friend's daughter whom i happen to know and hence was invited. realised the most frequently asked question (FAQ) is when will it be my turn? kinda sick of answering such questions. yes, i know i'm turing 30 really soon and its time. i'm juz waiting for the right one (if there is one in the 1st place) to appear. or maybe it's juz me, not ready to settle down at all. *bleah* reached back home at 5pm, took a quick shower and started preparing for the night - my nephew's wedding dinner at expo's bliss garden ballroom. all of my extended family was present including my cousin who's working in bombay, my other nephew who's based in london and my niece who's doing her degree in australia. great to be catching up with all of them. most of the night was spent entertaining my little niece who juz can't stop talking. *laughs* i still love her for what she is coz she's my favourite niece. as expected, i'm being thrown with the same question, in a different way tho. was playing with this cute little 5 months old baby boy when the aunties, including cousin jennifer, juz started to go on about how i should get married and have kids so that my parents can take care of them for me. i happily answered that "babies are only cute when they're not mine!". had a few rounds (at least 5) of red wine and stopped after my mum's not so gentle reminder that i'm driving. sent my parents home at 11 and met up with jay and jerald for 2nd round of drinks at clarke quay. fun people to hang out with as they would throw you with the most nonsensical stuff which would make you laugh. we discovered this new retro bar which could be a nice hangout for saturdays. the place is pretty empty probably due to the fact that it's new? or izzit juz that not many people appreciate retro music as much as we do? *sniggers*

note: if you're wondering, i juz couldn't resist the temptation to stop going out with him and yes, i'm lousy. it's juz so me to do this i guess. spent the night out with him till morning. i enjoy his company and i've really fallen for him this time. it's a bad sign.

back to my weekend. while on the way back to jay's place on sunday morning, xiao bai ran out of petrol and stopped moving! poor xiao bai and us were stranded along the exit to loyang ave on tpe. called simon, my workshop guy but he's overseas and i had no choice but to trouble best friend. lucky thing he stays at pasir ris, but i still feel bad for making him come down to rescue me. jay offered to walk to the nearest station to buy the petrol but i feel bad to make him do it. best friend arrived with a tin of petrol after around half an hour which in the meantime, jay was keeping himself entertained by disturbing me with silly ideas of what i can do when i'm stranded. the guys suggested that i should keep the tin as a souvenior. *pouts* i promise to pump petrol once the indicator starts blinking and i'll never let that happen to xiao bai and me ever again. nevertheless, thank you best friend for making the trip down and for rescuing me. many thanks and apologies to jay who was made to go through the "ordeal" with me.

due to the unforeseen circumstance, it was a mad rush for me. reached back home past 11am and had to shower and get dressed up within half an hour to attend joyce's wedding lunch. arrived at grand shanghai a little past noon and was glad that i'm not the latest. *grins* da jie's gown is really beautiful and special. guess it's probably the prettiest i've seen so far. it might have been the person wearing it, to be able to carry it off so well. glad to see and to be able to catch up with janice da jie, ying ying and rachel at the lunch. it was good time spent at the table coz of francis's, eric's and keegan's presence. *laughs*

it's been a long update for the weekend and i believe next week's update will be as interesting (i hope). i'll be attending zoukout for a change. was and never am a zoukout person as i dun happen to like beach parties. getting messy, sandy, wet and all. going this year coz of steven and he better appreciate it. *sniggers* he's gonna pay back by drinking with me.

a song by stefanie that i thought would best describe how i feel right now. sorry for the decision. i juz do not wish to go through the whole process again and of coz i do not wish to lose you. its my fault. you've stated everything clearly right from the start and i juz did not control my emotions well enough. i guess putting a stop to this would be the best solution as of now. give me some time (i have no idea how much i need), but i promise i'll be fine and we'll be talking by then. trust me, the long conversation on sunday and the efforts that you have put in for this friendship over the past 8 months have not gone to waste and it will not. i treasure this friendship as much as you do if not more. that's the reason why i do need to take a step back and get myself sorted out. guess i've been deluding myself all these while and i've got everything mixed up. it's gonna be difficult but i'll try to separate one thing from another.

