it's exactly a year since you left. you're still deeply missed.

<我恨我爱你>

面带微笑离开你怀里
我听天由命
最后一张王牌在手里
二选一的机率
不能放纵爱你
就放过自己

爱情已经过了甜蜜期
多说也是无益
爱不爱我已经没关系
一点小伤而以
你可以很放心
我不会为了留你
假装可怜兮兮

都怪我太不争气
我恨我爱你
oh... 我爱你
只是因为你是你
oh... 我恨你
你有我看也看不清的小聪明
你有我说也说不完的坏脾气
你有我数也数不尽你的...

新恋情

birthday pressie for my beloved =)

25 September 2009

it was an excuse for me to take a day off from boring work. the pressie was completed juz before noon and i headed to plaza singapura to run some errands before picking him up from his office. drove down to shaw centre for the massage session that i had booked at the ultimate. the reception area was nicely done up and the service was good. however, i must add that the rooms and the skills of the masseurs are not as fantastic. as he needed to settle urgent matters back in office, i went home to take a short rest before meeting him again at clarke quay for dinner. as expected, he arrived an hour late and i'm surprised by myself that i wasn't the least bit irritated. i really like the place not only for the ambience but also the food. it must have been the best steak i've ever had. the beef was juicy and done to my liking. the steakhouse by esmirada is highly recommended.

Obsessive-compulsive Disorder

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce anxiety, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing anxiety, or by combinations of such thoughts and behaviors. The symptoms of this anxiety disorder range from repetitive hand-washing and extensive hoarding to preoccupation with sexual, religious, or aggressive impulses. These symptoms can be alienating and time-consuming, and often cause severe emotional and economic loss. Although the acts of those who have OCD may appear paranoid and come across to others as psychotic, OCD sufferers often recognize their thoughts and subsequent actions as irrational, and they may become further distressed by this realization.

OCD is the fourth most common mental disorder and is diagnosed nearly as often as asthma and diabetes mellitus. The phrase "obsessive-compulsive" has become part of the English lexicon, and is often used in an informal or caricatured manner to describe someone who is meticulous, perfectionistic, absorbed in a cause, or otherwise fixated on something or someone. Although these signs are often present in OCD, a person who exhibits them does not necessarily have OCD, and may instead have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), an autism spectrum disorder or some other condition.

judging from the above description and image, i seriously do not think i have OCD. Neat freak is a more suitable term. *bleah* honestly, this is pretty messy by my standards. i've recently refurbished my room and got a three-door wardrobe, still a little far from my dream walk-in but i'm happy. *smiles*

ice skating escapade in April 2009

this girl plays a prominent role in my life. she's always so full of surprises and ideas that i can never keep up with. glad that she's enjoying her trip with her muffin.


my dear dear who's always there for me. i always believe that things never worked out between us coz i know him too well for his own good. *bleah*

are insecurities and low-confidence co-related? they probably are. i hate to admit this but i'm so tempted to pick up the phone to drop him a text. no reason to do so, but need there be a reason to do so? *sigh* emo monster is creeping up on me once again. missing him...

definition of a girl's boy

honestly, there is no fixed definition of a girl's boy. i suppose it varies from girl to girl what each of them want and what would satisfy them. besides, most girls are fickle minded and hence their demands probably change from time to time. i'm beginning to sound like the other species here. but hey, at times, i do feel that there's certain truth to the former (juz like how i would agree that majority of the female drivers are road hazards, including myself *bleah*).

over the past week, there was not juz once, but a few times when people around me comment that i would make a very nice guy or statements along the same line. it makes me wonder if i really do have the characteristics of a good boyfriend. seriously, being a lesbian once, it did occur to me if i could really sway to the other side. i love doing things for the one i like, doing things which others deem to be out of the way or sweet. to me, it's juz my way of showing care and concern. *shrug* i guess i'll never want to be the boyfriend as there're times when i need to be pampered, need to be showered with TLC (tender loving care). i'm better off being the girlfriend who's like the boyfriend. =)

The Team of Three - 大姐, me and Best Friend

those were the happy days. things are juz not gonna be the same, never will be. changes for the past 3 months have exceeded the changes for the past 3 years and this is not the end (note that the numbers are not exaggerated). however, the situation may not be as bad as it seems, especially for those who left. i'm so missing having 大姐around to give me advice and to 挡风遮雨. i'm so gonna miss best friend who's always so supportive of me and always there to lend me a listening ear to bitch. reporting to office will become a real dread after next week. *sigh*

shouldn't i be sleeping?