<星期一天气晴我离开你>

离开爱情我没有行李
找不到表情可是不恨你
离去因为我不爱推理的游戏
不想绕路只为了避开你
我有一点伤心

伤心让人不想爱自己
那么也只好暂时不爱你
拉开距离等着有一天忽然想起你
离开的原因再也想不起
再翻出旧的日记从新写起

星期一天气晴我离开你
突然就下了决心
我在日历上面画下星星
星期一天气晴我离开你
不带任何行李
除了一本陪我放逐的日记

今天天晴心情很低
突然决定离开你

can't let go of the past? maybe. was reading through past entries of someone's blog. *laughs* i've got loads of things to complete at work but i juz can't be bothered. it's a thursday! whoever works on a thursday?! *grins* back to the blog that i was reading. realised at some point of time, i seemed to be the most frequently mentioned person. yes, it doesn't mean anything but i juz can't believe how 2 supposedly good friends can end up not talking at all, especially at this age. i do treasure the friendship and in fact, i was pretty upset at how things turned out. i guess there can never be 100% platonic friendship between a guy and a ger. honestly, there must be some level of interests or attractions somehow. at this point, i juz feel i've lost a good friend.

juz can't believe how i time and again land myself in such situations. i always doubt his words but yet it seems convincing at times. there's definitely the trust issue between us which i believe can never be resolved. he says its juz him and i say i juz dun mean enough to him. i wanted to stop talking to him and stop seeing him at all in order to get out of this shit. yes, it is a childish decision and it's almost impossible to do so. i do treasure him and our friendship much more after the "fateful" incident. he means more to me than i thought. i definitely do not wish for history to repeat. at least, i want us to be able to sit down for coffee 5 or 10 years down the road just like any other friends. i wish...

i've got so much to blog but no time for it. life has pretty much got back onto the right track (if there's even a right one in the 1st place). i'm still confused as usual but it's getting more complicated, more things to be confused about. been bogged down by work for the past month. knocking off much later than usual. *sigh* i suppose if i've got a better and valid reason for me to slog so hard, i would feel more balanced. wonder if its the stress at work that's causing me to be more cranky than usual. many apologies to those who hafta put up with my nonsense, especially the one who called me sweetheart. *bleah* really think i'm juz being stubborn and hard on myself. always wanting things that i can never have or can never be mine. it's always been the case. wish i can be less demanding and it could have been much better. i juz wish things would not turn out to be like before. dun understand why some people juz do not grow up. it's been so many years, time to let go of the past? guess it's easy for me to say and if i were in her shoes, i would probably react in the same way. so gonna miss shirleen dear. she'll be heading to hong kong for work tomorrow morning. no more wine bar on wednesdays, no more chilling out at dempsey, no more crazy clubbing, no more bitching sessions. oh no.. i'm getting emo emo already. the good thing is, i'll be in hong kong with her in one month's time! spending white white christmas together in hong kong. will definitely be fun. sorry gracie for not being able to spend more time with you during your confinement. but i promise to be back with cutie stuff for godson matt and to make it up when i'm back. can't wait for december to arrive...

it has never been this lousy ever. burying myself with work and social activities juz doesn't help. life still goes on as normal as though nothing has happened. i'm juz escaping from reality, refusing to accept the fact. i wanna run away and not face up to the truth coz the truth always hurt. i always wonder if there would be a day when i'll never fall in love again. janice said, the most important thing is to be happy. i agree. i know i'm not the one who can truly give him what he wants and i juz gotta learn to let go. it hurts terribly but it doesn't matter anymore. coz the words "I dun love u anymore. We are over." pierced right through the heart and i'll never forget these words. it's over, at least for him it is.

finally decided not to be lazy and do some not so updated updates. *grins* i'm juz so pampered by my dear. although he thinks it's a waste of money, my birthday pressie from him is the bastille from louis vuitton. loves dear to bits. the other new addition to my collection is the 4 key holder, with compliments from my colleagues. so going crazy over louis vuitton. my next plan is to get the pochette accessories. i'll probably need my dear's permission before i spend recklessly again.