can't hold back my temper any longer. prejudiced or not? i don't care. i simply don't like the way how one can back up for another for no good or apparent reason. evil and selfish? yes, that's me! i'm sure i can do much better than her but you juz want to help her keep her job. you said she cannot commit 100% because of her other job scope. since she can't cope, i offered to take over. it would ease communication, reduce lag time and minimize loss in information. why should i bother myself with this in the 1st place? i'm not getting a pay rise nor promotion for doing additional work. i juz simply don't understand what is so difficult about clicking the 'forward' button of outlook. it's not as simple as it seems and i agree! but that's what she has been doing! i know i was at fault for raising my voice at you and i'm sorry for being rude. please do reflect if you had been over-protective of her as well. if i'm the only one feeling this way, it might be my problem. but if 10 others feel the same way, i believe the process needs to be reviewed. it's time for me to move on. counting down...

steamboat at bugis with serena, joshua, agnes, john and dear princess nina. seems to be our favourite meeting place for dinner. *grins* really miss the times working together. i wonder why working with them is so much happier and easier? i guess there're no conflict of interest and that's why. i suppose we had build up a strong bond over the years that is hard to break.

atmosphere at home is still a little tense. mum seems to have gotten better but i've yet to figure out the truth behind her weird behaviour. i'm on the verge of giving up and i'm escaping from it. staying out later than usual everyday so that i do not have to face her without dad and minimise contact is my strategy. her long note had a huge impact on me. i know i have to stay strong but i don't know how much longer i can hold out.

there're juz too much things on my mind which i wanna throw out. i only want to fill my mind with happy memories. i realise i'm becoming more dependant on him and that's not a good sign. i'm missing him more and more. couldn't believe i would do this much for him. i do not expect anything in return. think i'm falling, falling deep...

iPhone Craze

i know i'm slow but i received my 3GS yesterday! it's been a long wait. can't decide what to do with it now that i've laid my hands on one. excited as i can be, i've yet to take it out of the package. i'm not in need of a phone considering the numerous handsets i carry with me. it's the IN thing which everyone has, so i must own it as well (even if it's just for a day *laughs*). must have been an overdose of reading bimbotic blogs that caused this silliness. much as i wanna keep it, it's hard to resist the temptations of making a profit of more than 100%. i'm loving my iPhone 3GS!

Shirleen

took leave yesterday for shirleen's 'farewell'. she's flying off early next friday morning with kee for their 4 months backpacking trip. i'm so gonna miss her. went cycling at east coast park in the late morning. it was a great 2 hours ride though we got caught in drizzle twice. headed down to de coder's cafe at balmoral plaza for another 3 hours of board games session. we were introduced to 2 new games and i was the all-time loser! grr.. it was all in the name of fun! as expected, hazel and grace couldn't join us for dinner last minute and hence we went ahead with our wine and cheese plan after our light dinner packed from gardens market. chilled out at shirleen's till late with jay and jerald joining us past midnight.

他回来了，但我却还是那么苦恼。心情总有些忐忑不安，似乎就快面临崩溃。夜深人静时，总是不经意地想起他。这一切即将结束。或许那时不应该放纵，让自己深深地爱上他，又一次一次地舍不得放手。我真的很想他。

想用一杯latte把你灌醉
好让你能多爱我一点
暗恋的滋味
你不懂这种感觉
早有人陪的你永远不会

看见你和他在我面前
证明我的爱只是愚昧
你不懂我的那些憔悴
是你永远不曾过的体会

为你付出那种伤心你永远不了解
我又何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退我的防备
静静关上门来默数我的泪

明知道让你离开他的世界不可能会
我还傻傻等到奇迹出现的那一天
直到那一天你会发现
真正爱你的人独自守着伤悲

曾经我以为我自己会后悔
不想爱的太多痴心绝对
为你落第一滴泪
为你做任何改变
也唤不回你对我的坚决

It was my mistake to have not made it clear. Like i said, i was amused by your inability to read between lines. My foul mood was triggered by things far more important than this. Do not overestimate yourself. It does not matter what you think of me as your opinion is worthless to me. I'm confident of myself and of what i am and how i look. Oh.. By the way, i don't need to forgo louis vuitton even if i have to go for plastic surgery. You probably can't afford and that's why you need to give up the bags. I admit i did like ziwei at some point or should i put it as blindly in love? In any case, i'm more upset about losing a friend than not gaining his interest in me.

BITCH! Yes, you! Can you visualise my index finger pointing at you? Oh, or do i need to enlighten you on which finger is called the index? The post you blogged yesterday brightened up my morning. Was pretty amused by your ignorance in missing out the sarcasm between my lines. By the way, please do quote my full sentence in future as it's rude to misquote others. For your information, the last point of THE sentence is the most important. Did not want to kick up a big fuss on this. Blame it on the lack of your lucky stars that i'm in the foulest mood ever. Honestly, i know you can't get over the fact that your hubby was once in a way or another related to me. In addition, you can't change the fact that he's your hubby and my options for the better or best are still open. Tsk tsk.. Stop being a prick and a sour grape, it's not gonna get you anywhere. Get up and move on! The only reason why i'm at times upset at your hubby is coz i don't understand how he could have become 5 years younger and stopped talking to me altogether like how a kid always says 'don't friend you anymore'. Ridiculous! In any case, you should be honoured that i've dedicated one whole paragraph for you. This is probably too overwhelming for your pathetic ego.

to be continued...

the past week's been full of guessing and gossiping, guessing what the rest of the world have up their sleeves and gossiping about the changes. It's not gonna be easy to adapt, especially for those who've been around since the beginning. Too much speculations and competition. People are starting to behave weirdly, beyond normality. I suppose it's time to build up defence. Things and words are what you perceived of them. It will be good to take things positively.