got these 4 dresses during a shopping spree in june or july together with another 3 pairs of heels from charles and keith. my memory's failing me, signs of aging i suppose. i'm really into dresses recently. i guess it's more of a convenience as i do not have to decide which top to match with which bottom every morning, signs of laziness. *laughs* juz to add on to my collection, i've ordered another 4 dresses from victoria's secret. all thanks to susan who's in US right now. can't wait for her to be back with my loot. one other thing, dear has already given the green light for me to get a coach bag and he'll be subsidising 50%. told you i'm juz so pampered by dear, didn't i? can't really decide what i should get. i'm not a fan of coach but 25% discount from the boutique is juz so tempting. i've already shortlisted 4 items and will have to decide by sunday.

it's been a really long 2 months. can't believe but am glad that dear and me are still going strong. not gonna be easy but i'll keep trying. i hafta admit that i'm afraid that dear would eventually get sick of me or lose all his love for me one day. i'll do whatever i can to prevent this from happening. i'm juz so missing dear. he's gone away for a short trip with his family. wonder if he's thinking of his princess. wish monday would come sooner so that i can "re-unite" with dear.

spent my national day morning at east coast park with hazel and shirleen. we cycled for more than an hour. aren't you proud of us? though we lunched at carls junior, i suppose there's no harm done. *sniggers* haven't seen shirleen for the longest time ever. so glad that she's moving on in her career and that she's engaged! congrats my dear ger and all the best. no worries. we'll definitely visit you in hong kong as often as we can. hazel and me then headed to the baby fair at taka. we picked up items as though they are free. *grins* we eventually got a play pen, ferarri baby seat, infant rocker and a bag full of baby clothes. all for our godson matthias marcel. also, we redeemed a few free gifts and guess what? the both of us juz couldn't resist the pooh and friends towel set and kept both sets for ourselves. *oops* gracie's son is so gonna be loved. our final agenda of the day is the movie, the dark knight. really glad that i caught the show as it is really good.

sometimes, i really think i need to hear myself. putting my thoughts down in the blog is a good way. looking back at past entries would make me laugh at myself for being so silly. thousand and one things happened within a span of two weeks. fast isn't it? everything seems right but wrong at the same time. i've tried and still trying very hard to keep things going, to make sure things fall into place, but things juz doesn't seem to go on the right track. maybe its true that good things like this are juz not meant to befall on me. is he juz a beautiful dream? maybe it is. i hate myself, i really do. i guess it's retribution? i meant every word i said and put my heart and soul into this relationship. i've hurt many people but i've my fair share of pain as well. it hurts, badly.

a pretty outdated post on the new additions to my louis vuitton collection. *grins* spent almost 2k at the boutique that fateful day. gracie and me had juz wanted to browse but ended up with 2 bags of "loot". conclusion of the day is that we should never go window shopping together though i'm really proud of myself. *laughs* i've been contemplating to get the speedy as well but i decided to be good. god knows when and why i have this expensive craze but i can't really be bothered. juz wanna pamper myself. *beams* need to practise self-control as i've been over spending.

life has been interesting but routined. less of mahjong but more clubbing and chilling out with friends. love the kind of lifestyle i'm leading now. tiring but fun. the question is how long more can i afford to have such fun? honestly, IF given a choice, i wouldn't mind staying single. i may regret making this statement when i'm 40 and needing a companion but at this very moment, i feel i'm much better off alone than attached. regular clubbing at zouk has brought back much memories. the presence of someone has reminded me of the absence of another. sometimes i do wonder why and how did things come to this stage? why dun people believe in platonic friendships? *sigh* i do miss him (as a friend of coz) and the rest of the mambo chummies like sebastian, daniel... when are you guys gonna meet up? so missing you! *sulks* great... i'm super emo today and i wonder why. got carried over from last night i guess. the someone is having a greater impact on me day by day. i was pretty taken aback by myself. guess it is the resemblance that's keeping the strong interest. i think i'm slowly losing my head over him.