Sometimes, i juz wonder what wrong i did, to make her hate me. It doesn't bother me that much, but it juz pisses me off when she comes round stepping on my toes. If being taller, prettier and higher paid, owning more louis vuitton or getting to work early on thursdays even though i club on wednesday nights irks her, i'm really speechless.

He's been away since wednesday. I'm juz so missing him, miss spending time with him, miss his hugs and miss him being around.

he's gonna be back later this evening. not sure when exactly he'll be touching down, but i'm happy. kept my whole week occupied in order for me to not miss him. did not work out that well though. bet this will be much more difficult when november comes. *sigh* if only he missed me the same.

This post should have been up one month ago. I've always been a fan of Louis Vuitton but this is what i received from dear dear for my birthday. Despite the bag's not of my favourite brand, i'm liking it. I'm surprised by the improvement in judgement for such accessories. *grins*

dear dear: has my dear dear used the bag i bought for her?
me: i used the bag for a week then decided i cannot use it too often. Gets dirty very easily.
dear dear: haha... I'm sure it can be washed. Anyway, it probably just need to last you for a year. Buy you a new one next year if bonus is good k? :)

He's been away for less than 24 hours and i'm missing him already. How am i to last till sunday or even monday? Counting down...

11 July 2009 @ Sun Yanzi's Concert - THE ANSWER IS.....

been 2 years since she held a concert in singapore. i'm glad to have her back on stage at the indoor stadium. it was a great sing-along session with yanzi for me. *grins* i was truly amazed by the stage structure, especially the 'hidden' band during the 1st half of the concert. she showcased a couple of new songs and there was a good mixture from her various albums. overall, it was a great experience!

the 'transformed' stage with 'hidden' band revealed

my personal favourite of the night: yanzi with long pony tail

pleasant surprise from him. we went shopping 3-4 weeks back and saw this dress from topshop that i really like. did not get the dress then as i felt it was a little too pricey for the material. anyway, he got it for me as my birthday pressie. late, but it's the thought that counts. =) i'm liking the dress more probably due to the fact that he gave it to me.

Very heavy lunch, for my mind...

The number '7'.

'7' has always been my favourite number. During primary school days, i've always looked upon senior diana as my role model when it comes to basketball. '7' was her jersey number and since then, i told myself i wanna put on the number '7' jersey too. toni kukoc from chicago bulls was part of the reason for my love for '7'. honestly, it wasn't only his fantastic three point shots that amazed me, he's cute to the max as well. *grins* coincidentally, i was posted to class 1/7 in cedar. the story continues from cedar to AJ and to NTU. The '7' jersey was reserved for me. *beams* i wonder if the affiliation made '7' my lucky number. claimed ownership of my class 3 licence on the 7th July in 2003. '7' holds a special meaning to dear dear and me. we got together on the 7th December in 2002 and since then, he ALMOST never fails to text me on the 7th of each month. Though things did not end up the way i wanted it to be, i'm glad we're still on good terms now, probably better than before.

caught transformers movie with him yesterday. i'm enjoying every single moment i have with him. Even if it's juz for a short while, it's all worth it, for i'm not sure how long more this can last.

i need a break, a real break. Break from work, break from the routined lifestyle and most important of all, break from my confusions. Passing each day wasting my time on facebook is making me sick. I need to do more than facebook-ing. Yoga is my new found interest but my body can hardly keep up with the twice a week routine. I've fallen in love with yoga as it frees my mind and relaxes my body. Work cycle is back to square one making me lose interest in all that i've been doing. With the current market, i doubt i can find something that can match up to my current pay. I'll be good and stay on till bad times are over.

Weekends are spent on trainings for upcoming performance at esplanade. Yeah! Miss the days back in ntu when i'm more involved with the stage. This time round is a little different from the usual. We're gonna be showcasing mambo. Interested parties can drop by esplanade on the 28th october. You'll be in for a great surprise. The MJ kakis put up our debut performance at mambo jambo 17th anniversary and we've done well given the short time frame we had for practice.

My 'nightmare' will soon begin. Honestly, i wanna prove him wrong. I wanna prove that things doesn't change due to physical distance. It's gonna be hard coz it takes two hands to clap. I know its inevitable that i'll be hurt in the end. But love is blind, and i'm blinded voluntarily.